Excer 013 Contest Entry
Excer 013 Contest Entry
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Summary:
My entry for the 013 Contest.
Formatting:
- Footnote should come after dot
Goddess Atë1.
- Footnote should be after comma
gambling3,
- of the new resident (From here on
of the new resident(Here on
- In the interview logs, the participants need to have colons after their names.
- Put this in brackets
RPC-013 smirks.
RPC-013 quietly laughs
Smirks
RPC-013 sighs
Is heard murmuring. (Also change to "murmurs")
RPC-013 smirks.
Points towards PoI-7896
RPC-013 grins.
Agent Henson is heard grunting in pain when he accidentally bites his tongue
Agent Henson proceeds to dig through his pocket, before retrieving the list given to him. (this one also needs to be a separate paragraph)
Agent Henson trips before they could finish and chips a tooth.
Whispers
PoI-7869 gets up and proceeds to walk away, throwing their sketch book in a nearby garbage bin as they do so. RPC-013 proceeds to walk to the bin, to which agent Henson follows.
Groans, as they pull out the sketchbook from the bin. He then proceeds to hand it to 013.
RPC-013 flips through the sketchbook pages.
RPC-013 finishes looking through the book and after dusting it off, puts it in their jacket.
actually, for brevity's sake: Everything that is italicized in the logs needs to be in brackets
Grammar:
- Yeah, and a real malakas
Yeah, and a real Malakas
- You mean the whole thing with me being Greek, causing chaos, coming to your site
You mean the whole me being greek, causing chaos, me coming to your site
- Correct.
Correct
- "Thank you"
"thank you"
- That's nice. So anyway Doctor █████, I really need to get going.
That's nice, so anyway doctor █████, I really need to get going.
- Fair enough. So let me guess, your bosses want you to talk to me.
Fair enough, so let me guess, your bosses want you to talk to me.
- Your hobby is watching people. Mind if I ask what exactly is the joy in it?
Your hobby is watching people, mind if I ask the joy in it?
- It's their choosing to remain in their misery or do something about it. I don't control their actions.
It's their choosing to remain in their misery or do something about it, I don't control their actions.
- Hang on let, me get out the list…
Hang on let me get out the list
- give you. It's completely up to you if you want to believe it or not.
give you, it's honestly up to you if you want to believe it or not.
- I do believe you, it's just a bit of a hard pill to swallow.
I believe it, I just think it's hard that you're exactly who you say.
- gods exist?
Gods exist?
- Next question.
Next Question.
Narrative and writing:
- Take out both, since there are three languages, not two. Although, an explanation how she learned English would be in place.
RPC-013 is fluent in both English, Greek and ancient Greek.
- An identity license does not exist, or it is something I am unaware of. It would make much more sense if it was identified by an MST member recognizing her by a physical description given by one of the other people in her village
and had been identified by their identity license.
- No sense for her to look every member in the eyes, and then start running. Change to: "but were forced to give chase after being spotted by the anomaly during, and it attempting to escape."
but were discovered by RPC-013 who made eye contact with each member before fleeing,
- with Henson contacting the Authority to receive instructions on how to proceed.
making the decision as to whether or not to call for backup.
- [Groans as he uprights himself] Did you really have to do that? Anyways, Can you tell
Can you tell us where
- Yep, the chances of him becoming a mangaka just disappeared.
Yep, his manga artist career just failed.
- Have you ever have a dream as a kid?
Have you ever have a dream kid?
- A man who's lost everything, and now has nothing left in his life.
A man who's lost everything just take his life.
- find a job somewhere. I've applied
find a job somewhere, I've applied
- Which reminds me, can I borrow £20? There is a new comic issue I want to get.
Which reminds me, can I borrow £20, new comic I saw and want.
Final thoughts:
In short, I really liked the article.
The general premise and way the anomaly functions doesn't go against the quality of the article, and if anything helps the main appeal stand out and shine even more. The characters of this story are all very wonderful and charming, with the silent smugness and compassion of 013 being the highlight of the article.
This immensely helps due to the fact that the article is heavily character-driven, the scenes and interactions enjoyably flowing into each other with relationships growing between the characters. All of the scenes and dialogues don't drag out, and are the perfect length, the content of which is never repeated and needless. Even at moments when I thought that would happen, it only served as a setup for another interesting situation.
Honestly, the only gripe with me would be the choice of comics she was reading: Her spending that much time enjoying them, I would think she would be caught reading some more niche action comics, such as "Judge Dredd", "Requiem" or even "Chainsaw man". Although, the choice of comics could also coincide with what happens in the following scene. For example, in Addendum 013.8, you could replace Deadpool with a comic or and issue of one in which a character receives much needed help, or is prevented from going down a downwards spiral.
