Thanks to everyone who posted crit
image was taken from CC image search and edited (3.0)
and a special thanks to johnny helping me actually change the color for (copyright reasons)
Kloth really pulled through on this. I wasn't sure about the quality at first, but he really did pull through and make me care.
5/5, the cabal is pleased.
Grammar and general errors
- You used "Sapient hazard" twice.
- It is not said why they should be prioritized.
the Authority should prioritize individuals
- A wikipedia link for weiqi should be taken out and replaced by a description, the same way you did for Liar's dice. Something even better would be making a table, with the name of the game, simple explanation of rules, and win condition. Regardless of how many people know the game.
- under a controlled environments
under controlled environments
- Footnote 4 is unnecessary. Just replace keep "vacuum pumps".
- Instances of what?
all instances produced by the anomaly
- Footnote six is unnecessary.
- How was the density checked? Would be better if replaced with "appearance"
in both texture and density
- excluding both the concepts
excluding both the concepts
- If it isn't able to change its shape the same way a balloon can, why the airtight chamber? Or why would there need to be any procedures at all, if he is 695's servant, and would have to listen to him if he was ordered to stay where he is?
RPC-186 is also unable to compress, contort, or expand itself to the same extent that a balloon can.
- It was previously said that it might speak through the vibration of gas within it, but now it is said it is full of liquid.
Instead, the majority of RPC-186's mass consists of an unknown fluid
- This is followed by the things the participants they gamble/wager on, not the terms.
the terms of the deal (…) vary wildly on a case by case basis
- The "common rules" sentence does not need brackets.
- It is not said that these are engraved on the coin.
with RPC-186's face on the front and a flame on the back.
- Should the participant win RPC-186-A, he will be rewarded with a custom token (…), on top of the agreed prize.
If the recipient is to either win or beat RPC-186, on top of the agreed price, will receive a small, custom token…
- A liquid is not countable, thus there can be no instances. Just leave out "instances".
using RPC-186-1 instances
- inside Site-002
on Site-002
- Stature does not mean body shape, and the footnotes are unnecessary.
almost identical stature15 and appearance16
- Repeat mistake.
was able to neutralize both instances both entities.
- wat
RPC-186 refused to leave its cell until asked to leave.
- wat
Silence is heard from RPC-186.
- typo
Amazing! Co. Nor are
Narrative inconsistencies
- "Games found in the area" is something mentioned in the first footnote, but it is not specified if these are boxed sets of games, or if these are games typically/traditionally played by the people in the area.
- In the same footnote, it is said that staff is encouraged to play regular (and not anomalous) round of a game as a way of keeping it occupied. Contrastingly, it is said that "The entrance to RPC-186's containment cell is only permitted to be open during an RPC-186-A event". Deleting this part of the footnote and adding the detail in the actual Protocols would be good.
- It is said that it "emulates human mannerisms out of habit". This implies that it originally hadn't done so: Something that the Authority wouldn't know unless it encountered it in that state. It would be better if it was reworded as: "Additionally, the anomaly seems incapable of fully understanding the purpose or cause of some human mannerisms it emulates."
- Footnote 8: If 186 is interested in human behavior and customs, it is better if this was not mentioned in a footnote. Additionally, the "once-human" theory would be better explained if it was theorized that he was attempting to remember his own mannerisms through the observation and emulation.
- Pick one.
RPC-186 is also unable to compress, contort, or expand itself to the same extent that a balloon can.
or
RPC-186 has been shown to be able to manually deflate and reflate its body, often to transverse otherwise impossible to reach areas.
- OK, I want to be completely sure I understood the discovery section: 186 enters through a spatial anomaly into a casino performance room, proceeds to do tricks without any possible reason and then goes to play cards at the tables. After being asked to leave, he gets angry and starts fighting the security, which somehow does not result in people being exposed or seeing his anomalous abilities. This confrontation, and not his appearance through a portal, then prompt an elite unite for containing anomalies, one of which is a child with a history of histerics and an ability that could possibly level the entire town if he gets too upset, that just happen to be not in Vegas but close enough to spot themselves the fight with the guards, to come and get him.
