Thank all people who helped me create this suffering creature we call Timmy
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-13654858/timmy#post-4751852
And thank you for reading!
RPC-695 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page RPC-695.
Timmy's backstory just falls flat to me. While it's clear there's been significant effort put into the interview and characterization, it doesn't go far enough to distance itself from how trope-y the characters feel and act. The interview would've worked far better with less description and less tragedy, because it feels rather exaggerated in its current state. It feels like something I'd see in Naruto, or any superhero movie ever, and that's just not something I'm interested in.
695's vast array of powers and abilities doesn't contribute to the article's narrative, puts unnecessary weight on the description, and isn't even directly relevant to any other part of the article save for the test logs, which read like filler and aren't interesting anyways. You could've done something interesting with them and use them to describe Timmy's relationship with his powers, but in their current state they can be skipped without any loss to the article. All you'really need to have is one or two "abilities" and 695-2 as a drawback or unpredictable power to balance them out (of course you'd need to find a way to differentiate Timmy from the Incredible Hulk), and you'd have a decent dynamic going on that could work well with Project 107.
I'm not sure if I missed it, but 695 isn't even described anywhere in the article. This is awkward because it's referenced extensively.
While I get why the last addendum is there, post-credits scene where Iron Man is introduced to the Avengers initiative and all, it just doesn't feel connected to the rest of the article. Everything before this collapsible tells us that Timmy is horrified by his powers and feels like a monster because of them, and I'm supposed to believe that having an adult suddenly tell him he's a good boy suddenly made him change his mind and choose to be a superhero and use his powers for good. It just doesn't work.
This issue could be reduced by having these last two addendums separated by a significant amount of time, a few years at least, so one could fill in the gaps and realize there hasn't been any more 695-2 incidents and that Timmy has had plenty of time to develop and come to terms with himself. The best solution would be having some sort of addendum where we're indirectly told that Dr. Bertold and 695 have been deepening their father-son relationship in some way and that this has had positive effects, and that he's as a result either more in control of his powers, or has managed to partially suppress -2.
The article has significant SPAG issues that hugely detract from the general experience and make me unable to take it seriously or feel more attached to 695 and Bertold as characters. Descriptions in the interview feel especially stilted, and just ruin the entire thing for me. It worries me that none of your many, many critters took the time to help you correct them, or at least pointed out that the article just wasn't ready to be posted.
With all that said, I'll rate this article a 2. It has a lot of potential to be an amazing character piece, but SPAG and superhero tropes drag it down a lot. I can't promise that I'll be able to help much with improving it because of time constraints, but I suggest you ask someone native in English for help specifically with SPAG.
I agree with Alma on most parts.
One more thing. Project 107 was not adequately foreshadowed in my opinion, and it just "shows up" for no good reason. Too much external context needed for it to work.
I suggest showing what it is, maybe brief mentions of it before the final reveal? The article works fine without it, and if it's trying to be a twist then there needs to be more "flavour" to it.
2 now.
Protocol Division 695-1:
"MST Victor-2 "Devil Dogs" are to patrol the perimeter of OL-Site-695 on a weekly basis." Any particular reason for a change in MST units? Perhaps a footnote should be there to explain the change in guards.
Document 695-1:
"increasing its bone density to beyond his current" throughout the article he is referred to as an it, but not here. Most RPCs are referred to as it when it comes to gender, although not a concrete rule.
Footnote 11 seems a little, unnecessary? If it raises it's bone endurance then that already assumes it's durability is increased if not how much punishment it can take in general.
Footnote 12, "Might" be immune? Seems a bit unprofessional. If you want to keep it vague maybe try something like "RPC-695-1 is hypothesized to have an immunity to the same unknown corrosive substance(s) it produces."
"A second mouth is present on the palm of RPC-695's right hand. RPC-695 uses this mouth for communication as its original mouth has been affected by RPC-695-1 to a degree that inhibits its use almost entirely." If it's able to communicate using the mouth in it's hand, this would also imply that vocal chords and other such vital organs for verbal communication are present within it's arm. If not, perhaps that's worth specifying?
Testing Logs:
"flesh on the area coated with RPC-695-A" should be of the area. In fact, this whole test seems uncharacteristically immoral. Like yeah, let's toss some special acid on a CSD. Let's see what happens! I don't think it needs to be deleted, but maybe some off hand mention that the test was performed near a burn ward or something in case the acid did fatal damage to the CSD. They can't help the authority if they're dead after all.
