RPC-291
RPC-291
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» RPC-291
Summary:
This might be the smallest RPC I've ever done, good read!
I'm not particularly good at line-by-line or grammatical corrections as i've said before, you'll need someone else to go through that and fix those up here since there are quite a few (but in a way that it's mostly entierly readable, just needs to be polished a little).
Overall I think there's an interesting idea at the core of this article, but not one that's explained or explored as well as i'd like.
To begin with, she's labelled as having the ability to
PC-291 anomalous effects manifest themselves in the creation of materials and ideas, or as described by RPC-291: "simple things." Those effects can be found as physical objects1, being able to generate objects with simple chemical compositions, such as metals, graphite and pure substances.
But throughout the article this comes up very little, and seems to not really mesh with what she's actually doing in all the tests, and with what her actual core story is. We consistently see her do this part instead:
RPC-291 was also noted to be capable of creating these effects mentally through the construction of ideas, thoughts, concepts and even memories on the mind of those in close proximity of at least 3.5m of the area surrounding RPC-291.
Which is… not what she can do, she's capable of altering people's perception of themselves/their memories, but i get that the intent is like "she can create metaphysical things like memories" rather than whatever that sentence is saying she can do.
This I think would be a stronger core for her abilities than the "can make anything" thing.
Given she doesn't like it when people disagree with her, or her view of the world, I think a better angle to take would be to base her ability entierly around that- have her think the world is a specific way and alter other people's perception to fix it. Have the tests not be "make this allergic person eat penuts" have it be "she really likes PB&J and the researcher tells her this CSD doesn't like it, so she makes him want to eat it".
Have not just "they told her to make a guy punch a guy" but "they tell her this CSD is evil and bad and wants to be punished, but the other guy disagrees"- that kind of thing, that makes sense with her hating that people disagree with her. I don't think she needs to like, make a dude kill himself or whatever for the edge factor, just show that her power comes from that childhood understanding of the world without really having empathy, that she doesn't get and doesn't like to hear that the world isn't the same as she thinks it is, with everyone thinking like she does.
It's more compelling of a central anomaly and fits more with the sort of story being told.
Beyond that I really don't get this
RPC-291: I wasn't this… something changed.
It feels like it's setting up that something changed her… somehow, for some reason, but we never get any glimpse into why, how, for what purpose, or even that she's been changed at all, since this is literally the first interview and the first time she talks. She just says "i am different than i was before, off-screen, now i am evil" which is a very weird twist.
There are ways you could set this up, tie it up with outside entities influencing her somehow, maybe a GoI sneaking her messages and convincing her of something that makes her escape (maybe even makes her gain the ability to manifest things in relality, by convincing her there'll be a crystal escape path or something or that the wall will explode at XX:XX time, but in reality they're gaslighting her into using her powers in ways she hadn't comprehended of before, and maybe still hasn't- that'd make her scary).
Or just like, make her want to leave because she hates it there, and maybe consciosuly use her power over people to let her out or something. I don't know, there just needs to be *more* to this ending twist, outside of just suddenly deciding to use a power the article hadn't shown before and escape because she's Evil now and wants everyone to be her friend by force.
I like the core idea! Just needs more grammatical polish, and I think to go back to the drawing board on some elements of its execution and narrative. Otherwise it's good and it'll be a cool addition to mainlist when it's finished
I started doing a line-by-line but then I stopped.
I was going to do a line-by-line but I think I'll save that for later. I read over this and found some inconsistencies that I'd like to point out. Let's fix the holes first and THEN we can worry about grammar/clinical tone stuff.
Here's SOME line-by-line
RPC-291 is currently kept in a locked standard humanoid cell found in Site-062.
RPC-291 is currently held in a standard humanoid containment cell on Site-062's humanoid anomaly wing. (Don't need to mention 'locked' as this goes without saying.)
Permission for contact with RPC-291 must be given by level 4 personnel with prior knowledge of intentions and previous interactions with the anomaly.
Permission to interact with RPC-291 will require the approval of level 4 personnel. The purpose of each interaction must be properly documented and provided prior to authorization.
All interactions are to be escorted with at least 2 ASF members at all times for the protection of both RPC-291 and the subject.
Any individuals intending to interact with RPC-291 are to be escorted by no less than 2 ASF members for the entire duration of their visit. This is imperative to ensure the safety of both the visiting individual and RPC-291.
Subject: CSD-6495, RPC-291 (from the test logs)
The Subject should just be the CSD. RPC-291 is the one being used to test each subject, I don't think she needs to be mentioned. Maybe use the 'Subject' line to describe the CSDs involved. For example: "CSD-6495, African-American male in his 30s. Subject has an extreme dislike for peanuts due to a traumatic experience as a child."
Results: The subject, after 4 minutes of resistance to the urge, picked up the sandwich and ate like a normal dessert.
