RPC-013 "The Broken Despot"
Another fucking OI article???? Damn right baby, and its a long one
RPC-013 "The Broken Despot"
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» RPC-013 "The Broken Despot"
(account deleted)already critted this on discord
it's a solid 4, nothing too great and the ending's still a bit weak, despite the removal of the lullaby. It's a shame we never got to see more of 013-1, but 013 himself is interesting enough to carry the article. overall a good RPC and lore piece.
~Baubi
Caused by extended periods of solitary isolation without substance. Weighing 40 pounds at the time of writing.
Change to metric. He would be 18 Kilos
seemingly being able to perceive the thoughts of all sapient beings in a non linear spectrum of time
What are the extent of his ability to percieve thoughts? A day in the future? A minute?
While disposable, it is in our best interest that as many subjects manage to reach the last stage of the experiment season.
This sentence could use a rewrite. Doesn't sound right when spoken out loud. Try this "While the subjects are disposable, it is in our best interests to keep as many of them alive as possible"
All subjects but from experienced sever
All subjects but one from
DA333 began whipping
I have never heard of body whipping before. Elaborate on it or use something else
Agreeing with baub here. Weak ending and a lack of 013-1 are this articles pitfalls. Everything else remains strong though so 3/5
appeared to reflect most of direct light
Most direct light
into the concrete
In the concrete
incounious
Unconscious
After being send
Sent. Also this is a run on sentence. Put a period after passed to break it up
This is a better ending. Definitely weird and lets the reader determine what the black cube was.
SURPRISE FUCKO
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO CRIT IT TOMORROW?
THINK AGAIN.
okay so, i'm not like a massive grammar or lore guy and more like a standard reader and after reading the article 2 times i think i now understood what -2 is.
-2 is the collective thoughts of all of humanity concentrated into a single entity who wants to be left dead or disappear but thanks to XXX it cant becuase of his omnipresence.
the omega iota part was understandable given their part of creating apotheosis on all humans and this article proves how difficult it is, i also liked the relationship between the past and present researchers with the similar surnames.
i didn't got a chance to read the original ending but this one is very solid, not that disappointing but i wanted to see more of -2 and understand it more; what was its purpose and why is with XXX at all times. Is it like a shadow of God itself?
overall ill give this article a +5 when it reaches mainlist. very good anomaly and very good story.
RPC-013 is to be suited at all times in wool-packed clothing as to prevent harm to itself.
Suggest Change: RPC-013 is to be suited in wool-packed at all times clothing…
No personnel is allowed to speak or interact directly with RPC-013 without direct approval from the committee of Global Directors on the basis of high informational leakage risk.
It's the first time there the GDs are referred to as "the committee of Global Directors". It should have been either "the Board" or "the Directorate".
…informational leakage risk.1Site-033's Director is to…
Footnote 1 needs spacing
Site-033's Director is to interview RPC-013 once every week for a better understanding of the "December Incident.”
Suggest Change: RPC-013 is to be interviewed weekly for a better understanding of the "December Incident.
While I understand why Director Benedict was assigned to RPC-013 later on, the way you worded it (Site-033's Director) seems to imply that the research of RPC-013 would be continued on by future Directors. In which case why would a Site Director be in charge of researching an RPC, which is also shown to be capable of putting others in great harm( which risks the life of a personnel in charge with managing a Site), it wasn't as if other people can't do it(for security reasons and what not) as the article did show quite a number of personnel to know of RPC-013 or that Site-033 is a small Site (Implied not to be the case in the article and the fact that it wasn't an OL-Site).
severe structural damage of Site-033
damage to Site-033
being forcibly conscripted during the Eastern-Front War
Never was WW2 called the "Eastern-Front War," especially since it could also be used to refer to WW1. "The Great Patriotic War" could be used but it was a very Russian term
Suggest Change: being forcibly conscripted to the Eastern Front during World War 2.
