Hey guys, here's my first draft of (hopefully) my first article. I hope it's something you can enjoy, please let me know how to make it awesome, I wanted my first submission to be something I can be proud of in the future.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/colonelpanic42-ai-conversion
Primary image used under CC BY-SA 4.0 licence, originally taken and shared by Anthony Giorgio on Wikipedia, and modified by me within the terms of the licence.
Gave it a read. I enjoyed this very much. I can tell you did your homework when it comes to PC stuff. Didn't notice any blatant writing errors but here's some stuff that stood out to me. It's not that the sentence structure is wrong but some parts could be re-written differently:
On 2016/██/██, MST Romeo-7 ("Suited Gentlemen") acting on an anonymous tip stormed what appeared to be an abandoned shop front, and found a disguised elevator going down to the laboratory approximately ████m.
(Re-write as:)
On 2016/██/██, MST Romeo-7 ("Suited Gentlemen") acting on an anonymous tip, stormed what appeared to be an abandoned shop front and subsequently discovered a disguised elevator which served as a hidden entrance to the laboratory located approximately ████m below ground.
Once aware of the raid laboratory staff attempted to enact procedures to destroy documentation and equipment to prevent recovery, however Authority intelligence was able to recover limited documentation from hard drives seized by MST Romeo-7.
(I'd re-write this as:)
Once laboratory staff became aware of the raid, they would initiate a series of fail-safe procedures with the intent to terminate all relevant documentation and equipment. Despite these attempts, Authority intelligence were able to recover limited documentation from the hard drives seized by MST Romeo-7.
I gotta say, I love the concept. Good to see GEAR getting some love. I've always enjoyed stories that involve mankind's hubris giving birth to technological abominations. I am a simple man.
Thank you :D I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I agree with your suggestions, there are always a couple of bits you don't really see when you're up against the coalface :) I'll update those now.
I will go through the first half now and cover the rest later
modern a high-speed
A modern high-speed
report lodged 2014/██/██
report from 2014/██/██
are as of yet unconfirmed.
Say this outloud. Doesn't sound right does it? I'd replace this with "are currently unknown"
they would initiate a series of fail-safe procedures
Swap out would with began as would implys that it is something they are going to do in the future rather than in the past
I absolutely despise the fact that those testing logs are in individual collapsables. It would be far simpler to just put them in all together in one.
Aside from that, this wasn't bad. Kept me engaged, had some good clinical tone and the GEAR report felt really scientific and professional… if that makes any sense.
For now this gets a 3/5 until I read the interview logs later on. If you have any questions or whatever until then just send me a PM either here or over on the chat
Alright came back to read the rest. I don't have much to say so I will keep it short. Great work. I definitely enjoyed the interview logs especially the first. You know your stuff when it comes to all this computer and networking nonsense which I definitely appreciate here. The test logs, especially the 5th and 6th one, drag on for a bit and overstay their welcome but aren't bad and I get that they belong here in this article. Either way, good stuff 4/5
Thank you for your feedback :) I think I've implemented everything you suggested.
I do get what you mean about the longer test logs, especially #6 (of course that's the most technical one). Haven't got a chance right now but I will have another read over them and see if I can make them a bit more concise without losing too much.
I have tried to reduce test #6 down a teeny bit, but I'm not sure how to reduce it down further without losing too much content. If people prefer, I can strip it down to testing one type of connection instead of the three currently (SSH/HTTP/Network Share), but I've always been the sort to like detailed lore :).
Some small changes here and there that may help flesh out the draft.
Field-Programmable Gate Array, a type of customisable processor commonly used for very specific, high-speed purposes
Non-Volatile Memory Express, a modern high-speed, high-throughput specification for storage devices
Same as before, with a colon between "Express" and "a"
Records of this person have been retrieved by Authority intelligence
Using "this person" does not work well in a clinical tone, I suggest changing it to "the individual"
014/██/██, however the current status and whereabouts…
Add a comma in front of however
RPC-XXX which apparently causes further stress and discomfort to RPC-XXX-A
Would change it to represent how it causes stress to RPC-XXX-A, like it is vocalizing discomfort or is viewed as being in an uncomfortable state
stormed what appeared to be an abandoned shop front and subsequently discovered a disguised elevator which served as a hidden entrance to the laboratory approximately ████m below ground.
Change it to "discovered an abandoned shopfront concealing an elevator that served as an entrance to the laboratory approximately ████m below ground."
The technicians were interrogated and administered Class-A amnestics before being released.
GEAR liaisons to the Authority have consistently insisted that the laboratory was not acting under GEAR direction…
Transferring them to GEAR, to me, would connect these two sentences
"The technicians were interrogated and administered Class-A amnestics before being released to GEAR custody, with GEAR liaisons to the Authority insisting that the laboratory was not acting under GEAR direction…"
Thank you :) I've added your suggestions. I'm glad you enjoyed!