Results: After approximately 4 minutes of visible resistance, CSD-6495 picked up the peanut butter sandwich and proceeded to consume it. Subject appeared to enjoy the taste of the sandwich.
the only Dr available
You can spell out 'doctor' in this instance. Abbreviations would only be used when addressing a person. Such as: "Dr. Pavel, I'm CIA"
Now for the plot stuff
1. In the test log you mention RPC using a priest in one of their tests. The test log involves RPC-291 influencing the priest into attacking a CSD. Why does the Authority randomly have a priest in their lab? Is the priest also a CSD? Is he a criminal on death row who converted to Catholicism in prison? I don't think prison inmates can become priests while serving their sentence.
I also don't think RPC would kidnap a priest just for a test. It feels out of place. Maybe instead of a priest, refer to him as a 'pacifist' Catholic and make him also be a CSD. RPC-291 makes a pacifist violent.
2. Was the guy who got beat up a masochist from the start or did RPC-291 make him a masochist? Might want to mention that in the 'subject' line.
3.
Description: RPC-291 was able to find a small gap in between the floor and wall. Abusing this, RPC-291 was able to start creating a great amount of the same material to open that gap, until it was able to escape its original standard humanoid cell.
What exactly is this 'same material' that she created? Crystals? Mention crystals instead of 'same material' if it is indeed crystals. It is a bit confusing to read this part. She finds a gap and then fills the gap with material? Or she slowly makes the gap bigger by digging at it?
4. Since RPC-291 already escaped once, I'd update the containment protocols. Add in something that states that her containment cell is to be inspected daily or weekly for any signs of breakage or deterioration. Maybe add in something about her cell remaining under a 24-hour CCTV surveillance.
Overall, I enjoyed this very much. My only real complain with the article is that it could do a better job of explaining her abilities in a more 'layman' terms. I am a smooth brained man with a smooth cool attitude. Sometimes I need things dumbed down.
Is she a reality bender? Because that is what she seems to be, to an extent. She can manifest solid/physical objects right? Or are the objects just illusions and she can only control people mentally?
Aside from that, I like the hook at the end, especially the mention of this 'brother' figure which leaves the piece open to expansion via tales or a second RPC.
and weighting
weighing
children bellow the age of four
below
RPC-291 personality appears to be extremely docile during interactions
Do no say that it "appears to be" if it is clear that is how she is normally. Say that their personality is docile during interactions
the sentence "I disagree." may cause extreme negative effects to RPC-291 mental state, and is prohibited to be used at any interviews, conversations or overall interactions with RPC-291
Why is this not in the conprocs? This seems to be very important, especially if I was a researcher who needed to know how to interact with RPC-291
Here is something that bothers me
The recovery operation may last to a total of 1-3 years. However, in extreme cases, it was noted to last about 5 years.
So how long have they had 291? Since she was a toddler and could barely talk to people? Seems very petty to me but I find it very jarring timeline wise
CSD-6495, African-American male
CSD-6495 tells about her childhood memories
:/
Ophidiophobia
Add a footnote explaining what Ophidiophobia is
In log 291-16 add a space between the results and notes section
I will be back later with more crit
the sentence "I disagree." may cause
Perhaps 'phrase' instead of 'sentence'
Aside from that maybe state how disagreeing with the kid in general can set her off. It would be a tad silly if 'I disagree' turns her into a malevolent psychopath but 'No, thats really stupid' would not.
Aside from that, it is ready for posting imo
I just snorted 4 lines of caffeine. I'm WIRED. Crit part 2: Let's GOOOO.
First off, have you ever considered using the hazard icons on your articles? I notice you stick to text. Simple and old school, but the icons were created for a reason and (personally) I find them to be more aesthetically pleasing. It doesn't deter from your article but I think it looks better. It's one of the 'one ups' we have on SCP.
CONTAINMENT PROTOCOLS
It is to be noted, the phrase "I disagree." may cause extreme negative effects to RPC-291 mental state, and is prohibited to be used at any interviews, conversations or overall interactions with RPC-291.
Personnel are prohibited from using the phrase "I disagree." when in the presence of RPC-291, as this particular phrase appears to cause great mental distress to the subject, which can lead to the spontaneous manifestation of its anomalous properties.
RPC-291 is to be supplied with a minimum of 2 instances of CSD personnel every week, so RPC-291 can show them "true harmony." This is put into place so the appeasement of RPC-291 is established.
(This entire sentence could be re-worded better, but for now I am more concerned about context. I'm guessing this part here is done to keep the girl 'happy' so she doesn't freak out? or does her power 'build up' if she doesn't use it regularly? I think it makes more sense if RPC has her use her powers weekly to ensure she doesn't build up too much power to cause a breach/lose control.)