[In regards to 013's age:]
Two numbers are given in the article: 140(Born in 1880), 138(Born in 1882, which would also be the most likely age, being recorded from OI). He was most likely captured at around 1941-2, which would put his age at that time to be at around 60 during his military service, which wouldn't make sense given that Soviet conscription age at that time only goes all the way to 30, which then contradicts the fact that he should be 38 when he was being experimented on (and retain the same age since then). This implied that his age is reverted but the experiments never seems to suggest that to have happened. Even if those 2 numbers were estimates it still doesn't make sense for OI to make a 20-year error in the estimation given their knowledge of DA-333
inability to differentiate between past, present, or future tense at the time of communicating.
inability to differentiate between past, present, or future tense when communicating
It is to be noted that RPC-013 does not seem to be capable of being terminated by it's own injuries or external forces
its
This experiment, however, was considered to be a failure,
"The experiment" or "These experiments"
with RPC-013 as it's sole survivor.
its
Amongst it's anomalous properties
its
in a non linear spectrum of time
"nonlinear" or "non-linear"
Due to the threat of classified information leakage, RPC-013 has been classified as a Black-Type anomaly, only accessible to Level-4 or higher personnel.
"Black" isn't a Type, it's a Rating
Suggest Change: Black-Rated
However, never was an anomaly rated a LETHALITY Level based on it being an information leakage, RPC-049 similarly possessed great risk to sensitive info and is still rated White. Regardless, the Lethality rating of an anomaly shouldn't be the sole factor in determining the security level of the document. Even if it was rated White it can still be restricted to Level 5 clearance if Administration determines so.
As of present date,
As of present date
As of present date, the files brought on by RPC-013 during initial discovery have been decrypted, revealing sensitive information regarding the "December Incident."
…regarding the "December Incident".
I don't think 013 ever mentioned the "December Incident" (assuming this is referring to what happened in 1942) and Authority should only have known it after going through the OI documents which the sentence doesn't seem to suggest so.
Different methods, such as the prevention of extended conversation about the anomaly seem to hinder the ability for RPC-013-1 to manifest into a certain area.
This is the only mentioned method (?)
DA333 is around 138 years olds
138 years old
DA333's only redeeming qualities are the ability for omniscience
Suggest Change: DA333's only redeeming qualities are its omniscience
…omniscience,7, and…
Extra comma in Footnote 7
DA333's omniscience presents itself in the ability to hear every human thought from the present, past, and future at the same time without overlapping.
Suggest Change: DA333's omniscience presents itself in the ability to hear and understand every human thought from the present, past, and future concurrently.
forty one
forty-one
We expect utmost secrecy
the utmost
During the procedure, 5 subjects expired due to multiple brain hemorrhages, 3 subjects experienced swelling of the temporal lobe as an attempt to store and process the information, but expired due to severe cerebral edema, 10 subjects survived the test but were left in a comatose state and were subsequently terminated.
41 subjects, 18 died, 23 22 survived?
with several subjects being able to control the movement of eachother weeks after the test concluded.
each other
Several torture machines owned by the hospital as well as simple mechanism such as guns and knifes will be implemented into this test.
mechanisms
knives
5 were immediately killed by the contractions utilized
contraptions
but we're left with severe physical deformities, and deemed to proceed with testing.
do you meant to say the opposite?
Change: and deemed to unsuitable for further testings.
1 individual turned into a liquid during a test
Suggest Change: a liquid
was considered for to continue.
was considered suitable to continue.
50ml of AES-892-112 will be injected directly into the subjects brain
subjects' brains
All subjects but from experienced severe seizures and internal brain hemorrhage after being injected.
All subjects but one experienced severe seizures and internal brain hemorrhage after injection.
The remaining subject was retrieved from the water after 10 minutes of submission
submersion
After being removed of it's helmet,
its
Subject #033 began screaming the locked room card's contents for 2 minutes
How does he know to look for the contents of the room when he doesn't even know where or what to look for. Neither did the personnel intend to ask him to do so, so he shouldn't have known.
Howard Hummel, is to come alongside with the subject
alongside with ("alongside" already meant "with")
an universal translator
a universal translator
This was only but a stepback
setback
I still have many theories that could get us closer to the dream, psychoanalysis, drugs, lobotomy
to the dream:
Third instance DA333 has been removed from solitary confinement since Incident 09/12/1942
Assuming Interrogation #011 and these 3 sessions are the only recordings since 09/12/1942, that wou;d still makes it the forth instance. Possible typo of "1950"
I will administer a non-lethal dose of electricity though its spin-
through
A black sphere is seen suddenly manifesting on the middle of the interrogation room
in
has become a top priority target
top-priority
only to raise once again after 5 seconds
rise
On September the 3rd, 2021
013 was apprehended on September, while those interview with him in captivity took place in March and May of the same year? This and the fact that the day of his capture is only 9 days away from 12th September, and that the first interview took place 9th March, suggest that this is another typo.
It seems this folks couldn't keep their part of their deal
these folks
You can speak to me..
You can speak to me.
