"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
I hadn't read the original RPC-042 before critiquing this draft, so after typing out the grammar critique, I went back to look at the original article in order give my thoughts on what has been changed. I would say the best change is the addition of the Aztec supplemental, although I have some conceptual issues with the RPC as a whole. Other than that, I did like the night vision photographs in the original.
To start off with, I didn't quite understand the intrigue going on in the logs as far as the MST commanders and why certain people were involved in the operation. Was it just slice-of-life content or is there something deeper there that I'm not picking up on? I also didn't get why the containment breach happened. It seems like there was a test of some sort that backfired, but then there was also another incident at Sector-009 where two RPC-045 instances were sealed away and got loose. Was there a connection here too I missed?
I didn't buy the idea of this anomaly somehow making its way from Mesoamerica to Great Britain and staying undetected for centuries afterwards. Unless there was some premodern AoI involved that could have dealt with its transportation, it seems bizarre that Spanish conquistadors would want to transport this monster back to the Old World. The draft also states there are multiple instances of RPC-042, but how would there still be this many even after the rituals ended and the Aztecs killed almost all of them? Do they reproduce somehow, or is somebody still practicing the rituals?
I also don't understand how their bone density could be so strong as to be able to defend against heavy automatic ammunition. Their powers seem unrelated to their purpose - like why would they be designed to attack anything above a certain decibel limit? The angle of them being anti-Aztec fighters gone wrong overall doesn't work for me. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to be connected with some Druid or pagan ritual since it was spotted in Britain? The anomaly still needs more conceptual work in my opinion.
Reported sightings of RPC-042 are to be reported
Redundant
While presented as a dangerous entity to public security
I don't understand the context of this. I'll come back to this after going through the article.
EDIT: Okay so I still don't understand what this means. Who is presenting the anomaly as dangerous? It seems pretty naturally dangerous already.
in no circumstances
I would say 'under no circumstances'
is to be allocated
I think 'transferred' works better here.
System also prevents
'The system'
affecting
effecting
Control room
The control room
located approximately
'Approximately' makes it seem like it's just a guess. I would just drop the word.
are to be psychological evaluated,
either 'psychologically evaluated' or 'are to be given a psychological evaluation'
process
processes
containment unit
the containment unit
automated
Not automatic?
Due to its contents deemed sensitive
I'd rewrite this to say 'Due to the sensitive nature of its contents'. I'd also probably just footnote this sentence.
to differ to
to differ from
is remarkable
Not clinical
its upper jaw
Drop 'its'
supernumerary
footnote what this means
teeths
teeth
that each
that they
appear to be significantly decomposed.
I would say 'appear to be in significant states of decomposition'
Decomposition has been determined to be at the advanced stage of decay, though this state normally exhibits tissue and cell breakdown.
Clarify what the anomaly here is better. Is it that for the state of decomposition the entity is undergoing, it exhibits abnormal elasticity or dexterity for its condition?
EDIT: Okay so the very next sentence says what's going on here. Just delete this one then since it seems redundant.
In this case, RPC-042’s vital tissues repair and degrade on a reoccurring cycling, meaning it doesn’t decompose and instead slowly repairs any damaged tissues.
revealed
reveal/have revealed
exceptionally thick
Uh, make this more clinical.
With each bone is rigidly connected, researchers uncovered that each bone
Not entirely sure what you mean here. Did you mean 'With each bone being rigidly connected, researchers uncovered that every bone"?
unfamiliar substance
'unknown substance'
within a matter of seconds to minutes.
What determines how long a bone would regenerate itself? The type of bone, the severity of damage? Seems strange to not just pick one and say 'within a matter of seconds/minutes'
organ
organs
spiral organ
spinal column?
decompose and its composition is absorbed by the subject’s anatomy at a certain stage.
I don't understand what you mean by this? It absorbs its own decomposed organs? Do they regrow and just decompose? Or was it just a one-time thing? I guess I don't see the relevance here.
sensory systems in its body structure
Such as?
the frequency tuning of sensitive sound waves
This isn't just frequency detection? How does it tune sound waves?
Atlantic
Parenthesize operation names: "Atlantic"
The last wall carvings depict the deceased war chief rising from the table and attacking the Tepanec priests
So the ritual backfired. Did the Aztecs document this? I don't know if the Tepanic would have had the time to not only stop the monster but also depict this incident during the Aztec siege.
but rather fled the city as their rituals proliferated.
Who fled the city? This phrase doesn't seem to have much to do with the preceding clause.
en masse
italicize
Aztec Death Whistles
Footnote what these are.
similar to that of modern procedure in the use of a flashbang.
A little too on-the-nose for me. This can be implied without stating it outright.
security were dispatched
was dispatched
screeching audio
I would have said "Klazo Effect" in the audio recording.
Grammar and phraseology
- Containment Protocol 'Revision 042.1'
Containment Protocol' Revision 042.1'
- to be allocated to a controlled containment zone, temporarily designated as Sector 042-CCZ. / to be temporarily allocated to a controlled containment zone, designated as Sector 042-CCZ.
to be allocated to a controlled containment zone, designated as Sector 042-CCZ, temporarily.
- personnel assigned to containment observation and monitoring are to be psychologically evaluated and replaced weekly.
- (Additionally, you could be more specific if they are to be replaced no matter if side effects start appearing and whether they can return to that position after some time had passed. The Authority is big, but it will run out of available protection staff if it needs three new ones each week)
personnel assigned to containment observation and monitoring are psychologically evaluated and replaced weekly.
- A footnote mentioning a regular human's bone in density will leave a greater impression on the reader.
approximately 2.9cm to 3.2cm in diameter.