If RPC-291 attempts a breach, Whiskey-15 "Wish Watchers" are stationed to handle tranquilizers on first contact.
Members of MST Whiskey-15 ("Wish Watchers") are to remain on standby at Site-062 in order to engage RPC-291 in the event of a containment breach. The use of tranquilizer rounds in place of lethal ammunition is preferred when engaging RPC-291.
RPC-291 requests are to be handled and supervised by Lead researcher █████ with help of local staff.
Any requests made by RPC-291 are to be redirected to Lead researcher █████, this includes requests pertaining to its living accommodations, medical inquiries, and dietary preferences.
Any interactions are to be made with protective gear provided by NUCORP staff.
(Two things here, first: This sentence feels out of place here. I would move it up to the part where you mention that interactions require 2 ASF guard present. This would fit better there. Secondly: Add a footnote explaining what exactly NUCORP gear is. Most readers will not know what this means. Helmets/Gloves? Hazmat suits?)
Update: Following the events of Containment Breach-291-1, subject's containment cell is to be inspected on a daily basis for any signs of breakage or deterioration. Furthermore, RPC-291's containment unit is to remain under 24-hour CCTV surveillance. On-site ASF is to patrol the surrounding perimeter of RPC-291's cell on an hourly basis as an added security measure.
(This is just another personal preference but usually if I add an 'update' part to something, I make it a different color to help it stand out. I'd advise changing the text color for this section.)
DESCRIPTION
Description: RPC-291 is a 8 year old Caucasian girl of Libyan origin, measuring 1.24m and weighing about 25kg.
RPC-291 is an 8 year old Caucasian girl of Libyan origin, standing at 1.24m and weighing approximately 25kg.
RPC-291 was shown capable of speaking both Arabic and English, while only being able to speak fluently in Arabic, despite that, RPC-291 is still able to communicate sufficiently with local staff.
RPC-291 is capable of speaking Arabic and English, with the former being more fluent. Despite its limited understanding of the English language, RPC-291 is capable of communicating with English-speaking staff.
(Question: Does site-062 have any Arabic speakers? I'd imagine so, since its located in north Africa. If so, I'd mention it in there. Maybe she prefers speaking in Arabic with Arabic staff.)
RPC-291 is extremely docile during interactions, despite that, it appears to shift when confronted about its ideals, beliefs and ethics. When this happens, RPC-291 may become extremely aggressive, and will attempt to harm any staff on the area.
Better way: RPC-291 will remain docile during regular interactions. However, the subject is prone to experiencing episodes of severe aggression when confronted about its personal ideals and ethics. During these aggressive episodes, RPC-291 will attempt to use its anomalous abilities to harm any individuals present.
The anomalous effects of RPC-291 manifest themselves as a form of reality shifting, by the creation of materials and ideas. It was described by RPC-291 as: "simple things." Those effects can be found as physical objects1 abusing of this method when attempting to breach containment or when attempting to terminate those who seem to "disagree." RPC-291 is able to generate objects with simple chemical compositions, like metals, graphite and pure substances.2
(Jumbled sentence. Let's see if we can clean it up)
RPC-291's primary anomalous property manifests through a form of reality warping which appears to be capable of materializing physical objects. RPC-291 has previously used this ability to breach containment and to "punish" any individuals who "disagree" with it. RPC-291 refers to these creations as "simple things" and appears to only be capable of producing objects with elementary compositions such as metals, graphite, and pure substances.
RPC-291 was also noted to be capable of creating these effects mentally through the construction of metaphysical concept like ideas, thoughts, concepts and even memories on the mind of those in close proximity of at least 3.5m of the area surrounding RPC-291. However, these effects cannot affect people with a low mental capacity or cognitive disorders, children below the age of four and sentient beings.
RPC-291's secondary anomalous property manifests in the form of mental manipulation, including the ability to construct false memories, ideals, and concepts within the minds of any individuals within a 3.5m radius. However, these effects cannot effect individuals with low mental capacities or cognitive disorders. [add a footnote here describing how children and mentally retarded people are not effected]
RPC-291's effects appear to be extremely harmful to the subject, as even after Amnestics are applied, the subject appears to still retain some of the ideas/concepts/thoughts previously installed by RPC-291's effects,
These secondary effects appear to create long-term defects to afflicted individuals, as they appear to retain altered concepts, ideals, and memories even after administration of amnesics.
and it is theorized to be connected directly into a person's neural system instead of the brain. Those affected by the anomalous effects are to be taken away from RPC-291 immediate area of effect and start the recovery operation.3
(Just my opinion but this feels unneeded. Just state that the effects remain even after amnesics and leave it at that. Too much content bloat. Just my 2 cents. I think its more scary if she can permanently alter their mindset without a scientific explanation.)
I'll do the addendums tomorrow!
/forum/t-13706317/rpc-291#post-