http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/dattop5
Demonymless is a WIP GOI mainly ran/spearheaded by Me, Blairin and Ascriber, with help from other users of course. For more information on the GOI, please visit the #Demonymless channel in the RPC Official Lore Server.
When not in use by designated personnel, RPC-335 must be enclosed within a lead-lined, standard item containment chamber at Site-016.
Activation or removal of RPC-335 from containment
Separate these two lines
(by staff members of the aforementioned clearance)
This goes without saying
), All Site-016
Make "All" lowercase
RPC-335 was later discovered to have minor, long term side effects that directly correlated to continued use of the device. The discovery of these long term effects have prompted a re-designation from Theta-White to Alpha-Yellow, and the requirements to use RPC-335 out in the field have been greatly increased since their discovery
Very… informal. Idk just doesn't feel right mentioning the discovery of this midway through. Just say that the anomaly has those secondary properties.
I really don't have much to say about this article story wise. The biggest issue with this is that it just feels like an article made just to tell us that Demonymless exists and connects to other GOIs. You could do that but this articles entire purpose feels like it just does that and doesn't really care about creating an interesting story at all. The dialogue in the retrieval log is just not engaging and doesn't add on to the article.
The anomaly itself is meh. Radar jammer that makes you vomit. Not the worst concept ever but just kinda lame, especially when paired with the boring story you wrote around it. This gets a 1/5 from me overall
Idk why you had this wierd formatting of leaving a space at the start of each section, it looks ugly and unnecessary. In a similar manner, please just use normal collapsibles and not the double hide text ones, it makes it hard to see which collapsible is which and where they end.
Object Class: Alpha-Yellow Theta-White
If you are gonna have it crossed out, put a footnore or something with an explanation for it
RPC-335 is to be enclosed within a lead-lined, standard item containment chamber
Chamber? A whole room for it? Wouldn't Containment Locker or Storage Unit Box make more sense?
and is to be monitored daily
You already said "is to be" at the start of containment, remove it, it makes it sound clunky
As of October 20th, 2019 RPC-355
As of October 20th, 2019, RPC-355*
has not been approved to be used for any off-site operation
has not been approved for its use on any off-site operation*
without the express permission of two level 4 staff or higher
So, basically 2 Site Directors? Wouldn't it make more sense if a direct authorization from the Site's Director was needed?
as well as be informed of the risks regarding long-term exposure to RPC-335 in a powered state.
as well as the risks regarding long-term exposure to RPC-335 in a powered state.*
Regarding the outdated containment protocols, they are so similar that they might as well not be included here, they just take up space to repeat what has already been said but in a smaller scale.
This effect is only present when RPC-335 is provided with sufficient power in the form of two AA batteries, and it's on/off switch is switched to the on position.
You already said it needs to be powered to happen, you can just include pieces of this the first time you mention it. I also think you should leave a space before starting the paragraph below.
RPC-335 was later discovered to have minor, long term side effects
I don't think hallucinations are a mino side effect
The secondary effects of RPC-335, designated RPC-335-1 are as listed2:
Please, put the footnote after the ":" It looks fugly otherwise
Damn nigga ngl, this is the most boring ass discovery log I've read in ages
I like the idea, its cool, I would like to see the properties of the anomaly being explored a little more, maybe some connections between the side effects it causes and its normal anomalous effect, you know, and maybe some actual scientific testing because everything about this anomaly seems like specualtion, they didn't even try to open it up?
The worst part is the discovery log, its boring and nothing happens.
You also have a bad habit of repeating information you have already said, this is like 1/3 of the article, don't do it
3/5 in its current state
Please use more spaces between paragraphs
Put it between these sentences, as so:
…Site-016.
Activation or removal…
…said device.
Should it be…
…on position.
RPC-335 was…
…onto the user.
Potentially all matter…
Thank you, valued customer, for purchasing one (1) Amazing! Co. Brand 'Not so Talkie, Walkie-Talkie'; for the silent sniper in every rascal!
Enclosed within, you will find one owner's manual with detailed instructions on how to use this valued product,11 complete with wonderfully illustrated pictograms in full technicolor by our fantastic artists! This set of four (4) handheld radios12 is sure to make games of manhunt with the pals in your neighborhood a cinch! Simply insert two (2) AA+ batteries into the appropriate receptacle for each radio; when all four are activated, only you and your buddies will finally be able to communicate within your own closed ten (10) meter radius - no more need for worrying about that pesky eavesdropping ever again!
Note: Batteries Not Included, All purchases are final after fourteen (14) days after purchase regardless of item condition, All queries regarding this item are to be taken to [PHONE NUMBER ILLEGIBLE]."
It has been noted that potential long-term use of RPC-335 can result in the eventual deterioration of the body, to the point where all physical and/or sensory interaction with the world around them becomes increasingly difficult.
uninhibited. [[/footnote]]
— ] Manual was not located
that appeared to be anomalous in origin.
**K4-4:
RPC-335 is to be enclosed within a farady cage-lined
monitored daily for tampering and/or the supposed sign of a theorized RPC-335-2.
approved for it's use on
Hallucinations, -Transparency, Induced Paranoia, Auditory Sensations
to the director of Site-016
that they accept any potential long-term side effects from extended use of said device.
