ignore this, axing it
EDIT: New Tale, completely rewritten
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/demonymlessrota
Thank you Gismo for helping me completely eradicate the old one.
Have at it.
ignore this, axing it
EDIT: New Tale, completely rewritten
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/demonymlessrota
Thank you Gismo for helping me completely eradicate the old one.
Have at it.
I'm not going to go fully in-depth, that would take me all night long. Instead I'm going to pick apart inconsistencies I see along the way and not really care about say grammar.
"The sniper had his own vantage point to get to." Soooo, was this J or?
This line: "Shit. J cleared his throat. No way to go unnoticed now" contradicts "Flipping through the channels further, he found it: the bedroom, Raith's body rising softly under glinting blankets." If there was no way what they had done would've been unnoticed, then how come the merc seems to be okay with the philanthropist fast asleep in bed? No need for a complete rewrite, but maybe something alluding to Raith being overconfident in his security, or a moment of surprise from J?
"The Wicker-Man sat on his rotting chair of bone in the centre of the hall, trademark hoplite guards with ghostly spears made of lasered light lined about him as if a grove of birches about a boulder. The familiar blackened wicker-basket that covered all of his features gleamed darkly in the dim light that seeped in from the grates at the top of the old domed room."
Maybe, dont go for the whole "legion of doom" vibe? It's a bit of a stretch. Like, a chair made of bone? Hows it connected, is it even anomalous?
"Somehow, he was connected to the Wicker-Man’s past. Somehow, he’d managed to mean something of such a degree to the dying mercenary to deserve the attention of the Sons of Wine. Whatever this was, what he owned, it would fix all ailments. A secret weapon, one that could revolutionise their efficiency, their prowess as a group" I don't mind this, but try not to make it too overpowered. If you're going to make it a SCP 500 (panacea) then at the very least have some ironic twist of fate to it, like it will keep the wicker man alive but his flesh will become as brittle as a basket, idk. Just equal out the cost with the benefits.
“I caught ‘im unawares. He spilled a bit. Turns out he’s the only one who can control the… thing he’s unleashed.” He Spilled a Bit should be italicized unless he's actually saying that, which doesn't make much sense.
I didn't find much I had issue with, overall however the tale actually improved as the story went on. I'm not much of a literary expert, but the beginning was a bit of a slog. But as I progressed further into the story it became much easier to read through, not sure how to fix this or if it's just a me reading at 1 in the morning reason. But thats that.
I wanna give it a 5, but The Sons of Wine as a group just seem far too, outlandish? Powerful? For a minor group within Demonymless, they are mercenaries not the legion of doom. J (although from the line "A man clothed all in black but for the red tattoos that crossed his face nodded with a knowing smirk" he's definitely an edgelord) and Mellow I had no problems with, it's mostly the Wicker Man that gets on me about this. Like, a chair made of bones, a rotten, decayed face? It's a bit much. You don't have to scrap the character or anything, just tone it down. Maybe a burn victim, that has a voice modifier hooked up to a respirator for his damaged lungs?
tl;dr the beginning was a bit slow but it picked up pretty quickly, 4/5. Good for uploading
with.. Them.
older, than Aggie’d seen her last.
Long hair now cut short, her face was now half replaced by old cybernetics
that damn group who seemed to give a damn
The only one who helped protect her (…). The only one who’d helped her
“Everyone has a choice."
"You chose mine for me."
Miss Mellow toyed the dagger between her fingers
The man - J - snorted
Miss Mellow straightened her garb, rich fibers Establishment-bartered glistening as if made of steel.
Miss Mellow smiled her crocodile smile, now.
Her hand silenced Aggie as it crept ever closer to the girl’s face,
darkness.She felt the lheat of the fiery dagger
chuckling something about it being a 'good joke'
"You're a- teleporter?" She raised an eyebrow.
started to go-" he twirled his index finger round his head
Oh, how she knew that. She'd only been in the game for years, anyway.
Being raised more a weapon
had she leaving when she did really… driven him mad?
She got Aggie out, even if it was to… them.
than anyone healthy.
her dagger was taken, its blue point carelessly sprawled on the other side of the room.
"Well, it's- it's mine, ok?" she exclaimed, voice defensive. "You don't have to be a butt 'bout it."
She stared hard down at the group below he
It's not good.
The characters don't have good interactions with one another, primarily because the aren't fleshed out. Their actions don't seem to be the product of their personalities, motivations or emotions, but just something that would let the plot advance or attempt to get some sort of response from the reader. The characters just feel like stand-ins and cardboard cutouts, with what happens to them cliches that are there for the sake of them being there.
The various dramatic pauses, vague comments and avoidance of themes are used so much that when the "reveal" comes, it doesn't feel satisfactory, more relieving that the story finally got to that point.
█ - Red text to indicate advised omission.
█ - Green text to indicate advised addition.
█ - Yellow text to indicate highlighted text to call to attention.
both
She felt It pulse in her bag.
Deep breaths. Deep Breaths.
and
Aggie bit her lip. Deep Breaths, deep breaths.
Miscapitalizations.
He didn’t know about how much better it was than… before.
Ellipsis seems a bit too cheesy here, consider dropping it.
She’d been the only one in that damned group who seemed to give a damn about her.
you use damn twice and it reads awkwardly. I suggest "who seemed to give a shit about her"
A grizzled man half adorned half-adorned in lizard-skin blotted out the light
the dagger’s light swinging this way and that in the darkness.She darkness. She felt the lheat heat of the fiery
She shook her head.That head. That was not why she was there.
She reached out toe grab the boy;
And finally,
"Aggie?"
"I don't know."
.
.
"I killed people."
"You were good, kid."
"You're only 3 years older than me. Stop calling me kid."
.
.
.
"Shut up."
use instead of periods for new lines.
Phenomenal tale. Characteristically all over the place, which isn't a criticism because you executed it very well.
Aggie's character arc with Moony demonstrating her core values really breathes -
Aaaaaand you just redid the whole thing in between me posting this crit. Shit. I spent too long on this post so I'm just going to publish this anyway and post another updated one.
Ver 2.0, let's go
bathed in the half-light of moon.
half chipped away by old use.
all the entire street was clothed in darkness.
a shadowed part of the street beneath
jut out of the ground
Radio noises, boots, flashlight
a system of wires and pipes, buttons
climbed old ladders
At least the tech I brought worked.
half-cybernetic face
- concern? passed
It was also where the damn passage
he slowed.
again, again.,"
The proud man always made promises he couldn’t keep
Miss Mellow’s wet eyes
This is who the Mask wants to lead us?
All in all, it's a great tale, and a massive improvement from the first version. The characters feels fleshed out, the schemes and plotting flow great, the action is gorey, pulpy and great.
5/5, and probably one of my personal favorites now.