(Remove extra period)
And now you are saying that a day just simply stop existing?
stopped
I… I think it will be best to let the technicians keep looking around on the files you gave us.
at
alongside the seat deadline
set
all conversations pertaining RPC-013-1
pertaining to
alleviate it's constant sensory overload
its
the best we can do is come up with plan for whatever
a plan
a small, black sphere manifests on the middle of the room at approximately 1.5m above the floor.
in
After being send to a medical unit
sent
Bad math
There goes the broken despot, I honestly expected to have way less things to say seeing as you've been constantly getting feedback from Almarduk. The implication of days vanishing is hard to grasp, because it implies that the 1960 timesquare incident is one of those dates which meant that everyone should've forgot what happened, but they clearly still do, which was said to be the usage of mass amnestics (iirc), not to mention that would also means the "void presence" decided to show up for timesquare for reasons unknown. But as for the 2021 epic, guess I'll have to wait and see.
Thanks for the crit boss, as for your questions:
1- December the 12th was the first thing mentioned by RPC-013 when it was captured by the Authority, as for your question about the December Incident
2- The reason for him screaming the card's contents is because thats what everyone was thinking about around him and he was at the time just screaming what they were thinking for him o say.
Also, I WILL fix my bad math :))
No personnel is allowed to speak or interact directly with RPC-013
"Personnel are not allowed to"
are to have full access to this, or any other documents regarding RPC-013-1.
"are to have full access to any documents regarding RPC-013-1, including this file."
RPC-013 suffers from several mental and physiological health conditions such as: blindness, severe malnutrition,4 dissociative identity disorder
Remove the :
Amongst its anomalous properties, RPC-013 has shown an advanced degree of psychotronic abilities,
"has displayed an advanced psychotronic abilities."
RPC-013-1 is the designation given to an unknown info-hazardous entity existing
"Unknown" means that it is not known, but 013-1 is clearly known by the Authority.
[+] Attached Document - 04/06/1942
[+] Attached Document - 04/06/1942
these are both dated 04/06 (which is my birthday btw), but the first is from 03/06
several modes will be inserted
nodes
Resiliance subtest machine.
ResiliEnce, not resiliAnce
but we're left with
were
locked room card's
locked room cards'
As per request of the High Ministry, Dr. Cassandra Meyers has been removed from her position as primary researcher/interrogator for DA333, as well as terminated from operating for Omega Iota due to a lack of success and progress during the past 2 years of testing. This decision is final.
How about you use the OI white background div for these interviews to differentiate them better from Authority ones?
You already ran towards my office last week RPC-013
comma before proper name and period before
"last week, RPC-013."
nitpick: calling him "Arr-Pee-See-Oh-Thirteen" every single time feels a little weird. How about using only Oh-Thirteen (013) instead?
Other than that — Neat article! I can't think of really any way to improve or add to it. 4/5.
Right!
Grammar And Tone
Due to my time constraints, I will gloss over this. I'm also assuming the grammar errors by 013 are intentional.
It is to be noted that RPC-013 does not seem to be capable of being terminated by its own injuries or external forces
I'd ditch that.
The anomalous properties of RPC-013 are documented to have been caused by a series of experiments
I'd ditch that too.
The purpose of these experiments was the creation of an advanced form of life by the use of primitive methods of anomalous genetic modification on several POWs.
That's a lot of ofs. How about "The purpose of these experiments was to create an advanced form of life via primitive anomalous genetic modifications. (POW doesn't need to be mentioned here since it will be mentioned heavily later)
RPC-013-1 appears to be actively trying to terminate RPC-013
I'd switch to "attempt".
Not much to say here really. Decent work but there are people who have the time for a line by line.
Structure and Lore
Firstly, the giant blocks of text at the beginning should probably be broken up into a few paragraphs as it's a bit hard to read atm.
Secondly, the documents are like a flashbang and I suggest switching to a darker color, like grey.
Thirdly, I suggest adding a textbox explaining what Omega Iota is to the reader, like what 068 does. Because to an extent, reading this article doesn't fully tell us who OI is. (That's fine, 068 also doesn't full tell us what the RCPA is without the textbox)
Finally, I suggest using the 24 hour clock and other metric formats.
Content
While the idea of a near-omnipotent being isn't the most original, it fits in with OI's themes and it's characteristics serve the article well. The inclusion of 013-1 is also an excellent idea. I think this is the perfect use of an otherwise cliched idea done such that it never feels cliche.
