Not Child Friendly Content
Harold K Caztovski
Not Child Friendly Content
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Summary:
A children's VHS tape that brainwashes those who watch it, the brainwashing makes the viewers turn into a violent mindless killer
inside of a locker located at site 17
inside of a designated locker at Site-17
due to [REDACTED] and was
due to [REDACTED], and was
CONCLUSION
Have the Incident Report before the Addendums
General:
[[f>image RPC-687 size="small"]]
[[include component:image-block name=RPC-687|caption=Image_Caption|align=right]]
This will get you the image block that all the documents uses
RPC-687 is to be kept in a locked wooden box 25.4cm long and 15.2cm wide inside of a locker located.
I do not understand the importance of specifying the dimension of the box, or why you would put it in a woodenn box. The double security measure here doesn't work, if a person is able to open the security locker it was placed in wether by force or other means, then it would certainly be able to open the box.
can only be accessed by personnel with a level 3 clearance or higher.
The clearance level isn't really justified for the anomaly. I would've lower it to 2.
The test subject is to be kept in a secure room when testing RPC-687 due to the causes of aggression from RPC-687's memetic effects on the human brain.
Usage of "memetic" here does not line up with what you said later on (describing it as mind-controlling / brain-washing)
site 17
Site-017 (Authority Sites uses triple-digit designations)
Additionally, your usage Site-017 is seemingly carried over from SCP's Site-17, which is very different from the Authority's Site-017 (an Antarctic facility that focuses on the containment of anomalies relevant to AR-17).
I suggest that you switch to a different Site instead, which you can refer to the Site-Index for more information.
[Overall Description]
Break it up into smaller paragraphs
RPC-687 is an old VHS tape of unknown origin that was found in an old video store that appeared to have multiple returns due to [REDACTED] and was found on old shelves in a more run-down portion of the store.
You can probably move this section down to a "Discovery:" addendum, either way seperate it into its own paragraph from the rest of the description.
The contents inside are noted to be an hour-long film of a man in what appears to be a bear suit teaching children how to behave, this entity has been designated RPC-687-1.
a man in what appears to be a bear suit
(You don't have to say "what appears to be" if you can see it)
this entity has been designated RPC-687-1
There is no indication that this entity is acting seperately from the VHS to get its own sub-designation. The deviations in the contents of the tape seems to be all a part of the effects of the tape and not the entity as far as the reader're concerned.
RPC-687-1 will even give examples using real hostages
This was never elaborated on, you seem to imply that it kidnaps real people to kill but there are no indications in the rest of the article that this were the case, similarly it can just be interpreted as a part of the deviations from the RPC-687 tape.
Those who do not watch from the beginning
did not
Those who do not watch from the beginning of the film will not be able to witness these parts of the video.
Does that mean they would be able to pull away from the screen once the 10-minute mark hits as you stated later?
Anyone who was to begin watching the tape cannot be distracted or pulled away from the screen once the 10-minute mark hits.
Anyone who watches the tape
Tests of RPC-687 show that if the viewer was watching from at least 7.6m away from the screen it will not affect the viewer as it will any closer
as it would
Does that mean they will not be able to see the murdering parts of the video even if they had watch it from the beginning?
Those who watch the full film become hypnotized into becoming the "evil children" mentioned by RPC-687-1. Instances of RPC-687-2 are those who watch the tape and become brainwashed from RPC-687-1's advice and actions.
Remove the first sentence, they're basically the same information with the latter sentence being the more accurate description for the effects of RPC-687.
Suggest Change: Those who watches the full tape becomes brainwashed from RPC-687-1's advice and actions, they are desiganted as RPC-687-2 (-1 if you were to remove the -1 designation from the bear).
Instances of RPC-687-2 are those who watch the tape
watched
Victims to the film's indoctrination will display an act of passion for RPC-687 and admire the film as to watch it whenever it is played and it seems the RPC-687-2 instances seem to worship it oddly.
will display passion for RPC-687
and it seems the RPC-687-2 instances seem to worship it oddly.
These victims usually lose the pupils in their eyes and begin to turn a grayish color.
Suggest Change: These victims are identifiable by their lack of pupils and grayish coloration in their eyes.
Observers have noted the film won't start normally as it does when played from beginning to end but instead of teaching…
won't will
one researcher described the teaching as [REDACTED]
Why would you have a researcher watch it from beginning to end, there by transforming him into an -2 instance.
and placed in solitary confinement
placed into
A total of 4 researchers plus 2 class D personnel were killed
CSD personnel
You have a few interesting points the article, the implication of unaccounted -2 instances, -1's plan to seemingly take over the world.