- Auditory Hallucinations - Such as, but not limited to: Previously spoken words either by the personnel afflicted by RPC-335-1 or others within it's radius while in affect, indecipherable and seemingly incoherent whispering, footsteps increasing in volume from behind the subject's field of view, etc.
and a possible end-result correlated with continued long-term exhibition of the secondary effects prescribed in RPC-335-1.
'Demon-e-lys
noticing POI-4120 seemingly 'drowning' in the rooftop of the building. Slowly sinking into the concrete while showing no visible changes to the concrete itself.
It's De-mon-eh-less, and yeah
The article, even in this current form is severely unfinished.
The entire thing is filled with formatting errors such as girthy paragraphs, parentheses, colons and others not coming in pairs, stage directions put next to the main text, not italicized or both, information is constantly repeated, and not called back to, throughout the article, as well as smushed into footnotes.
The characters speak in the absolutely most generic manner, its wooden and seems like it is less dialogue but more of a written approximation of how someone like that character would speak. By the time I got to the recounting, I was already drained from the previous dialogue. The last part is even not necessary to the main plot, and has no reason to be inside of a file like this.
In short, if you fixed all the things mentioned inside of the collapsible and formatting, then this would most likely be a 2/5.
Footnote 1 seems incomplete.
"RPC-335 has not been approved for it's" —> "its"
"Should it be required that RPC-335 is activated outside of its containment chamber, All Site-016 personnel must be informed" you have "All" capitalized
Footnote 3 is a bit wordy. I would just include the last part ("It is currently unknown whether…")
I would honestly remove footnote 4, we don't need it.
Footnote 6, get rid of everything before the word "The", and change "become" —> "becomes".
The list of secondary effects has a lot of inappropriate capitalizations. No need to capitalize those words.
I personally don't think we need to designate the entire symptoms list of the RPC as RPC-1. It makes it extra convoluted when it doesn't need to be. A good example of this is in footnote 7, where it says "exposure to RPC-335-1" when really it is or could just be exposure to RPC-335.
In footnote 7, remove the "regardless of the length however".
" to the point where all physical and/or sensory interaction with the world around them" replace "them" with "subjects"
In footnote 8, make the comma before "as such" a period and start a new sentence. it's a run-on right now.
"effects prescribed in RPC-335-1." I think "described" works better here.
"would all pass through the RPC uninhibited." change "RPC" —> "affected individual"
Remove "While potentially impossible" and the sentence is much better.
"of the involve POI" —> "involved"
Just a suggestion, in the recovery log. I think it would be way more effective and eerie if the team at the beginning while without signal somehow noticed that neither of them had a pulse. I remember reading this article previously, and my suggestion remains the same; tie the loss of radio signal to a genuine and for sure plummet in vital signs, have the personnel be animated like nothing is going on anyway. If the users of RPC and those in the radius of its effect were to have this effect happen to them, I think it would make the anomaly more interesting.
"posthumously marked as RPC-335-2," I think maybe you mean "an instance of RPC-335-2" here.
I think the article is improved and I like the story here. But it is just rough around the edges. The clinical tone falters and things don't happen in a clear enough logic in the sequence of events.
I know you don't want to hear this, but I would create another sandbox, and write it from absolute scratch all over again. Then compare it to this version and take portions you missed that you like, asking if they are necessary (especially if you forgot them when typing the re-type).
I think that is a method for ridding the article of any unnecessary "fat" on the article and will make it more moving and powerful.
Right now, this is at a 2 or 3/5 for me I'm afraid.
Keep it up though, I think with a lot more work, this will be a good article.
Ask and thou shalt recieve.
This is a very rough draft. Work on it.
many have critiqued this so I will not dabble in repetition
faraday cage-lined, standard item containment chamber […]
reword to "standard item containment chamber outfitted with a fully enclosed faraday cage" or something similar
3.56 Ounces
why capitalized
RPC-335 was later discovered to have minor, long-term side effects that directly correlated to continued use of the device.
weird phrasing, suggest making more straightforward
Theta-White
we use utility now
Self-Induced Paranoia
how is it self-induced if the anomaly is causing it
determine whether POI-4120 is an outlier
who is POI-4120? never mentioned until this point unless I missed something
I know it's explained later but this is an odd introduction
[PHONE NUMBER ILLEGIBLE]
if it's illegible how do they know it's a phone number
GOI known as "Demonymless'
why 'known as', it's clunky
K4-1: "Hey Frank, you ever tried to pronounce Demonymless?
why is this the first line in the recovered log, there should be some kind of implication that this is an ongoing conversation that we're jutting into rather than just starting with what I hope is meant to be part of an ongoing dialogue
I am not going to bother with the rest of the logs/addenda, because many better writers have already posted lengthy criticism of these sections. the writing in many places is clunky but overall decently clinical, though it does about as much for the GOI it's supposed to be introducing as one of chrome's "and then [x] appeared!" GOI articles