I will however protest it's inclusion with 1940s Germany; we already have the RCPA balls deep in an alternate version of 1940s Germany, we don't need another GoI for that. Alternative suggestions include MI13.
Also, what is the deal with 013-1 and Omega Iota? The characteristics of OI aren't showed here, either through the experiments (conducted by GARD, not OI) or 013's discussions with the Authority. I suggest adding more of OI's relevancy here. Maybe have it be them instead of GARD experimenting. Show their desire for a perfect being even more.
Narrative
While this article felt slow at times (The GARD documents), the premise of an omnipresent guy being hunted by another thing is interesting enough for me to keep reading. I think the June 3rd and 4th documents should be merged and shortened.
This article is strong in most aspects except for OI itself, which seems to be mentioned and interviews 013 but that's it. It's not enough. I suggest adding some material where 013 actually talks about how he feels about OI, or have the OI slightly interact with the Authority. This is optional since you already have a good structure in place and I don't want to ruin it.
I suppose ultimately, what happened in the article is not gamechanging, but a good enough first dip into Omega Iota. It's good for what it's worth and though I see ways to make this article a better GoI article (068 and 749), those ideas would need an overhaul of this article to the point where it ceases to be your article.
Suggested Reading/Reference Material
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-068
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-749
Considered the perfect GoI entry articles. 068 features an interesting character very affected by the RCPA and while the RCPA isn't that directly prominent, it raises enough questions to make one interested in the RCPA. 749 features the RCPA engaging with the Authority in a very active way, showing it's characteristics and lore in the process.
I'm not saying you should scrap your article and make clones of these, I'm just saying this is what I think a 5-star GoI article looks like. Yours is more than adequate, something I would 4 easily.
Good luck Tarb!
Recrit:
While not much has changed, I have noticed minor touchups in terms of grammar. I'm also glad you explained the point of OI. A good step in the right direction.
This article would make a lot of sense as a Black Site article under the Memotics Department. Sorry! I had to shill Black Site! It's my job! You even bring up Memotics at the end briefly. The omniscience could be related to the infoplane. Some kind of memotic cloner that duplicates every single vector in the plane into its own ground. Completely unknown how it does that without information travelling faster than the speed of light.
The draft starts off very full of awkward sentences and grammar errors, but gets better as it goes on. I tried to point out every thing I could find as thanks for the crit on Ends of the Earth.
RPC-013 is to be delivered food twice a day by a conveyor belt connected to the cell's east wall in an attempt to improve its general physique.
This is confusing. Why would using a conveyor belt have anything to do with his physique? Humans need food to live and the reader doesn't know yet that RPC-013 doesn't, so it's not like giving him food in general appears like an attempt to fix his malnourishment. I would remove "in an attempt to improve its general physique" completely.
Personnel are not allowed to speak or interact directly with RPC-013 without direct approval from the Board of Global Directors on the basis of high informational leakage risk alongside the of activation from RPC-013-1.
This sentence is clunky and grammatically incorrect. It also seems weird that the whole Directorate would need to give approval. Suggested rewrite:
Any direct interactions with RPC-013 are not permitted unless explicitly approved by the Site-033 Director. Unscripted interactions and communications with RPC-013 pose high risk of informational leakage and the activation of RPC-013-1.
Due to the anomalous properties of RPC-013-1, no more than 5 personnel at a time are to have full access to any documents regarding RPC-013-1, including this file.
You don't need to state that it's due to the anomalous properties since that's obvious and not critical to enforcing this bit of containment protocols. Suggested rewrite:
No more than five personnel are to have full access to all RPC-013-1 documentation at one time.
Interviews about RPC-013-1 are to last no more than 15 minutes.
"Interviews" is a bad word to use. It should say "Discussions between personnel regarding RPC-013-1 are to last no more than 15 minutes."
Alongside this, when reviewing information about RPC-013-1, personnel are to take 5 minute breaks every 500 words as to prevent detection from the anomaly. Failure to do so could result in a breach of containment or severe structural damage to Site-033.
Suggested rewrite:
To limit potential activation of anomalous effects and subsequent containment breaches or severe structural damage to Site-033, personnel reviewing RPC-013-1 documentation must take a 5 minute break every 500 words.
No further security measures are required, as RPC-013 spends most of its time standing still in the middle of its cell or aimlessly wandering around it. Should this behaviour change, personnel are to immediately notify Site-033's Director.
