CONTEST ENTRY: STRESS BUDDY™ by Amazing! Co.
My entry for the Halloween 'Misfortune' contest. A simple concept that also gave me a chance to expand a bit on our obscure CSD lore. Enjoy. 😉
Gibs me dat crit.
CONTEST ENTRY: STRESS BUDDY™ by Amazing! Co.
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» CONTEST ENTRY: STRESS BUDDY™ by Amazing! Co.
Summary:
A stress ball that creates stressful situations.
This is a delight; great concept and execution. Just a "mph" or two in there when it should be km to be consistent.
I have nothing bad to say. Love the images, especially the ad, and I think you took a very clever and charming concept exactly to where it needed to go, no more and no less.
I'd be happy to have this in the 013 spot.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it.
MPH has been converted to KPH.
Right!
Grammar And Tone
RPC-013 is currently stored within a standard safety deposit box on site-007's anomalous object wing
Capitalization.
When an individual who is experiencing significant distress takes hold of RPC-013 and squeezes it
"When an individual experiencing significant distress squeezes RPC-013" seems shorter and more concise.
I also think that all uses of "the object" should be replaced by "RPC-013". Other than that, I have nothing to criticize. Nice work!
Structure and Lore
I feel that the description text's text blocks are too big. Maybe break some of the longer paragraphs into smaller paragraphs.
Also, I think it's unnecessary to cross out CSD-56321 since he's probably not dead when they wrote that CP.
One more thing; I don't think that you actually need the collapsibles. Most of the logs are short enough such that they would work without. Right now, it just looks like the article is longer than it actually is, which could scare people away from it.
Content
The idea of a stress ball that inflicts stress is genius and I am surprised that I didn't come up with this any earlier. It's traits are simply yet effective, and its creep factor works even better.
There's absolutely no sprawl, no feature that isn't later addressed, and this is a good article for this reason.
Narrative
This is the perfect Series II narrative. The focus is always on the ball and what it does to people (quite humorous, I might add) and I think this article is a short but sweet one.
I really have nothing to crit here, man. It's fucking ready.
Suggested Reading/Reference Material
Honestly? I got nothing for you here. This article is ready, 5/5.
I've implemented your suggestions into my draft. Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for the feedback. 😉
Time to keep the critboys happy.
█ - Red text to indicate advised deletion.
█ - Green text to indicate advised addition.
█ - Yellow text to indicate highlighted text to call to attention.
RPC-013 is currently stored within a standard safety deposit box on site Site-007's anomalous object wing.
Update: In lieu of recent events, RPC-013s RPC-013's object class has been upgraded updated to Gamma Red.
This particular instance has displayed two 2 anomalous properties which appear to manifest independently from each other:
[+] 📁 Access File: "Thank You" letter from Amazing! Co. [SIC THROUGHOUT]
[+] 📁 Access File: Excerpt from the Amazing! Co. Mail-Order Catalogue [SIC THROUGHOUT]
Do this or a little [Sic throughout] foreword before the file message starts.
After much extensive deliberation, MST Whiskey-7 ("Space Force") was granted permission to use RPC-███ as a means to temporarily contain RPC-013.
The retrieval team was successful in extracting RPC-013, causing the geomagnetic storm to dissipate. . Following acquisition the geomagnetic storm dissipated.
Worded in this way I think would convey what you want to convey better, assuming that the M.S.T. didn't somehow force the storm to dissipate.
At this time, RPC-013's therapeutic effects appear to be entirely beneficial and there is no evidence to suggest that excessive usage carries any negative side-effects on individuals who use it.
Is it not reasonable to assume that even slightly impulsive people would become dependent on it? It's literally the same reason shit like weed exists. I can see addiction and withdrawal effects happening non-anomalously.
If this paragraph indicates that it anomalously prevents dependency and addiction then it should be more clear about it.
Leave it to Amazing! Co. to create a stress ball that literally creates stress! Why would you bring such a dangerous object here? Keep it the HELL away from us, PLEASE.
It's… your job… to deal with dangerous objects…
In terms of being a halloween contest entry, this article has a high chance of looking lackluster and not as grandiose as other potential entries consistent with contests. I feel that people may not rank it highly for that reason, though I disagree with that being a litmus test for a winning contest entry, to each their own prerogatives.
That aside, this is a very simple concept executed very. Damn. Well. No plotholes, fun dynamic. This is a 5/5 standalone article after the edits I mentioned.
VERY helpful. I've fixed the errors and implemented changes as advised. I agree about the impulsive individuals with addictive personalities developing a dependency on the object. I went ahead and added that in there too. Thank you!
Before we start, I gotta say, a semi-TTPY format looks somehow worse than a full TTPY format. While I may not like it, go big or go home (Please please just use the normal format bro)
Containment Protocols:
lesser anomalous object
shouldn't it be "Lesser Anomalous Object"?
use RPC-013 during daily "stress relief" sessions. Should CSD-56321 expire, he is to be immediately replaced with a new CSD candidate.
If they have to use it for that, wouldn't a footnote saying "In the case of expiration, choose a CSD with anger issues" or some shit like that?
RPC-013 was last spotted in orbit over the Earth's Northeastern hemisphere.
As….
Can't you leave spaces between lines in tabs?
As for Revision IV, same as before, leave some spaces
Description:
1. RPC-013's…
Wouldn't "1-" work better, cause "1." is usually footnote stuff
Very cool description tbh, not much to say about it, although, is RPC-013 destructible? And, can the circumstances it creates make it unable for an individual to reach it? Because that would likely go against what 013 wants
Acquisition:
Very good as well, only is that maybe the bottom part of the product's image looks like it was cut short, maybe add a little bit of dead space ini t?
Incident Logs:
On the early morning of 05/19/2011, a spontaneous geomagnetic storm would cause a large scale blackout
an spontaneous*
caused a large…*
Final Review:
Goddamn nigga, this is balls to the floor amazing, 5 stars
The article has a nice idea, nice buildup, and cool logs
Can't really find anything wrong with it as well, good job chief
I appreciate the crit.
I went ahead adjusted some of the wording for clarity as well as implementing your suggestions, particularly the ones regarding spacing between text and the CSD footnote details. Good stuff.
Glad you enjoyed it. 😉
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