"At 11 minutes RPC-695 reports that these whispers are getting louder." should be something more along the lines of "At eleven minutes, RPC-695 reports that the signal(s) of it's telempathy had begun to increase in auditory strength."
Interview:
Is footnote 20 really necessary? Sudoku is about as popular as Chess.
What the fuck is Procedure 107? If it's an event, you certainly have my attention.
tl;dr I've only read two of your articles, that being this and the sub vesuvia whale. But even between those two, this is a substantial improvement. It's not without it's grammatical issues, but from what I can tell English is your second language anyway, but even with those minor issues I don't see any reason not to give it a five. My only complaint is that more research into RPC-695's "chupacabra" form would've been nice, all I could gather from the article is that it's diet and emotional state if kept in check can keep 695 from turning into this fleshy shamble of a monster. But overall, this is how you do a "le scary monster" article as you both had the scary monster but also had much more substance outside of "woah, pretty cool monster!" to keep the RPC grounded.
Welcome to Minutemen does not match any existing user name's wacky critique template! If you're seeing this, I either forgot to remove this in my crit post or couldn't be fucked to in the first place!
█ - Red text to indicate advised omission.
█ - Green text to indicate advised addition.
█ - Yellow text to indicate highlighted text to call to attention.
MST-Delta 1 "The Keepers" is to observe RPC-695 for four 4 hours on every Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
RPC-695 will now be permitted to receive weekly visits from personnel pre-selected by SD S.D. Reginald.
RPC-695 says it is claims to be capable of exhibiting telempathy
RPC-695 with his its mother prior to the RPC-695-1 effects.
RPC-695 also reported to the Research team while testing that, near areas like such as cemeteries, hospitals, and churches, it can hear the whispers/screaming of people, depending on his its current mental state;
You use the Oxford comma earlier in this article and then don't where I highlighted, be consistent.
Personnel in the area noticed noted each limb of its body was moving individually without coordination, and most of them appeared to show muscle spasms. With every limb appearing to act on its own, it This accordingly resulted in a constant loss of balance.
After approximately 1.5 seconds of skin contact with a small amount minute quantity of RPC-695-B
This substance is not corrosive and will cause no harm when digested. When in direct contact with the skin, however, it will give physical issues
RPC-695 is abal able to, with his its eyes closed
The following are the results of his its second activation:
- Dr. Bertold: Excitement/Hhappiness (Partially Ccorrect)
- CSD-1375: Fear/Ddread (Correct)
- ASF Member Khloe: Agitation/Aanxiety (Incorrect)
- Reginald Plesk: Focused/Iintrigued (Incorrect)
At eleven 11 minutes RPC-695 reports that these whispers are getting louder.
At the 13 minute mark RPC-695 reported reports hearing screams and repeatedly requested to end the test. RPC-695 was is taken back to his containment room to rest.
the trust was given to the anomaly for further approval of his potential,. this This might not have been the best choice., However however, I am not regretful of my decision.
Safety magnets that were placed were are meant to be activated at this time, but an electrical malfunction prevents them from activating.
Upon entering the room staff are met by a standing RPC-695.
The metal bar holding the weights is torn in half. RPC-695 appeared to, for a limited time, surpass his current physical limits.
I understand the idea of what you're doing in this sentence structure, but in formal, clinical context this sticks out like a sore thumb and appears very awkwardly-sentenced. Try:
By the time staff enter the room, RPC-695 is standing, and the metal bar holding the weights is torn in half. RPC-695 appeared to, for a limited time, surpass his current physical limits.
Also I think you meant to do:
Upon entering the room staff are met by a standing RPC-695.
The metal bar holding the weights is torn in half. RPC-695 appeared to, for a limited time, surpass his current physical limits.
instead of:
Upon entering the room staff are met by a standing RPC-695.
The metal bar holding the weights is torn in half. RPC-695 appeared to, for a limited time, surpass his current physical limits.
Which you should be doing.
RPC-695 appeared to, for a limited time, surpass his current physical limits. However, in that short duration of time, RPC-695 went through immense excruciating , albeit consequently enduring immense pain.
Immense excruciating pain, while also being barely clinical, appears like you're attempting to sell it too hard.
Notes: From Lead Researcher Bertold: "I took, and will take full responsibility of for the consequences of this experiment."
I took, and will take doesn't make sense when applied to taking responsibility. It's needlessly verbose and I take does the job.