I think this should be removed. It boils down to "if RPC-013 becomes erratic or starts trying to break out, notify the director." which is so obvious it doesn't need to be said. If you just want to tell the reader that he doesn't do much, I would move it to the description.
Only known picture of Vsevolod Baranov. Taken during his time in German POW camps.
I think this image caption could be a bit better. Suggested rewrite:
The only known photograph of RPC-013; taken during its time in German POW camps
RPC-013 is a human male of Russian descent, presumed to have been alive since 19222 and going by the name of Vsevolod Baranov.3
Suggested rewrite:
RPC-013 is a human male of Russian descent, born in 1922 and named Vsevolod Beranov.
2. With an estimated age of 112 years, having ceased to physically age at 32
It seems like they know his birth date so I don't see why his age would need to be estimated. Suggested rewrite:
2. RPC-013 is 112 years old at present. Its physical aging halted at age 32.
4. Caused by extended periods of solitary isolation without substance. Weighing; RPC-013 weighs 40 pounds at the time of writing.
an inability to differentiate between past, present, or and future events when communicating.
RPC-013 does not seem to be capable of being terminated by its own injuries or external forces, with lethal force only temporarily incapacitating it.
Suggested rewrite:
RPC-013 seems incapable of being terminated by any injury. What would be lethal force against any human only incapacitates RPC-013.
The anomalous properties of RPC-013 are documented to have been caused by a series of experiments conducted in Germany during WW2 by GoI "Omega Iota."5
Suggested rewrite:
Acquired WW2 documents describe a series of anomalous experiments conducted on RPC-013 and others in Germany by Group of Interest "Omega Iota."5
5. A conglomerate of shell organizations, both anomalous and otherwise some anomalous, under control by an anomalous elite referred to as "The High Ministry," specializing in population control efforts and the supernatural bio-engineering of human beings alongside population control.
The purpose of these experiments was to create an advanced form of life via primitive anomalous genetic modifications. The experiment, however, was considered to be a failure, with RPC-013 as its sole survivor.
Suggested rewrite:
These experiments attempted but failed to produce an elevated form of human life via primitive anomalous genetic modifications; all test subjects except RPC-013 expired.
Amongst its anomalous properties ##0f0|In addition to its , RPC-013 has displayed an advanced degree of psychotronic abilities, seemingly being able to perceive the thoughts and memories of all sapient beings in a non-linear spectrum of time, the extent of which is unknown.
6. Due to the threat of classified information leakage, all information regarding this anomaly relating to and acquired through RPC-013 has is restricted to Level-5 personnel only.
Level-5 is pretty silly here. I would give it a specialty clearance. "restricted to clearance level 013/0004 and greater personnel only" for example.
Alongside this, RPC-013 is theorized to be capable of manipulating matter around its near vicinity, as well as secondary tychokinetic side-effects as a result.7
Suggested rewrite:RPC-013 may possess a level of telepathic manipulation of nearby matter and secondary tychokinetic effects as a result.7
7. This, however, has only been seen performed observed once, and the criteria cause for its occurrence is unknown.
As of present date, the files brought on by RPC-013 during initial discovery have been decrypted, revealing sensitive information regarding the "December Incident."
I would repeat the actual date here rather than "present date". It would feel more natural.
The information in question is an anomaly now referred to as RPC-013-1.
RPC-013-1 is the designation given to an info-hazardous entity existing at an unknown point of time that has become aware of the existence and properties of RPC-013 during its captivity by Omega Iota.
Suggested rewrite:
The information in question is itself an anomaly, hereby referred to as RPC-013-1, manifesting as an info-hazard entity and existing at an unknown point in time. RPC-013-1 had become aware of the existence and properties of RPC-013 during its captivity by Omega Iota.
From all gathered information, RPC-013-1 appears to be actively attempting to terminate RPC-013 with an array of different methods, the primary of which is the manipulation of reality around RPC-013 in order to non-physically terminate it. Different security mesures, such as the prevention of extended conversation about the anomaly, use of amnestics, or high coherency areas seem to hinder the ability for RPC-013-1 to manifest.
You misspelled "measures" as "mesures" but I'm going to suggest a full rewrite as well.
Based on all gathered information, RPC-013-1 is actively attempting to terminate RPC-013 through an array of different methods, primarily through manipulation of reality surrounding RPC-013 by means other than physical, blunt-force damage. Limiting conversation about the anomaly, use of amnestics, and working within high-coherency spaces are able to reduce RPC-013-1's ability to manifest.
Guard's blast shadow visible after the first recorded attack from RPC-013-1.
