The Endless Allegiance / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page The Endless Allegiance.

Logangreenjeans 26 Oct 2020 04:05

Let the record show that I posted this at 11:58 EST

here it is, unfinished and with a whole heap of problems.

big thanks to these guys
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-13836237/rpc-013-contest-entry#post-4804185
who made my article less unfinished

also pee pee :)))

TheSkilledFox 26 Oct 2020 21:22

Neutral vote

Almarduk 26 Oct 2020 23:02

Neutral vote here. I feel like my main crit concerns were addressed, but don't really elevate the article to something I'd consider good in its current state. I'm looking forward to see it become better after the contest.

0ktober 26 Oct 2020 23:39

This article is very up and down. The autopsy scene had my attention very well and I think the pacing of it was very good for a horror segment, and the magic trick scene was genuinely wholesome and had my attention fully as well. The other segments range from okay but not very attention-holding, to pretty boring. I'm upvoting because I liked those two scenes more than anything else I've read so far, but the rest of the article really holds it back. I'd be up to give a lot of feedback to help improve it before you post it to the mainlist.

Other notes: There's a ton of run-on sentences and other grammar errors. The formatting is really fantastic but a bit cramped on mobile. Maybe use an @media for screen size to make the margins smaller on mobile.

TheGreatTarbolin69 27 Oct 2020 14:10

W-What do they do to the boys Logan…?

Logangreenjeans 27 Oct 2020 18:43

:champagne_glass:

Blairin 28 Oct 2020 16:58

Neutral vote as well. I'm leaning more towards a negative, though. I really liked how it started out. I liked the autopsy, I liked the chicanery of taking a huge roundabout way to describe traditional witches without ever using the word witch.

But the research logs just lost me. They felt unnecessary. The classified logs were… fine. I don't have any strong opinions about them. I think going more ham into traditional lore of witches would've been more my preference.

Also, the very small lines that the ATG had irked me for some reason. "Bomb!" "We've contained the target, now pull us out." It just isn't milspeak. For example: "Throwing explosive, take cover." and "Contained target, requesting evac." I understand if you want to play up their heat of the moment, but the "we've contained the target, now pull us out" makes it feel like they're not in the heat of the moment, more just annoyed.

Last edited on 28 Oct 2020 17:03 by Blairin Show more

SovereignAuthority 29 Oct 2020 01:41

I actually disagree with the other reviewers because I really enjoyed this article, especially the way you portray the interviewers psychologically manipulating their subjects which I don't think I've seen done before so well. The autopsy section was also masterfully done, and that last log actually shocked me. Perhaps addendum B-and-C can be straightened up to be on par with the rest of the document, but neither section was an issue for me when I read it. Excellent job!

Croal 29 Oct 2020 17:27

Neutral.
Same as the others, a lot of the long military heavy logs I didn't enjoy, other parts were nice though.

The premise of needing a stick is weird to me and felt disjointed, if it's supposed to be a witch/wizard island then I'm sure that witches would use tones of materials. I'd suggest taking inspiration from modern and old practicing witches.