You need to restructure the Description of the RPC, the most important part is to think of how you want to present the effects of the anomaly, like the condition needed for someone to be affected by the tape. It was not presented well and I constantly find myself going back and forth to check up on details you did not elaborated on. You could have simply shorten it down to a list of conditions that would have nullify the effects of the tape.
Same with the details on the -2 instances which repeated themselves on how people become -2 instances.
The fact that you acknowledge its semblance and defining the bear guy as a memetic entity tells me that you imply it to be sentient, that was never demonstrated to be the case. Rather all I could say is that it is a very elaborate tape containing recordings that may or may not even have actually been made irl.
Thank you for the feedback, this really helped and I will fix my errors. The site number and the Class D part were only there because I moved this idea directly from the Foundation site so I had to convert all the parts such as SCP to RPC and Special Containment Procedures to Containment Protocols, so that explains why you see Class D and the 2 digit site number
Harold K Caztovski
Hello! I am here to crit your draft! Let us begin
First let me start with the Containment Protocols. Overall it was good but some things could be changed.
on-site guards.
I would change this to on-site ASF Units
The test subject is to be kept in a secure room when testing RPC-687 due to the causes of aggression from RPC-687's memetic effects on the human brain.
What are the dimensions of the room. Is there a specific material? Due to the subject becoming aggressive, I would recommend a sturdy material.
That's all I could think of for this section so lets move on.
Now lets get started on the description
was found in an old video store that appeared to have multiple returns due to [REDACTED] and was found on old shelves in a more run-down portion of the store.
I would rephrase that to something like "was found on some old shelves and appeared to have multiple returns due to [REDACTED]."
this entity has been designated RPC-687-1.
I would rephrase this to be "this entity has been tagged as RPC-687-1"
the first 10 minutes of the film appears to be a normal children's educational video on how to behave
I would just say "the first 10 minutes appear to be a normal video."
to hide the body or make it look like the incident was an accident
This feels like a run-on sentence. To make this not sound like a run-on is to say "to hide the body and make it look like an accident."
was also noted that those who chose not to hear the audio but still viewed the screen were not affected by the film's effects, the same goes for those who watched the screen but had the audio on mute.
Essentially you said the same thing twice but worded the sentences different.
Instances of RPC-687-2 become very hostile towards other human beings and will attempt murdering anyone using the techniques taught to them by the entity in the film.
What weapons do they use? Do they use weapons?
these victims usually lose the pupils in their eyes and begin to turn a grayish color.
"these victims usually lose their pupils and their eyes become devoid of pigmentation" is a better way of saying it for a more clinical tone.
This section could use some work but it is spooky though. I don't wanna watch it
Okay, Let's get started on the little parts.
"they sat in"
They you forgot to capitalize the "T"
That is literally what I could find.
Overall Good Job But needs work, I would rate this 3/5. Good Description but things needed a reword.
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
Hello again! This is a revised crit on your draft! Let us begin.
Let me start with the description.
"Children's Learning Corner", the person responsible
This should have a period.
begin to showcase to the viewer the different methods and ways to murder someone
I would take out the "the".
he man in the film will then begin to showcase to the viewer the different methods and ways to murder someone and tips on how to hide the body or make it look like an accident, the man will even give examples using hostages
I would replace the comma between accident and the man with a period.
the man will even give examples using hostages, for more information see Addendum 687-4.
I would also end "the man will even give examples using hostages" with a period.
the entity
Why did you stop referring it as the man?
film and will use either bare hands or any nearby objects as weapons.
I would put the word "their" between "either" and "bare hands"
gain an immense strength boost
gain an immense boost in strength
destroy a steel door, more information in Incident Report RPC-687-A.
I would put a period between "door" and "more"
Just a quick question. Will the researcher be affected as well as the CSD because the length they have to be standing is unspecified.
1 week after taking RPC-687 into containment a murder occurred in
1 week after taking RPC-687 into containment, a murder occurred in…
18 were found dead and the rest were severely injured, most of the victims were female and the rest were male.
How many were male and female?
Surviving hostages have been given help due to trauma while being kept hostage and being abused.
i would get rid of "and being abused"
Overall this still needs some of the kinks out so currently I am giving this a 4/5, but when this is fixed up I will give it a 5/5
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
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