"Guard" is very vague. Is this an Authority guard or is this an OI guard from way back?
I'd change this caption to: "An Omega Iota guard's blast shadow, visible after the first recorded attack from RPC-013-1"
For more information regarding this entity, proceed to the latest added addendum.
I would just remove this. It's kind of pointless and might confuse the reader since there isn't any section actually called "addendum".
For the box thing on the right side of the first DA333 document, the padding and margin are really small. Set the padding to 2% and set the margin to 3%. Right now they are both 1% and it looks very cramped.
DA333 on it's sensory deprivation suit. (1942)
Change to: "DA333 within its sensory deprivation suit (1942)"
DA333 is a blind caucasian male of Russian ethnicity, measuring 6'3'' feet in height.
As of 11/10/2020, DA333 is around 110 years olds and weighs 50lbs.
Change to "As of 11/10/2020, DA333 is around 110 years old and weighs 50 lbs."
DA333 is the only surviving test subject from the Neosapient experiments performed between 1940 and 1950 in collaboration with GARD/DAFA. Despite his survival, the experiment has been considered a failure due to the physical and mental disabilities caused as a consequence of rough transitioning and constant sensory overload. DA333's only redeeming qualities are its omniscience,8 and an incapability to be terminated by any currently known means.9 DA333 also possesses several minor aspects from both omnipresence and omnipotence, the scope of which is not noteworthy enough for this document.
This paragraph is a bit long and is mostly repeated information, so you should try to keep it as brief as possible so that the reader doesn't skip over the important new details. Suggested rewrite:
DA333 is the sole surviving test subject of the 1940-1950 Neosapient experiments performed in collaboration with DAFA. The Neosapient aspects of omniscience and invulnerability9 were successfully implemented within DA333, however, DA333's physical and mental deteriorations precipitate the experiments to be a failure.
Note that I removed the footnote for omniscience but not the footnote for invulnerability. The invulnerability footnote is good as-is.
It should be noted that despite this, DA333 is ultrasensitive to physical stimuli, and can still feel pain.
Unlike the desired Neosapient outcome, DA333's omniscience presents itself in as the ability to hear and understand comprehend every human thought from the present, past, and future simultaneously. This has caused Consequently, DA333 to developed acute mental damage, manifesting as dissociation, several personality disorders, stress, agoraphobia, anxiety, and PTSD, among others, speech impediments, and an inability to think coherently. as well as rendering him incapable of coherent thinking alongside speech impediments.
DA333 may possess more unknown abnormalities, but its refusal to engage verbally makes assessment difficult.
Change "more unknown" to "additional".
DA333 does not require any type of sustenance and as such, can be left unattended for extended periods of time.
Add a comma after "and".
When outside of containment, DA333 is required to wear a sensory deprivation suit at all times when outside of containment as to prevent unnecessary interruptions during interviews or testing due to pain.
Should DA333 attempt to harm any personnel or escape its cell, lethal force is allowed to be used alongside punishment consisting of extended periods of confinement.10
10. Ranging from five months to several years.
"Lethal" means the force would kill him, which obviously isn't true. So use a different word or give actual examples of how they should incapacitate him. I would also get rid of the footnote. Make it normal text.
If you are reading this, that means y You and several other researchers have been assigned to the "Advanced Evolution Experiment #124" and should shortly receive a GARD shipment of test subjects for it, alongside several AES-89210 recipients.
Suggestion: get rid of the quotes, make "Experiment" uncapitalized, and make that whole bit in italics.
10. "Accelerated Evolution Serum": A substance believed to be used on in the process by which Group of Interest the Church of Malthus genetically enhances its soldiers.
Dr. Bernhart Kändler performing the experiment on Subject #031.
Remove the period since it's not a full sentence.
This will continue until the subjects start begin experiencing sensory overload and severe pain in the jaw and temples, at which point 20mls of AES-892-11211 will be injected into the subject's bloodstream subjects' bloodstreams, kickstarting initiating an "Adapt or Die" response.
In the end, The remaining 22 subjects were able to develop the ability to split fragment their consciousness into between several places or entities, with several subjects being able to control the movement of each other weeks after the test concluded.. Several subjects retained the ability to control basic limb movements in the other subjects for up to three weeks following the experiment.
Resilience subtest machine.
Remove period.
Subjects are to be placed into several lethal environments after being injected with 30mls of AES-892-112.
The purpose of these experiments is to create situations in which the only way for the subject to survive is to become immune to external damage.