Additionally, it might have been better if Henson checked with his uncle if he had a job position available, before approaching the man.
Other then that, excellent article, and one I am looking forward to seeing on the 013 contest.
Containment Protocols:
Currently, RPC-013 cannot be contained by force, and has instead agreed to remain willingly in Authority custody for a period of time.
And that period of time is?
and interact with off-duty staff. RPC-013 is contained in a standard humanoid containment chamber.
as well as interact with off-duty personnel.*
RPC-013 has been given permission to leave Site-007 when they choose to, however they must be accompanied by a Mobile Specialized Team to ensure that they do not utilize their effects maliciously.
Leave to go where exactly? What are the restrictions and what are the MST personnel supposed to do if he does act maliciously?
At a certain period of time, RPC-013 is required to utilize their ability, in order to prevent the creation of a "Butterfly Effect".
At a certain period of time(explan what you mean by that, every week? every month?), RPC-013 is required to make use of its anomalous properties in order to prevent the creation of a "Butterfly Effect".*
RPC-013's status will be changed to Omega-Purple
I don't think "Omega-Purple" should be in colors, its hard to read it
and alternative methods to fully containing RPC-013 will be pursued.
and alternative methods to fully contain RPC-013 will be pursued.*
I think that, given this anomaly is only contained because it wants to, it should be Omega or at least Gamma
Description:
RPC-013 is an extradimensional humanoid entity of Greek descent, measuring 1.8 m in height and identifies itself as the Goddess Atë. (Atë, Até or Aite (/ˈeɪtiː/; Ancient Greek: ἄτη) is the Greek goddess of mischief, delusion, ruin, and folly.)
and identifying itslef*
As far as I know, the "Loki" you could say of greek mythology was Hermes, given that he has a more prominent role on this aspect that Ate, who is barely mentioned aside from a few poems. Also, you could really shorten the footnote instead of directly copying it from Wikipedia.
but is also characteristically mischievous
but is also characteristically mischievous,*
has frequently used its abilities for its own enjoyment,
as frequently made use of its properties for personal enjoyment,
Please don't call anomalous properties "powers" or "abilities"
also remove the coma at the end
its pursuers and even civilians
its pursuers, and even civilians
has no relation with
has no relationship with
often using its abilities
often using it*
RPC-013 often utilizes these properties in a manner similar to the "Butterfly Effect
And does so in a manner similar…*
reach catastrophic results if these effects continue to last
reach catastrophic results should this series of events continue*
they are also
it is also*
I don't think footnote 3 is really that neccesary
Addendum 013.1: Discovery Log:
disasters occurring at Crete, Greece caught Authority attention.
disasters occurring at Crete, Greece, caught Authority attention.*
After 2-3 weeks of investigation
How can they not know the exact time it took?
negative effects, plaguing other areas of Crete
remove the coma
Because of a lack of info as to what was causing the phenomenon, Echo-5 decided that the best action was to detain and contain RPC-013 in order to find out if they were the cause.
I think they would need something else aside from "this person being new" to detain them
but were forced to give chase after being spotted by the anomaly during, and it attempting to escape.
during what?
they were unable to come within a few meters due to RPC-013 using its anomalous abilities to impede the group's process of getting close to it
they were unable to come within a few meters from RPC-013 due to its anomalous properties impeding the group's process of closing in*
Addendum 013.2: Post-Discovery Log
to detain them
it*
Dr. █████: Atë? Are you referring to 'Atë' as in, the Greek Goddess Atë?
Does this doctor just know a very obscure and random greek mythology fact out of the top of his head?
With all do and respect
remove "and"
Dr. █████: If you are Atë, do you happen to know of [DATA REDACTED]?
What is this even supposed to mean
Dr. █████: So you're saying that you're the offspring between Zeus and Eris?
Does this guy have a history degree on greek mythology
Dr. █████: How do I see disaster? It's just a natural occurrence.
RPC-013: Eh, wrong!
Dr. █████: Explain.
RPC-013: Disaster is a force of nature, an energy if you will. It's not something that can just be passed off as some 'occurrence'.
So does this article just make the claim that, entropy as a whole, is just an anomalous accurance or some type of "Energy"? idk how to feel about that chief
Addendum 013.4: Post-Discovery Log:
Authority contacts, informed Henson to keep watch, and only engage if they deemed it safe.
Authority contacts informed Henson to keep watch, and only engage if they deemed it safe.*
Agent Henson: But- (Agent Henson trips before they could finish and chips a tooth.)
Was he just standing while doing this?
causing a road accident and the motorcycle rider to avoid the truck, only to drive into agent Henson.
