The Power-Master 57
(account deleted) 22 Oct 2020 04:41
A video game console from a destroyed universe that saves games from dead or dying universes as a form of preservation.
The Power-Master 57
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» The Power-Master 57
(account deleted) 22 Oct 2020 04:41
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Yeah, you should kinda remove this
Containment Protocols:
Containment Protocols:
RPC-XXX is to…
Why like this and not the normal way? Like such
Containment Protocols: RPC-XXX is to
It looks weird for no reason
RPC-XXX is to be contained via a plastic storage containment box measuring at 2x2x2 meters.
via a*
It would be more simple to re-word it like:
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a 2m3 anomalous containment locker
You can do the little 3 by putting a ^^ at the start and end of it+
what video games
Idk, "Video Games" just doesn't sound clinical, I just don't know what to replace it with
Oniritryptin
Put a link to the veredicts page on the word itslef rather than on a footnote, if not, there is little context. You should also give a reason why they would need them at all
Description:
length of 230mm, a width of 54mm, and a height of 60mm
Just say 23cm, 5cm, and 6cm respectively
that has been identified being of extra-dimensional in origin.
that have been identified as being extra-dimensional in origin*
yet because of its origins
yet due to*
assumed that it is highly advanced
assumed to be highly advanced*
a relatively high storage spac
Give us a number? Footnote?
and two unknown devices designed for the
For the what?
has been destroyed meaning that
has been destroyed, meaning that*
loss of theft
loss or theft*(?)
9mmx9mm
1cm2*
unaffected by any form of
form of what?
The console has a number of different physical modes and seems to be transformable to a certain extent. Upon hearing a certain voice command, RPC-XXX will have its dimensions changed depending on the order given by the current owner of the console. "Console" mode will transform it into possessing dimensions of about 230mmx54mmx60mm and weighs approximately 26 kilograms made up of assorted metals and plastics that are extra-dimensional in origin2
This WHOLE thing could easily be removed, doesn't add anything new
it is cogitated that it would take [REDACTED]
Lazy redaction
and that a number of hypothesizes have been made regarding the nature of RPC-XXX.
Same thing as the big starting segment
The current approximate specifications of RPC-XXX are not known as the technology used in its construction is well beyond contemporary scientific understanding.
You have already said this
any form of damage and can survive a profuse amount of high pressures and can function in almost any hazardous environment
Twice "and can" in the same sentence
It was first postulated that the adaptive nanites are able to resist environmental hazards without the risk of taking any substantial damages by rearranging themselves on a molecular level.
Semantics, its just the same information than at the start but told differently, thats just how most nano-anything works
Apart from the anomalous nature of the games, there have been some that show a greater beneficial effect upon their users. Some of the beneficial effects include increased intelligence, greater reaction times, enhanced pattern recognition, and a markedly increased resistance to cognitive and memetic hazards after five or more hours of play.
Is there any reason for this to happen aside from "because." It just seems like a dumb le powerful effect to add on top, and if it really does that I don't see why this Site' wouldn't make all their personnel play it at least once a day, even ASF personnel
Footnote 3
I don't see how this related to the part its in, which on itself doesn't really say much
but cross testing RPC-XXX with any other RPC has been forbidden by the Anomaly Experimentation Team in caution of causing a potentially highly dangerous anomalous event.
You don't ban something unless you have proof something bad can happen, which is the exact opposite of what we are seeing now
Games Currently Accessible
To start off, I think this should come after Discovery as an addendum, but do as you like
The games have been proven to be beneficial to the abilities and have been shown being able to improve the cognitive abilities of the player and alleviate some minor cognitive defects within the individual. The games have been shown being able to adapt and change to fit the psychological profile and capabilities of the player.
More repeated information
Platform 3.9D Action-Adventure/RPG
I see you use "3.9D, 10D, 6D" and shit without giving much explanation, if you just put that there without explaining it, and just for "cool" sake, might as well not put it
The Descriptions of each game
I mean, the first two are "ok" but it gets boring, and there isn't anything interesting to look at since its just game descriptions and no Athority intake or explanation, nor do they seem to be very different in effects from eachother
Discovery
Kyle [REDACTED]
lazy redaction
and an attempt
in an*
but it was later uncovered that he was not a resident of this reality.
How?
RPC-XXX was soon recovered from the Amazing-Co personnel and placed into containment at Site-88 for testing purposes.
Again, how
Final Review:
2-3/5 its VERY rough on its current state, major issues like:
- Repeating information we already know over and over, or adding mostly useless info makes the article a lot longer than it should be
- Wierd use of past and present tense makes some parts very awkward
- The anomaly basically being an ultra useful asset for the Authoiry, which they have no reason to not dial Nucorp and have that shit reverse engineered, or do it themselves by using diverse methods. There is no reason to not use this with every single personnel and MST on the world
Overall, it has an interesting idea but a subpart execution, I hope you can fix those issues
Thanks for the input. I really struggle with trying to tie everything down in a singular coherent format, but I'm glad I received the criticism.
with electronic components being identified as extra-dimensional in origin.
What exactly makes them extra-dimensional? Are they seemingly impossible elements/lower coherency/reality signature/whatever?
Given the title as a "Power-Master 57", RPC-XXX's specifications are largely unknown and have not yet been determined due to its aforementioned origins.
"Given the title as a" implies that the entire sentence will be focused around the title. I'd reword this to;
"Given its origins, RPC-XXX's specifications are largely unknown."
The included advertisement magazine has publicize that RPC-XXX itself is capable of holding up to "1.9 Infinibytes." This unit of measurement is not much known, but it is possible that it came from its reality where this "Power-Master" was originally from.