Change "these experiments" to "this experiment".
6 subjects were able to survive the test, but were left with severe physical deformities, and deemed too unsuitable for further testing.
Subject #033 on the last stage of the experiment
Change "on" to "during".
After this, 50ml of AES-892-112 will be injected directly into the subject's brain subjects' brains.
How exactly is the serem being injected into their brains when they are in the suits? Is there some kind of injector attached to their skull? You should state that. I think it would be interesting.
All subjects but for one experienced severe seizures and internal brain hemorrhage after being injected.
You are switching between using actual numbers (5, 2, 1, etc.) and word numbers (five, two, one, etc.) when referring to the test subjects a lot. I would stick to word numbers for anything lower than about 14, and use actual numbers for about 14 and higher.
The remaining subject was retrieved from the water after 10 minutes of submersion under the presumption it had also been terminated.
I would just remove "under the presumption it had also been terminated". It's unneeded and doesn't make much sense.
Despite the appearance of success, the subject did not stop being agitated after being sent to recovery.
Suggested rewrite:
Despite the experiment's success, the subject was sent to recovery but did not cease its agitated state.
The main theory is that while succeeding to achieve the test's goal, the subject also suffered severe brain damage, making him unable to communicate properly or use its abilities to their fullest extent.
I think this sentence is a little wonky. I'd rewrite it to this:
The subject likely suffered severe brain damage, resulting in an inability to communicate properly or use its abilities to their fullest extent.
It is with utmost shame that we must now call an end to this experiment due to an utter failure to meet expectations, having used more than 40 test subjects to end up with a single mentally impaired individual as a result.
The remaining subject is to be sent to the location agreed upon in the previous filed for extensive study and interrogation.
The head of this research, Howard Hummel, is to come alongside the subject for termination under the reason of grave misuse of assets and a breach in our trust for the success of this experiment.
All those who do not comply will meet the same fate.
You have been warned.
This whole note is really weird. The first two experiments were successful and they made unbelievable progress with DA333. It's obvious that they might be able to get it right with more test subjects. It's super overkill that they would think it's this much of a failure and to terminate the head of research. Come up with a better reason for OI ending the testing than "we're mad because we're angry." If it's important to the story that the Germans get a harsh punishment from the High Ministry, then come up with a better justification. Maybe the Germans botched the tests somehow, by accident, and the Ministry is pissed off that the tests could have been successful if they hadn't fucked it up.
Foreword: First interrogative Interview of DA333 after the termination of Neosapient experiments.
This isn't a full sentence so I would remove the period to keep it consistent with the other bolded text things.
T-They are not gone. We are not gone. We can feel we, still somewhere
Missing period.
This isn't going anywhere, take him to his cell until he is willing to cooperate.
This is a run-on.
It will end up talking, one way or another
Missing period.
<Begin Log,>
Random comma here.
[DA333 lunges at Dr. Meyer and starts beating her with its head while speaking.
Missing square bracket at the end.
Security enter the interrogation room and restrain DA333, subsequently carrying him to solitary isolation.
There should be square brackets around this. Also, change "him" to "it".
This was only but a setback, I’m slowly getting myself in the entity’s head, I just need more time.
Triple run-on.
<Begin Log,>
Another weird comma.
[DA333 remains unresponsive]
Missing period.
W-Who is the entity you are referring about?
Change "about" to "to".
[A black sphere is seen suddenly manifesting in the middle of the interrogation room before exploding, cutting all audio and video feed.
Missing bracket.
Dr. Isabella Meyers has passed away during this incident, as for the cause of the explosion; it is not certain whatever it was caused by DA333 itself of the entity it spoke about.
Run-on and improper use of a semicolon. Change the comma to a semicolon and change the semicolon to a regular colon. Also, "passed away" isn't very clinical.
On the 9th of March, 2021, an unidentified nude individual carrying what appeared to be a file and several hard drives on in its hands was seen sprinting towards the near vicinity of Site-033.
Despite multiple warnings, said individual never ceased until fired upon after entering in a 30m radius from the Site's entrance.
This reads weirdly. I'd change it to:The individual entered within a 30m radius of the Site's entrance. The man was warned several times to halt but did not cease until fired upon.
After being shot 5 times in the chest the individual fell to the ground, presumably dead, only to rise once again after 5 seconds, where it was fired upon a second time, only to attempt to run again.
When trying to fire at the entity for a third time, all magazines from ASF personnel suddenly jammed, allowing for the individual to reach the entrance door of Site-033, which it was able to open without any type of pass card or clearance.