- This results in an almost hour long chase/fight during which it somehow did not escape the pursuers, no one saw them fighting each other or the anomalous abilities of either side, neither side became tired, 186 did not deflate from the use of its gas, or police was called. This combat is then finished after a sudoku paper, that just happened to be in one of the anomalys' posckets, fell out and was somehow noticed by 186, who then somehow convinces the outnumbering group to not dogpile and cuff him after an hour of resistance and proof it is dangerous, but instead to sit down and play a game, the wager of which is servitude of the loser to the winner? To something that they agree to, without any possible knowledge whether it has some anomalous ability relating to wagers, and the one wagering the servitude is a extremely dangerous anomaly himself?
- And this comes after 186 exactly and specifically explaining the terms to the player, and presumably the other team members around him?
- I want you to carefully, and think what are the exact issues with these events, and fix them. Or at least listen out to advice to how to fix it.
- It has to be specified that this was done as a way of retrieving a pocketed +4 card.
12:56: CSD-8541 scratches his back while yawning.
- Why would this make the RPC more open? Be specific with who was the individual.
After an individual won against RPC-186 in a match of UNO
- Count out loud to 120 to understand how long it took for something to actually happen when teh spatial anomaly appeared. Shorten the length of time.
- Additionally, what happened in the half hour between 186 getting shot, and him returning fire that prevented staff or surveillance from noticing the breach and noise?
- wat
Time: The event lasted 2 minutes.
Additional comments
- Footnote 5: Trust, or even friendship, from relationship that is based on controlling the other's freedom is hard and often impossible to be made. There needs to be something else that bonds them, with the deal acting as a reason why they are together.
- If it is interested in human culture due to trying to be human once more, it could thematically tie in with its powers: When playing a game, humans begin exhbitting emotions and thoughts in a unique way, that can show the way they are or who they think. Being able to "read" people in this way would be an interesting feature, since it makes him more human whilst further connecting him to his powers.
- The 186-1 part needs to be rewritten, it's very janky.
- The encounter with Jimmy is forced without much thought given to another scenario in which they could have encountered one another.
- It is never explained how much gas is necessary to tire 186 out, nor how much of it is used to create an object, nor whether a more complex object, such as a gun, requires more gas.
- The way 186 behaves in the interview is either absolute edge, or nonsensical white noise. Neither of which are entertaining.
- This got a chuckle out of me.
Dr. Herbert: …Sorry? Is there something you need to tell us? Something you need to get off your chest? Anything you need to-
RPC-186: I'm also a great artist.
- The description of the containment security breach describes half of what happens in the following recording, which mind you doesn't explain how the thing was actually recorded. Unless Herbert carries a recorder with himself at all times.
Long story short:
I am a sucker for betting anomalies. But the anomalous properties are probably the only redeeming feature with this article. Hope is a character suffering from an X-man syndrome, as well as being a Mary Sue.
The faults you gave him do not feel as actual problems he struggles with or that negatively affect the people around him, they serve more as quirky characteristics that try to artificially make him a more complicated character. Every loss he encounters is met with no actual consequences (such as being able to escape the facility regardless of the servitude to Jimmy_ and the Authority essentially lets him do whatever he wants, regardless of how it can negatively affect them (He executes a CSD, and faces no reprecussions, not even a warning he should not kill people because of cheating).
The entire article feels like it was written on assumptions and expectations, without much thought put into any of the elements.
I cannot in my good conscience give it anything better than a +2. No amount of grammar fixes can fix a below average story and character.
Would like a specification on where the rule breaking occurred in the first addendum. Would also like at least a hint on what "That place." is supposed to mean in the email as it just seems like a random vague mystery. I might just be stupid though and its obvious to others for some reason.
I also wonder why the Authority hasn't attempted to acquire RPC-186-1, considering its a gas that could have useful benefits. Other than that, its a good all around article that gave me a good amount of feelings. 4 stars.