Spike (RPC Draft)
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/vecter-specter
I hope you guys like it.
Spike (RPC Draft)
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» Spike (RPC Draft)
Summary:
Here's my first RPC draft.
RPC-XXX is contained in a 5m x 5m x 5m x 5m bedrock cube at all times,
The dimensions of an object refers to it's Length, Width, and Height, having a forth dimension makes (Time) no sense.
If you' refering to the shape of the object it's not needed, it's safe to assume that it would have been a cube( or of a similar shape).
Make it "5m x 5m x 5m" and use a more common material, but even then I will have to ask you if specifying their dimensions and composition would be necessary and why could you just use "standard containment chamber" instead?
Floor-█████
Redacting the floor level is unnecessary.
RPC-XXX is a roughly humanoid-shaped entity measuring 1.288 meters tall
Saying that it is roughly humanoid-shaped implies it doesn't behaves like a humanoid. Would you be able to instead just use "humanoid"?
The measured height of the entity doesn't need to go to milimeters, settle on 1.3m just like what you did with 80.7 kg
RPC-XXX is hostile towards human life but shows no interest in other mammalian species. The reason for this is currently unknown.
RPC-XXX is carnivorous
RPC-XXX has also been known for attempting to catch prey, if not supplied with food.
This is an interesting part that you never delved deeper: This entity is carnivorous yet it forgoes simply hunting animals and instead attacks humans.
Testing has shown that RPC-XXX utilizes the spikes on its body to break through walls or doors to continue chasing its target, bedrock is the only material that has remained undamaged from RPC-XXX’s spikes.
But there is nothing stopping stronger materials from stopping RPC-XXX from progression. It may be able to break through wall but concrete, iron, and steel are far stronger than bricks could offer.
after multiple recordings of sightings of RPC-XXX
Suggest Change: multiple recorded sightings of RPC-XXX
two (2) human corpses were found in different states of decomposition.
Considering it's carnivorous, I imagine RPC-XXX probably took a few bites at them
containment procedures
Suggest Change: containment protocols
The Authority should be preparing for quite some hostility when it emerges.
The article needs more than just the description for a generic monster. There are building blocks for an interesting story. It's aggression towards humans and even passiveness towards animals could definitely be linked to its history in the circus. And that's all I have for you right now. Carry on.
five (5)
No need to reiterate. Only use the number or the word
The containment unit is to be checked on a bi-weekly basis for any types of damage, if any damage is spotted RPC-XXX must be moved into a temporary second containment unit in Site-004
Break this sentence up a bit. Add a period after the first use of "damage". Then add a comma after spotted
scars/burn marks
That slash doesn't feel appropriate. Try just using "and"
and have also shown to be resistant to flames and firearms.
Which have shown resistance to high temperatures and firearms
to break through walls or doors
Change to "destroy barriers or obstacles within its way to allow it to continue its pursuit"
deep into a forest in the area.
Deep within
two (2)
Same mistake as earlier
and will emerge from the chrysalis with new features, and perhaps new abilities.
Informal. Try fixing it to something like **will emerge from the chrysalis with an altered physical appearance and new anomalous abilities
I like the implication of the anomalous circus. You give enough details to let a reader come to their own conclusions about said circus which can allow for quite a bit of variety. However that is where my compliments begin and end. The anomaly itself is not particularly interesting. Just a generic "hunter killer that kills you" anomaly. It is possible you were trying to go for those Series 1 vibes here but the anomaly itself doesn't feel too interesting to carry it. A good Series 1-like article has an interesting idea that is played with but not fully expanded upon. While the circus is a nice touch, the anomaly itself lacks those interesting aspects to truly make a good article.
Overall a 2/5
Hi there, thanks for the crits! However I must ask, how can I make the anomaly itself interesting? What things would I need to include that would make it interesting?
There is story I was going for, but I just didn't interpret into the article that well. The entity was captured by the two ringmasters and was used as a sideshow attraction. The entity was fitted with a shock collar to stop it from eating the other circus animals, and after being only fed table scraps for a while, it finally turned on them, killing them and devouring their corpses, thus giving it a endless hunger towards humans.
/forum/t-13830196/spike-rpc-draft#post-