Description: RPC-013 is a eroded and modified three story luxury yacht that is crewed by fifteen unique humanoid anomalies, designated as RPC-013 through 15.
The ship appears heavily rusted and eroded, covered in a number of aquatic creatures such as kelp, seaweed and barnacles. The ship, although it is of relatively modern make, also seems to have a number of driftwoods attached to its hull and surface, the most prominent of which is a large mast, positioned at the center of the vessel. On top of this mast is a black and white flag which depicts, according to the aforementioned humanoid anomalies, a “Cybernetically enhanced skull with vampiric/werewolf2 fangs, holding a ritual knife in its teeth”.
Missing line break between both paragraphs
which collaborates with Instance 4’s claims of salvaging parts from various different ships they have found whilst sailing underneath the surface.
"which corroborates RPC-013-4's claims…"
The ship at the moment of writing has fifteen anomalous humanoids, which have been identified as members of the filk group “Stola’s sonneteers” who have been reported missing as of November 1st, 2000. The group had previously departed on the 28th of October for a 3-day holiday themed cruise, paid for by their producer, during which it is believed they have entered an anomalous event.
Departed from where? Where do they belong? What's a filk group?
The instances currently all have the physical appearance of the costume they wore during the celebration.
I'd change this to;
"They appear to have incorporated the costumes they were wearing during the celebration to their physiology."
Although extremely varied in appearance, they are all capable of clearly communicating with one another and moving regardless of the costumes’ appearance and anatomy.
"Despite aspects of their novel physiology that would impede them from performing certain actions (i.e. speaking, walking, etc.), they remain equally capable to baseline human beings."
The only exception is RPC-013-Thaumiel, who was not wearing a costume at the moment of the event.
Why is Thaumiel not numerated?
Although non-confirmed to be the true cause, this resulted in the subject fusing to the wall on the second floor’s exterior wall, immobilizing him. The process also rendered the subject mute, as his lungs and vocal cords were destroyed.
"This is assumed to be the cause for its current state; the subject has partially fused to the exterior wall of the second floor, rendering it immobile and mute. It is unknown how the subject remains alive, as its lungs and vocal cords were destroyed or rendered nonfunctional as a result."
Presumed dead at first, it was confirmed that the subject was still alive and conscious by the troupe members, showing that he was capable of following movements in his vicinity with his eyes, as well as his irises correctly reacting to light exposure. Most members are sympathetic to the current state of RPC-013-Thaumiel, and often attempt to somehow include him in their activities such as practicing songs, discussing or playing tabletop games on the floor he is situated in. Members claim that he enjoys these activities and the feeling of inclusion.
"Initially presumed dead, other members of the troupe discovered that the subject remained alive and capable of moving his eyes and responding to exposure to light. Troupe members are sympathetic toward the subject, attempting to include him in group activities such as…"
The vessels quickly surrounded RPC-013, with one of them approaching it, the on-board ASF preparing their weapons. Troupe members, likely incorrectly identifying the ANV as a civilian vessel, attempted to scare it off through screeches and roars. In reply, ASF fired warning shots from their rifles.
"The vessels quickly surrounded RPC-013, with [vessel name] soon attempting to board it. Troupe members, likely mistaking the ANV for a civilian vessel, attempted to scare it off through screeches and roars, in response of which ASF personnel opened warning fire."
He uprights himself quickly
"He returns to his feet" maybe?
013-04: Some of us tried leaving the ship. But sooner or later we all realized we couldn’t really do it, from the pain. It wasn’t something we enjoyed, but we got used to it sooner than later. After some time, I started hearing laughter and conversations starting again around the ship. The frequency and intensity grew as time passed, and soon we were back in action! We knew we couldn’t sit around and do nothing, so we got to work, and continued making our songs and building a reputation as a cursed ship, one straight out of the folk tales!
[under breath] God is there anyone normal on this ship… [regular tone]
I don't like this line. It feels a little cringy and undeserved when you consider that this man is supposed to have been dealing with anomalies for a while.
Just a comment: when you described 013-19 as the "retard henchman" I imagined him more like a Starscream thing. I like how the group's personalities so far is a watered-down more sensical version of a cartoon trope, but toning up the whimsy in a few segments would help a bit (like, you could have them behave interchangeably like their characters and like normal people)
Documentation attained through recovered diary of 013-thaumiel. Due to the diary being codified increasingly from end to beginning, archiving will begin from the last relevant entry to the first.
This section should be boldened/italicized maybe? To distinguish it from the immediately following
I won’t bother going through the process of coding my words this evening: I am in too much of a good mood to go through such a hassle.
Shouldn't this have been before the entire thing? Unless he writes, then erases and ater encodes what he wrote…?
I think I like the characters and the general thing you're going for, but I feel kind of disarmed at the time of critiquing it. Dialogue and characterization are absolutely not my forte, and I'm not really used to stories like this.
I personally like it and would 100% at least 4-star, but I just don't have many useful words for you.
You should outline exactly how many instances there are, how they look, and how they behave in the description. By the time we get to the interviews, we're suddenly being introduced to characters in a way that's abrupt and hard to keep track of.
I'd also try to make the general themes of normal life v. new supernatural existence a little stronger throughout the piece. It's not that they're not present, just that they could be more.
