http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/donnyfox-2
Expect a few more drafts from me, as usual I'm looking for feedback. I'm also looking to slow my pacing down for this. What else could I improve? I was looking to write a slice of life work, which is why pretty much nothing interesting happens.
Overall, it's interesting slice-of-life content, and this draft pretty much does what you wanted it to accomplish. I typically don't read this genre very often, so I may not be the best for advice on what needs improvement or not. I will say that I hoped to see more parallels between Cassie's disappointment over the report matching Mark's disappointment at being unable to overcome his self-doubt to talk to Kate - the beginning and ending would have a stronger connection besides just the manila file.
I may be mistaken, but I thought that the Authority has a policy against employees dating each other, which would mean that nobody should really be encouraging Mark to try and start a romantic relationship here. I get there's a nonchalant element to the character interactions in the draft, but perhaps bring this up to the Lore Server and see what other people say about how you could deal with that.
If this is the start of a series, I guess as a reader I would be interested in seeing events that lead up to his psychiatric interview that's featured in the personnel file. At some point, his actions are going to have consequences, and I think exploring that on a deeper emotional level will make this character have a pretty cool narrative progression. Mark's transformation from a social outcast to a fulfilled member of the team I think would be a great ending. Good luck!
everything would normal
Huh?
looked at the city in front of him
I would clarify its a window he's looking out of here.
him, was
Comma not needed here
Kids going to school, people going to work, and regular people
Change commas to semicolons
- Lucky
Use an EM dash: ―
people, in
Delete comma
A young red headed reporter
"A young, red headed reporter
started
started or stated?
window,
End with a period.
She
Lowercase
an ashtray and a cup of stale coffee in front of him from the night before
This doesn't seem connected with the previous part of the sentence, so I would just make this into a new one.
opens the folder and looks into it and skips through
Too many uses of 'and'. "opens the folder, looks into it, and skips through"
He
Lowercase
says,
End with period.
Look, Jackie
That was funny
more than likely going to get
Forgot 'is' after 'likely'
Cassie starts
starts? I notice you are using this verb a lot, I think it should be used more sparingly. Not every time someone is interrupted do you need to put this.
Mind if I take a look?
Why did he give it back to her before if he now wants to look through it again?
in her
You could also say "under her"
she goes to leave the room,
"she is leaving the room,"
Cass
Now he remembers her name?
“Hello? Rocky’s Pizza Castle?
I was not expecting that lol
some sanitized about some
I don't understand this phrasing
fill out those notes
Well he's not filling out the notes directly, but filling out the information from the notes. I would rephrase this sentence to be more clear.
brings out black
Brings out back?
Mark the only kind of anomaly Mark was, was a social one.
What?
Randall Briar wore
Add comma before 'wore'
give a nod, gently press a button
Is that all he does in this sentence? I would say "gently pressed a button" or something to end it.
reading
that read
Locked up weapons in cases sat inside.
I think you could attach this clause to the previous sentence.
Randall walked over to Mark. Mark lets out a content sigh.
"Randall walked over to Mark, who lets out a content sigh."
places it and its spare magazine
Places them where?
reply,
Period instead of comma.
make his way out to the site.
Isn't he in the site already?
plate carrier
What is this?
“Good,”
"Good."
as is.
as-is.
He
lowercase
west
West
“Watch it gook,”
I would make this into an exclamation point.
your three and closing
Is the woman approaching from three 'o clock or am I overthinking this?
He
lowercase
his usual,
Change to a colon
You fucking idiot.
She hates your fucking guts.
CSS is broken here. You have to put those double lines after every line.
She would say behind gritted teeth.
Diaz lets out a content sigh
Randall walked over to Mark who lets out a content sigh.
The guard, Randall Briar wears a Rhodesian patch on his arm. He would give a nod and then gently presses a button.
places it and its spare magazine inside of a lockbox, then closes it.
places it and its spare magazine inside of a lockbox, then closes it.
Mark took out a crisp 20 dollar bill out of his wallet as he did, grinning while he did so.
“Good work, Mark, we’ll pass this along and see where it goes,” He says, as Mark takes a seat in the back again.*
Diaz lets out, genuine concern coming from his tone rather than his usual brand of dry sarcasm.
You deserve it, Cass.
“Welcome Mr. Diaz,” Greeted the entrance AI,*
The locked door next to his booth would open to a room that read “Firearm Lockers”.
Mark would open the door and go into the room
Mark’s boss, Jack Kelly, stood there next to him.
I would most definitely advise amnestics for her.
The meeting ended, the same way it ended 20-something times as it did before. With some cheesy quote and something that ended with a phrase to the effect of, “We fight in the dark so others can live in the light” or something to remind the group “what we’re fighting for”.
True to it’s title, this is incredibly mundane.
First and foremost, it does not feel like a story and more like a long introduction to one. There is no established goal for the character (Unless the goal is for him to get a gf?), there is no twist that kicks off the plot and there is no conclusion to the story. It is simply a day in the life of an Authority employee, which lacks any interesting elements to it.
Mark as a character himself is really plain and without a personality. There are attempts at characterizing him at times, but nothing that gives the reader to work with: He acts as a cunt some times, but then he’s nice, and then back to being an asshole. His interactions with others are weird as well, half of them just insulting or getting insulted by his coworker. This usually implies a closeness with someone, but is not that interesting when used more than once or if it contrasts with the character’s feeling that he is not close to anyone.
The story also lacks any kind of interesting description of the surroundings. Nothing about the interior of Mark’s office that might reflect how he feels and what kind of guy he actually is, no description of the interior of the site somehow irritating or making him uncomfortable to show his feeling of not fitting inside of the organization, no nothing. He just goes from point A to point B with an interaction at every point that doesn’t really have any impact to the story: Something that ties in to the introductory feel of this text, that all the characters he encounters are supposed to serve some role in the future, but instead just feel like they are there for the sake of adding flavor.
You either need to rewrite this to have a format of a story with an introduction, twist and resolution or write the rest of the story with those parts being present, all the while addressing the problems of characters, description, dialogue and the like.
All in all, it needs a lot more work to make it an interesting read.