The following recording is to be sent to Professional Psychologist Miranda Thatcher for future sessions
CSD-1375 received medical attention immediately after the experiment and narrowly survived after a months-long month-long recovery.
It looks directly to the table but after some seconds of thought,
RPC-695 puts it's left hand on the face as it starts to cry
Dr. Bertold: …
Instead use:
A moment of silence.
The following is a behavioral report given by Dr. Bertold Dughir, authorized by Dr. Thacther Thatcher.
The year is 201█, 2 Years years after the incident, in this short period, Timothy also known as RPC-695 was capable of both physically and mentally growth, immense growth at that. The furthering of relations made it possible to stabilize his mental state to impressive degrees. Our friendship, although just a piece of his development, was fundamental when he most needed it, and I am proud to say I broke protocol for this. I might have suffered my counts of punishment given by the Authority, but I was also able to take this boy out of the hole he was found in. Now, even with his shell, he can already see the sunshine of a new future… That was a strange sentence, what I meant is: He's developing himself, and soon maybe the world will see the wonder that is Mr. Timothy, but until then, this is Dr. Bertold Dughir, signing off.
This looks like an audio recording, so mention that. This is formatted like a document but appears like an audio recording.
So touching it will harm you, but touching it with the roof of your mouth won't? This is very illogical, you can't ingest something without it touching the walls of your insides. It would be needless and ridiculous for it to cause harm when it touches your epidermal structure, but not when it touches parts of the body that are closer to the regions that would endure complications in the substance's presence.
This article suffers heavily from ellipses abuse. The sheer amount of them ruins the article's dialogue entries and makes the r/wholesome part of it extremely forced and cringe.
On top of this, the Authority's prime mission is to contain anomalies. They are not stupid. They know that throwing a literal child with blatant emotional/mental issues and PTSD into an isolation box is going to definitely turn him into monster mode. Not good for containment. Yes, this article uses that as plot device to drive the relationship arc between Bertold and Timmy, but it is entirely based on needlessly cruel and senseless methodology that the Authority is established not to uphold.
You use a metric fuckton of footnotes that could easily, due to the fact that you have 22 footnotes, include in the actual itself.
Finally, the article states a number of anomalous qualities that do not represent anything important within the actual article, evidenced by its removal resulting in no change to the development of the story, or narrative profile of the article. For example:
The mouth was noted to be capable of absorbing essential nutrients and "energy" of a sentient or sapient subject. However this effect is largely unexplored, as previous testing has resulted in the subject affected by RPC-695-1 effects to experience near-death.
In conclusion, this article is poorly written, however, I did find this funny:
CSD-1375: Fear/Dread (Correct)
1 star.
P.S. The kid in the second picture is so fucking adorable.
…criticizing an article for having too many footnotes.
People like you deserve summary execution.
You1 are2 right3, I4 made5 a6 severe7 lapse8 in9 my10 critique11 judgement12. I13 will14 work15 towards16 having17 better18 opinions19.
Footnotes
1. You (pronoun)
- used to refer to the person or people that the speaker is addressing.
2. Are (adverb)
- second person singular present and first, second, third person plural present of be.
3. Right (adjective)
- correct in one's opinion or judgment.
4. I (pronoun)
- used by a speaker to refer to himself or herself.
5. Made (adjective, past tense: made; past participle: made)
- communicate or express (an idea, request, or requirement). create.
6. A (determiner)
- used when referring to someone or something for the first time in a text or conversation.
7. Severe (adjective)
- (of something bad or undesirable) very great; intense.
8. Lapse (noun)
- a temporary failure of concentration, memory, or judgment.
9. in (preposition)
- indicating the quality or aspect with respect to which a judgment is made.
10. my (determiner)
- belonging to or associated with the speaker.
11. critique (noun)
- a detailed analysis and assessment (of a theory or practice) in a detailed and analytical way.
12. judgement (noun)
- a considered decision or sensible conclusion.
13. Refer to footnote 4.
14. will (verb)
- expressing a strong intention or assertion about the future.
15. Work (noun)
- activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.
16. Towards (preposition)
- getting closer to achieving (a goal).
17. Have (verb, gerund or present participle: having)
- possess, own, or hold.
18. Better (adjective)
- more appropriate, advantageous, or well advised.
19. Opinion (noun)
- a formal statement of advice by an expert on a professional matter.
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