I'm still surprised the Authority is pretty much doing nothing to stop the anomaly actively trying to harm their people, or the world around them for that matter
The anomaly is reading JoJos
I'm really just wanting to not keep reading this
Agent Henson: What does that- (RPC-013 proceeds to hug Henson.)
Agent Henson: (Begins sobbing.)
This feel really unnatural. Henson has literally no reason to like RPC-013 give she actively tried to kill him thrice, and caused him several instances of great pain, like a fucking broken teeth.
Dr. Mackenzie: Well, after a more thorough look at your capabilities, and observation of you these following years, we've deemed it unnecessary to keep you in full containment.
RPC-013: That's nice, so what in particular did you want to discuss?
Dr. Mackenzie: Working with the Authority.
"Well, we saw that not only did you cause a man to get cancer, tried to kill our people, but we allowed you to do it across several years. We instead think its a great thing and it would be nice if we became pals!"
This is bad, really bad
Final Review:
I hate it, 1/5
The characters are just, really cringy, their interactions and relationships are so unnatural it hurts. And the Authority just seems to bend the knee and kiss the feet of this anomaly to the point they might as well let her do whatever she wants.
I really don't know how you can fix this
My dwindling sanity means that I'll make a briefer crit. No line by line today.
However, the characters felt boring at best, and cringe-worthy at worst. This article is heavily character-driven and right now the character interactions are not very optimal. I found myself struggling to read this article, especially a 5k one.
I suggest reading RPC-068 for a strong and shorter character piece.
"hydration, or sleep of any form, and does not appeared to have aged since entering Authority custody." I thiiiink it should be "appear".
"they are also able 'determine' the various" —> "to determine"
"Should RPC-013 be unable to spread the gathered up negative probability in one area to other areas, the effects will generally begin to worsen, becoming more dangerous for as long as it's allowed to accumulate." I think I get what this is saying but it is a little confusing to me. Maybe could be clearer somehow.
"After 14 days of investigation, Echo-5 discovered that a neighbourhood that" get rid of that first "that".
"new resident and(From here on referred to as RPC-013)." I take it this is a WIP sentence.
"(It's unknown as to how much RPC-013 actually knows about the Authority, as it has been unwilling to digress)" consider making this a footnote
"they did exhibit knowledge on security clearances and wished to speak with an interviewer during its stay." you are alternating between "they" and "it" here, maybe elsewhere in the article too.
"although if it divulges anymore," —> "any more"
"You mean the whole with me being greek, causing chaos" is this missing a "thing" put in there? Capitalize "Greek".
"With all do respect 013, the Authority meets an assortment of entities claiming to be various mythological figures." I don't know why but I love this sentence, great flow to it.
"my own siblings, for which I am the oldest." I think "of" is a better preposition here.
"RPC-013: I spread out the energy, so that it doesn't store up and cause a calamity." This is where the article gets really clever imo. Also this one: "RPC-013: Some, but once everything sorted itself out, most of us were no longer needed and went on to pursue other hobbies."
"If RPC-013's claim is correct," imo this starts this sentence off odd because "if" is usually followed by a "then", like a "q" and a "u" but the "u" isn't here. I'd say "In case RPC-013's claim is correct," etc etc
"On 15th April 2014, RPC-013 was discovered by an Authority agent who was off-duty at the time, who remembered RPC-013 from the incident at Site-007. Agent Henson" Is that agent mentioned in the first sentence Agent Henson? Maybe just put his name in place of "an Authority agent" if so.
"Next Question." capitalization
I'd footnote "mangaka" I had to look that one up.
"After a quick research on PoI-7869," I'd remove "a quick"
"of Humans" capitalization maybe
I really like this article, I think you have a nice polish to the prose and characterization and dialogue. It all works very well. I think the tastiest part of this is how RPC-013 invites itself to be a villain but as you see it and hear it talking, you realize you can't hate it and it actually becomes really endearing. I love how the Authority tries to shoehorn this villainy in almost as if they want it to be a problem ("So you find amusement in watching people suffer?") and RPC-013 just walks out of it like it's a bad trap… very nice metaphorical mirror image of its actual containment attempts there. RPC-013 is ultimately super likable and it makes the article great. Love the ending.
I think if I could suggest an improvement, it would be to actually successfully contain RPC-013 so that it's apparent that it actually does prevent catastrophes. Then the Authority would have to wrestle with the procedural and moral gray area of keeping it contained. Also, that would technically make this a utility anomaly. I recognize that doing this would mean a pretty big restructure of the current set up of the article, so chalk that one up to being too much maybe.
5/5.
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