- noted that when in a confined space
noted that when in a confin"ed space
- This can be read as the Effect not knowing that it causes disorders, not that the subject does not notice immediately the effects appearing.
In rare cases, the Klazo Effect, if exposed to any person within a certain radius, has the potential to develop a psychological disorder in the person unknowingly.
- According to one of your men he was, and onquote; 'ripped to shreds', endquote.
According to one of your men and onquote; 'He was ripped to shreds' endquote.
- Particularly during the Mesoamerican period
Particularly in the Mesoamerican period
- and abruptly ceased before its fall.
and abruptly ceased before its fall."
- Date is missing(?)
At the early hours of Thursday,
- pray that you will be able to purge it under the beacon of God's work.
pray to you you purge it under the beacon of God's work.
- You sent those officers without following proper procedure.
You sent those officers without following procedure.
- within the facility.
within this facility!
- The following audio has been added in by the OISR
The following audio has been added in by the OIRS
Formatting
- Everything in brackets needs to be in itallics.
- Unless it is [BEGIN/END LOG], then it is in bold.
- Brackets
Corporal Tremblay stares and shakes their head.
- Italicize
- Dr. Hudson Francis, Department of Pre-Columbian Civilizations
Cpl. Tremblay leans closer.
- "Letter" and "Manifesto" should be separated from the documents themselves.
Narrative
- This one is a bit confusing: echolocation is not related to volume of sounds, but its height. It is also to better say that it has a limited form of echolocation, rather than it is capable of regular echolocation (that is used in very open spaces).
- If 042 uses regular echolocation, then it means that it just creates a very high noise by gnashing its teeth. Humans can't hear the noise itself, but they can hear the teeth grinding. But, animals (especially dogs) will be able to hear the noise.
- If 042 relies only on noises that are 20 or more db loud, teeth gnashing is too silent. Unless they clack and rattle at each other louder than a whisper or leaves rustling, better to find a new way to create noise, like clacking its teeth in short sucession.
One observation noted that when in a confin"ed space, the subject excessively grinds their teeth, indicating that RPC-042 may have the capability to echo-locate within confined spaces.
- In the supplemental report, it is said that carvings were found depicting what exactly happened during the ritual, but that begs the question who made these carvings: If the city now had a number of these creatures running around, followed by an assault by the Aztecs, who had the time and safety to chisel out these depictions?
- It would make more sense if the depictions were made by Aztecs listening to the war prisoners and making them in one of their own cities, or have them made when some of them returned to the city after the war (if something like that happened and was possible)
A black circle above the body was spotted by Dr. Francis, suggesting that the ritual was performed during a solar eclipse. The last wall carvings depict the deceased war chief rising from the table and attacking the Tepanec priests. Further adding that a group of humanoids were attacking the Tepanecs, described as tall demons with their skeletal areas exposed.
- The Spanish letter and manifesto were found in the New World, inside of an outpost. This implies that the two men did not, for some reason, bring the letter or the manifesto with them. I can assume that the letter was sent from a different outpost to the guy in charge of the sender, but it makes no sense for the manifesto to be left without reason, since it should be brought onto the ship as a way of keeping in check what is present there.
At the early hours of Thursday, one of the excavation teams uncovered what appears to be a former Spanish Outpost at Sector 042-007. Outpost seems to have been abandoned a long time ago, with the jungle elements taking over.
End thoughts
It is a general improvement, but not without its faults.
The primary concern is the biggest addition, with the Aztec origin of 042. Whilst it is believable that it is a product of an ancient ritual gone possibly wrong, what is not believable is that a single instance of something so dangerous and numerous was decided that it be shipped to Spain from Mexico, through the English canal, where it presumably capsized the ship and took around 400 years to claw its way out and arrive to England.
There has been no trade routes, at least as far as I know, that would make a group travelling from central America to Spain go through the English canal for any reason. I would understand if it were not Spaniards but the French or English doing something like this, but again, it makes not much sense. If there was a trade route that had this route, it would be good if you added a map depicting it in the article, with pointing out where it is believed that the ship capsized or was seen last. If not, it needs to be fixed otherwise.
The subtle detail of implying the possibility that the reason why the Aztec empire fell was because of them killing 042 instances is interesting and an alright way to motivate the letter writer to send an instance to Spain to get purified, but it is not good enough. Blind faith can make a man do stupid things, but an entire crew agreeing to take a highly aggressive, highly dangerous creature to their home, where it can escape and do the same things they have seen them doing in the jungle, with the possibility of the misfortune affecting their country leading to its destruction is a very big stretch.
Why wouldn't they have tried bringing a number of priest's first, to see if it works? Or did something that prompted them to think that purification is possible? An idea could be that the instances tried attacking a group of them holed up in the settlement's church, and scattering whilst howling in pain after hearing the bell tolling. Instead of connecting it to the noise, they think it has a religious meaning, so they manage to lure one of them inside of the church, knock it unconscious with the tolls and then be able to bring it back to the church.
But all in all, it is a good first version of the draft that just need more elbow grease to truly shine.
since this post has enough crit to be published on the site im just going to give this as just a plain reader:
comparing this new version of 042 with the old feels like it has reached a big ramp up and upgrade is some areas that while i didn't took too much attention, they felt as if they were now different and better ones.
the only big "complain" since i can let it slide for the sake of separating fiction from reality is that the anomaly crossed the atlantic without any casualties in the boats or in general escaped/remained in that state for as long as it was.
while the aztec empire didnt felt as it is implied by that i really loved the subtext of it and it gives an anomalous reasoning as why their sudden dissapearance
overall the old version from my part was a 5/5 but now it remains the same as before, great work pierson, as always