Suggested rewrite:
After being shot 5 times in the chest, the individual fell to the ground, presumed dead, then rose once again after 5 seconds. This repeated a second time. At this point, all magazines within ASF armaments jammed, allowing the individual to reach the entrance door to Site-033. The door opened despite no pass card or clearance being entered.
After accessing the Site, the individual began to sprint towards Site Director Elliott Benedict's office before being physically apprehended by on-site security. After temporary containment and classification, an interview was held to determine the origin and motivation of the individual.
Suggested rewrite:
The individual proceeded to sprint toward Site Director Elliot benedict's office, but was successfully apprehended by on-site security. After temporary containment, an interview was held to determine the individual's origin and motive.
Interviewer: Dr. Elliott Benedict.
Get rid of the period.
Foreword: RPC-013 had to be placed in a straitjacket after attempting to bite and scratch ASF personnel.
"scratch" is a pretty light word. I would change it to something like "lash at" or "claw".
For this interview, it seems very weird that the Site Director would interview someone so dangerous. Maybe add a bit saying that the interview didn't take place until the subject was deemed safe to communicate with through an adequate barrier.
Malthus? GEAR?
This feels really cheesy. I would remove it. The demonymless reference is subtle enough not to be cheesy.
It's gonna be a lot easier if you start talking now.
"gonna" feels nonclinical, even for dialogue. I would change it to "going to".
It seems these folks couldn't keep their part of their deal, so why should I?
I would change "their" to "the".
[RPC-013 proceeds to bang his forehead against the interview table while repeating the last sentence]
Missing period.
And I sure as hell didn't like the fact he referred to the whole day needing to not exist.
Interviewer: Dr. Elliott Benedict.
Remove the period.
Foreword: Following the decryption of the files brought on by RPC-013, an interview was conducted to discuss the nature of RPC-013-1
This is a full sentence so it should have a period.
[RPC-013 remains silent]
Missing period.
Intercom: Dr. Benedict, please refuse yourself from inquiring RPC-013 about the events of 1960. The information regarding it is classified and not necessary for this investigation.
Seems weird that they would tell the Site Director that something is classified. They should specify that he himself doesn't have clearance to learn about the events of 1960, and that the person on the intercom is or is relaying a message from someone above his ranking, like a Regional Director.
In the meantime, rest, and we will try to have a more… Coherent conversation next time.
"Coherent" should not be capitalized.
RPC-013: Don't allow it to not happening
Missing period.
It is currently near impossible to gather solid information from RPC-013 due to its inability to make coherent sentences
I feel like RPC-013 was pretty coherent in this last interview. Maybe change this to being more about RPC-013 being unable to express any useful information effectively?
the best we can do is come up with a plan for whatever is gonna happen that day. Dr. Elliott Benedict
This is really nonclinical. Also, you're missing the hyphen before his signing like you did in previous notes.
Engineering Corp
I think you meant "Engineering Component"?
The cube already covers 80% of the room, slight shifts in its form can be appreciated.
Run-on.
All audio and video feed are lost at this point.
Change "are" to "is".
After the incident concluded.
Incomplete sentence here.
ASF units were able to normally open RPC-013’s cell entrance without the need for explosives.
RPC-013 was found inside unconscious, but unharmed aside from a small scar on its head.
I think scar is the wrong word. "laceration" could work better.
Current efforts are being placed for the prevention of similar incidents, and until further notice, RPC-013 is to stay on in the medical bay.
Overall it's really fantastic. Maybe it's just me but I felt kind of disappointed that 013-1 wasn't involved much. It got introduced early on and was super interesting but then didn't appear much after that. Adding more about it might bloat the article though. I'm not sure what the right thing to do for that is. Maybe just leave it as-is.
Thoughts
Overall I really like this draft, I liked the RPC and the reports that described its modifications and the experimentation that took place on it to make it what it is.
I honestly can't find any grammar problems with this RPC, and I don't really have any suggestions to change any of the grammar since it seems to fit perfectly with the article.
Just a question, but how come Howard Hummel was to be terminated by OI, since there wasn't really anything to suggest that he misused the assets, other than the miscalculation in test 3. Although this may be because since I'm unfamiliar with the group, that might be enough to get terminated if not producing the best results.
manner similar to Situs inversus
Maybe add a footnote explaining what Situs inversus is?
/forum/t-13778857/rpc-013-the-broken-despot#post-