http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/donnyfox
Hello, I'm new here and am looking for some feedback on a personnel file I've been working on for a little bit. I wanted to try something a little more original and this is what came out. I'm excited to see how I can improve my work.
I think this is awesome. There are no mistakes that I can point out, and everything just feels right, this is the first personnel file I've read, and I love it. I think you've already found your footing here.
All of this just feels real, as if I'm reading an actual government personnel file. Great job, dude.
Division: Authority Central Intelligence
"Protection Division - Authority Central Intelligence" or just "Protection Division" with the below reading "Authority Central Intelligence (DEP-022)"
Counter Intelligence Department(DEP-022)
Leave a space before the (DEP-022)
Birthplace: Missoula, Montana
Missoula, Montana, USA*
Education History
Primary, secondary, and higher education should be the first on the list, with formal training on his field last
████ Magazine, Editor, (2011-2012)
Writer of multiple porn reviews.
idk if that can, or should be counted towards relevant information, at least not like this. You could just "suggest" it by the name of the magazine, something like "████ Erotica Magazine"
this would cause Mark to develop tachycardia at a young age which he was constantly hospitalized for.
You can't develop "tachycardia." Thats just the name for a realy high rate of beats/m. You could say he began suffering from Hypertension at an early age, which could result in the before mentioned condition or even a heart attack at one point, which COULD be a cause for getting hospitalized
After a heart surgery, Mark's heart would heal
You can't fix high blood pressure or tachycardia with heart surgery, you can make some of the permanent effects caused by it go away for the mean-time, but high blood pressure and stress is a semi-permanent thing, so he would need to watch out for stuff to not increase it and such, medications even.
As such, I don't think the part "Mark's heart would heal" should really be there, try to change it to something more ambigious about his current condition
after an EKG at MEPS revealed his heart condition.
At this point Mark seems to have a permanent heart condition rather than something caused by stress of tension or stress, but that could be made worse by the two, something like Coronary heart disease
Diaz would go to Northridge High School
You should decide between calling him Mark or Diaz, I suggest the latter
which would cause him to apply to the California Arts Institute.
Didn't you already said he went there on the previous segment
way to writing porn reviews in early 2012.
Not clinical, you could just say he went to edit adult magazines.
upload Photo 1-1
In this called they are called somethin like Fig. 1
A later decision by Director ████ would be made to induct Diaz into the ranks of the Authority.
You could also say why they didn't use amnestics on him. Something like that the kept the information hidden before publishing or an extended period of time, at which normal Amnestics would no longer function efficiently, or could make the situaton worse.
I am ordering that Mr. Diaz not be given amnestics for his photos of Operation ████.
Same as I said before
Director ████████
Shouldn't it "Regional Director" to have this kind of say power? Unless you mean Global Director, in which cause you should say GD-██
Diaz agreed on the condition to make a livable wage and to have his college debt paid
I mean, working at the Authority isn't working at McDonalds specially for ACI units, so I'm sure the work could be enough to make a living and have to pay for his debts on the meantime over an extended period of time. I guess they could agree to cut SOME of the debt, but all is just dumb, both to ask and to grant
Interviewers: Director ███, Agents Cross, and Stanfield
You should also put the interviewed, and follow normal formatting as seen here: Interview Format a little below
[A black bag is taken off of Diaz's head, revealing an obvious black eye and contusion to the side of his face. He is disoriented and confused. A meal is prepared in front of him, a knife and fork sit there.]
They could just take him to a site pretty normally in a car, and if it didn't work, give him amnestics and drop him back home. The whole kidnapp deal is kind too over the top, alongside his condition as there is no reason they couldn't have posed as offering him a job as a press reporter and offered to carry him to the Site in question
[Stanfield takes out his phone and sets a timer on the table. It starts to countdown.]
Leave a space after this, also when regarding actions, you should either bold them or teleype them. You can find both option in the top left corner of the wikidot edit box
CROSS: Or we'd just kill you and be done with it. That's the fun way.
I really don't see why he would say that, aside from being ordered not to intervine, the Authority really doesn't kill people, and these guards are proper trained units, not bad-mouthed bought mercenaries, and given most have a military background, it would be extremely weird to act like this after the higher in command told you to stand, would literally be fired
DIRECTOR: You get to live.
I mean, as I said before, they can his drug him and return him back like if nothing happened. Aside, he isn't an award winning journalist, but a random philipino that wrote porn reviews, so making a counter-argument in the media to say his stuff is fake would be piss easy
DIAZ: You don't have enough people watching the media front.
I mean, they do
You should've had someone like me to blow the whistle and contact your people
Again, he is literally a nobody, an argument that could even be used by the Director to make him get off his high horse and take the deal.
200 thousand dollars.
Administration would eat his head like roasted meat in a piranha-infested water. Again, he is the one in the worst position in regards to his leeway over the Authority, not the other way around, and as I said before, ACI is not McDonalds salary.
Multiple Human Resources complaints against Diaz have been filed for his “lack of professionalism” and his demeaning comments toward co workers.
I mean one thing is being smug and the other is dancing around getting fired and send to asian jungles.
Close HR Complaints
He should honestly get fired at this point, tbh
Diaz: Mhm… Well, I am doing my job, aren’t I?
Unless he is really fucking dumb I don't see why he couldn't catch up on the danger he is putting his job by doing said things
if they can openly air their judgements about me “not belonging” because I’m not a scientist or soldier
I don't see why they would do this since half of the Authority personnel is neither scientists or soldiers in any formal manner.
Honestly the HR interview is the absolute worst part of the article
Kettleman: Care to elaborate?
A doctor in psychology doesn't know what a coping mechanism is? Or didn't come to him as a first thought?
Open Psychiatric Interview
Actually a cool part of the article that shows character
Mixed feelings, I really like some parts and I really don't like some others
Overall, its still one of the most interesting and complete Personnel Profiles out there, so good job with that, with some fixes it would be a nice addition to the site