The second sentence is kind of redundant. We already know that the entire console is from another universe, so restating where it's from feels unnecessary. I'd simply describe that the exact storage amount has not been determined, or that it has and it is equal to [whatever amount]
that claims it can hold games from every known universe in existence.
Has this been verified? How can the console still connect to an extradimensional net?
Effects
We've never been told that these games affect human capabilities. Add a sentence to that effect somewhere in the description.
Power-Master 57 Advertisement Magazine
I don't see what's the point of this transcript. It just kinda restates what we've been told already, save for this element of multiuniversal recovery that doesn't really have much protagonism.
I also believe that this portrayal of Amazing! Co is inconsistent with what they've been shown to be elsewhere in the site. Amazing Co is generally said to be this interdimensional, incomprehensible force of capitalism that cannot be understood, rather than simply an anomalous corporation. I'm also not sure why the advertisement is so normal, given what other articles have to that same effect.
Overall — I don't see what the point of the article is. The list of games isn't particularly interesting to read, given that they all read like normal games that could exist rather than games from dead dimensions. Why do they provoke changes in capability when played? Those effects don't add anything to the article and aren't used to its advantage. What if, for example, the games shift the capabilities of its players to be more or less the same than its original users? That way we'd get a better glimpse of these "dead universes."
I also suggest you read a little more of the newest parts of the RPC archive to get an idea of what articles are supposed to be. At the end of the day, articles are pieces of entertainment — they're meant to entertain and hold your attention. "Weird things" without some degree of originality or skillful writing simply don't cut it anymore.
I thought the creativity in the video game titles and the various genre descriptions was entertaining to read but I do not think this draft is ready for mainsite yet because there are a lot of loose narrative threads that need to be resolved. There's hardly any exploration of the online marketplace besides it just hosts everything somehow, and why the Authority thinks its extra-dimensional per say when it could just be from the future.
The discovery log is also way too short. We know nothing about the owner or how Amazing Co. is somehow involved in all this. This section should be expanded out more so we can understand what's going on here. I'm not sure why you also removed a bunch of games from the prior version (looked to see what Almarduk was talking), I think that list is basically the strength of this article so more entries is better than less.
For some reason I am reminded of SCP-4354 with this article, and I think its because that article does a great job having a minimalist backstory but hitting hard with the content like I think you're trying to do here. Right now the RPC-666 entry is interesting but doesn't feel overly shocking like I think it should. Fascinating concept here, but the execution needs more work.
what video games they are playing
I would say "monitoring the selection of video games"
For certain games, RPC-XXX-A is to be given to personnel to see certain elements of games that are within RPC-XXX.
Generally its repetitive to repeat a word in the same sentence, so replace one 'certain' with another word.
its materials.
What materials? Specify.
Description:
RPC-XXX
I would remove the line break and just have the sentence start after 'Description:'
of a
for a
casing
case
blue luminating
luminous blue
at
Delete 'at'
central-processing-unit
Not sure if a dash needs to be between each word here.
a nexus for portions of certain areas of stabilized pockets of space and time that have been condensed into digital format.1
Just so I understand the anomaly, does his means the pocket dimension CPU is a nexus point where different chunks of normal space-time are converging at?
a disk drive
What kind of disk drive? Like what's the laser inside? Or is it some strange laser that can read all disk formats?
two different console specific cables designed for the purpose connecting with any TV port.
I would footnote what these are just for more information. Is not just HDMI? How would it connect to a TV with RCA ports or AV screw terminals?
two unknown devices
I would change 'devices' to 'peripherals' like you do in the next sentence.
came
comes
with RPC-XXX. Setting up RPC-XXX
First, change the period to a comma and lowercase 'setting'. Second, I would replace the second 'RPC-XXX' with 'device' or 'game system' so as to not be repetitive.
following materials given as part of the console and permission from personnel from the Engineering Department to handle the assembly of the console for it to be put together in a personnel private room
This is a long sentence I think should be rewritten.
The following other equipment
I would just list the other equipment in the previous sentence instead of breaking it up like this. Perhaps make a bullet point list with all the set-up materials.
the coding of the game.
the code of the game
Considered to be an extremely difficult game as the game itself seems to "cheat", the guide manual instructs the user to find an item called "The Chain That Binds" within the first layer of the game to prevent this.
'Game' just seems too repetitive here. Swap out some words, maybe 'title' or change the last section to 'within the first level to prevent this.'
It is unknown as to what a Stephen-System RPG is, but from reports about the system itself suggests that the mechanics of a Stephen-System RPG use a number of different algorithms that randomizes the levels of the character. In a Stephen
Fix these sentences.
Collect and find some of the most powerful weapons in the universe to put a stop to this madman's dreams and bring peace to the universe.
I would change the first 'the universe' to 'existence' or 'the galaxy' just so universe isn't repetitive.
combated by certain in the game itself.
Combated by certain what in the game itself?
While the game itself does not have any anomalous effects on sentient individuals. The game itself
Again, repetitive. Change the last 'the game itself' to 'it'
resides
reside
foul opportunistic vultures
foul, opportunistic vultures
countries ultimate
'country's ultimate' or did you mean 'countries' ultimate'?
in the face against five other countries
Change 'against' to 'of'
seek to
sought to
how the game can
how it can
It is been
It has been
here: to this world of
Misplaced colon
Find others inner child
Does this mean the player finds other people's inner child? The grammar here is throwing me off.
RPC-XXX. A Fluid
Should be a comma instead of a period.
TODAY, EMPLOYEE, MARKS
One of
within the game
within it
how destructible the environments were
This is extraneous since we know the environment is already malleable from the preceding phrase.
and to eventually cities
Delete 'to'
commander
Shouldn't commander still be capitalized?
the Authority, on June
Delete comma
(Forgot to mention you should probably italicize the game titles in the description boxes)
/forum/t-13832345/the-power-master-57#post-