RPC-517 -- Kenos
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/bobbydunbar
My attempt at doing a medium, simple article carried by the premise.
Thanks for reading!
RPC-517 -- Kenos
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» RPC-517 -- Kenos
Summary:
Medium, leaning to short. Not too complex or expansive.
Containment Protocols:
RPC-517-# instances
Wouldn't "-X" make more sense?
along with her mother.
This is:
1- Talking about a singular instance when you were talking about them as a whole
2- Using "her" instead of "its"
3- Not giving a clear reason as to why this should be the case
Either clarify you are talking about the current instance, or that you are talking about all of them and saying that they shold be accompanied by at least 1 close relative
Site personnel are to remain alert
I think just saying "personnel" does the job
Description:
RPC-517 events are not evidently anomalous; rather, RPC-517-A simply appears to have vanished.
I think someone vanishing is really anomalous in nature
as external circumstances1 eventually create situations in which RPC-517 can take place.
Tried putting a go-pro or tracking device on her?
Appendix 01: History
on the October 31st, 2005
on the 31st of October, 2005*
RPC-517-A's hair may have slightly changed in color from its original yellow into a darker shade
I think using actual hair colors like blonde would make more sense
may have shifted upward
upwards*
that RPC-517-1's DNA profile was inconsistent with their archived pre-RPC-517 profile
You are shifting between pronouns left and right, try to stick to "it" or "her" I would recommend the former
on August 12th, 2006
Same deal with the other dates
have individually claimed to have occasionally seen an entity or hallucination that was identical in appearance to themselves standing in close proximity
I think it would be cool if it was a messed up version of themselves, not in the likes of "ohhohhh blood" but like, it looks like her, but also not, its like a rough version of herslef, if you get me
as "the person"
Capitalize the title
Anne M., Site-065 Humanoid Anomaly Psychiatrist
I think "Dr. Anne M - Site-065 blah blah blah" would work better
A: Yeah, just. You know, another event.
Would she really just call it "event"? I would assume she would say something like "It happened again"
B: Is that all? What about the person?
A: Why would it not be?
Sounds like there is something missing in between here
Appendix 02: Update
were noted;
Should be :
Final Review:
Short and kino, like it
Altought maybe you should leave the final segment more ambigious, in the likes of "We don't know what RPC-517-X is anymore"
Tracking devices fail to transmit during RPC-517 events, and do not return upon reappearance.
Fail to transmit it's location for the sake of specifying it
It was later discovered by involved police agents that
Remove involved, makes this sentence feel clunky
close to that of the disappearance
in the proximity of the area where they initially disappeared
We'll be done soon today
Remove today to help the sentence flow better
Are you sure that's what you dreamed
Are you sure that was your dream
Nitpicks out of the way, I genuinely just wasn't interested whatsoever in this article until the ending which made me go "huh that's interesting". I didn't feel really interested in this at all and can't say I feel one way or the other about this
Novote
Tight surveillance or constant company are not sufficient to prevent RPC-517 from occurring, as external circumstances eventually create situations in which RPC-517 can take place.
I would say this is enough justification to label 517 as a tychokinetic hazard.
This discovery has changed current Authority understanding of RPC-517. While originally believed to be a single person affected by an anomalous event, it is now certain that this is not the case. The most widespread explanation is that RPC-517-0 has instead been replaced by one or more unique individuals of unknown origin.
I really like the last section, but in my opinion you're better off leaving this realization to the reader. I say cut the final paragraph.
You've got a lot of stuff here, and it all works. I wouldn't call it "medium" or "simple", but it's carried by the premise and you've provided a complete picture without explaining anything. Nothing feels too extraneous or outta nowhere, it's a solid piece all around.
Good job.
Wow, this is a really great concept you have here! I was fully invested in the story from the beginning to the end. The discovery section I think is perfect, and the mystery over why the anomalous events keep happening is really engaging.
My only real complaint is the ending. So at the end, it's pretty much explained that the "Wendy Alvarado" in containment is not the "real" Wendy Alvarado. Something is pretending to be her. That is actually a scary thought, especially with regards to the mother, but there are some questions I had as a reader that made me step back and question this twist.
What are these random dreams she claims to remember during the events? We get a partial description of the first one, with the boiling water and what not, but there doesn't seem to be an obvious connection to this imagery at the end, and I don't think any of the other dreams are mentioned. The last disappearance is described as a lucid encounter.
Why doesn't her personality set off alarm bells at first with the family? Granted they were emotionally distraught, but the article also seems to imply her personality changes in the very first iteration were not that big. If this is some monster that took over her identity, I can't imagine would have been that subtle, but this point is admittedly debatable.
Also, since there's more than one instance, this seems to suggest there's more than one "monster" here that keeps getting taken out by other iterations. This idea isn't really that interesting to me. It takes the sense of dread away knowing there's a monster "species" rather than just 1 monster.
I personally think there's something more menacing about there just being 1 iteration, and then when the twist at the end comes, it'll be extremely shocking. Granted, the way your draft is set up now, I don't know how you would account for multiple disappearances and anatomical changes. Perhaps the monster just inherently has this power, and that's why "she" disappears. Maybe the monster is going after other kids, taking some of their physical characteristics from them, and then at the end the Authority finds out there's actually a ton of these cold cases with the same sort of murder pattern.
Transmutation?, Teleportation?
You don't know? It's your anomaly lol
are held on
Think you meant "are to be held in"
their mother
Is this not just RPC-517?
Standard humanoid containment guidelines apply.
Like what?
Site
Site
Lowercase
identity; RPC-517-#
I'd change the semicolon to a period.
on the October
Delete "the"
08:00 PM
What time zone?
partaking on
"partaking in"
searching
"search"
Anne M.
Is she not "Dr. Anne M."?
it was ultimately decided not to amnesticize RPC-517-2's mother in order to facilitate her cooperation and ensure emotional stability
So I guess her father got the short of the deal here huh?
once, few
"once, a few" or "once: a few"
ASF guard M. Merlo, stationed nearby, claimed to have heard a loud, metallic noise at this time, not unlike that made by personnel knocking on cell doors during food rounds; however, Merlo realized that such rounds would usually occur approximately thirty minutes later and moved toward the noise, catching a brief glimpse of the entity before it demanifested.
This is a really long sentence.
B: Is that all? What about the person?
A: Why would it not be?
B: The hair tic is back.
A: Oh. It just feels familiar.
I don't understand these lines.
My head is spinning from the implications of the last note, the descriptive writing flows well and it doesn’t ever really drag. The interviews are both good on their own, although they more or less communicate the same information in a holistic sense and could probably be amalgamated somehow if you wanted to make the pacing a little quicker. Overall a well-thought out article that fully realizes its idea without explaining things our outliving its welcome. If you could find some way to add a picture it would be that much better for it. The containment protocols do a good job of setting everything up, too.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
/forum/t-13867979/rpc-517-kenos#post-