Hello I am responding to your request to get your idea critiqued, so lets take a look at your concept
I have to say these containment protocols are good and it seems you put a lot of time and effort into this draft but I have a couple questions on the protocols, why can't you be alone, lie down, or show any signs of fatigue? Will something happen if you do any of this inside the structure? I may have missed it but I don't see any reason for being cautious of not doing these actions.
RPC-661 is the designation given to the abandoned Schwartzwald Academy located near ██████, Germany. The school, which ran from 1750-1897, was regarded as a prestigious academic and religious institution while in its prime. It served mostly the Prussian aristocracy with a curriculum focused primarily on Lutheranism, philosophy, and other Prussian ideals. However, in 1873, Abner Stuhr took over as the academy's Grandmaster. From this point on little is known about what happened at the academy until its closure in 1897. During Stuhr's reign, several notable figures had either disappeared from the grounds or left the school due to reports of "possible witchcraft." [See Addendum 661-01.]
I like the fact that you wrote about what the school was like before and I enjoyed the whole backstory and how it slowly went from being just a normal school to a place of mystery
On October ██ 1897, local sources claimed that the Schwartzwald Academy had burned down in the night. Killing its entire student body and staff. Despite these allegations, the site was rediscovered by early FOA agents following up on rumors of a "haunted mansion" in the woods in 1912. After initially being unable to find the source of the spatial anomalies within, the FOA formally turned the site over to the Authority in 1948.
I just have a couple questions about this section, it says "the site was rediscovered by early FOA agents following up on rumors of a 'haunted mansion' in the woods in 1912" so is this mansion what that picture is in the article or is it the school and also is this rediscovered site the academy? Basically what im asking is, did the Academy come back after being burned down?
RPC-661's anomalous traits manifest solely inside the main Schwartzwald building. Minor reality coherency fluctuations appear randomly throughout the site. These fluctuations manifest as a drop in coherency no greater than -1.0 on the ACS scale. Researchers have noted that these fluctuations appear as fuzzy and distorted dim lights. Due to the relatively safe nature of these reality inconsistencies, the Authority and its allies have used the site as a means to familiarize new researchers with reality-based anomalies.
I am not really sure what you mean by Coherency Fluctuations, can you explain what you mean and what makes this concept anomalous
In terms of rating I give this a 2/5, but there is a chance I can raise that rating up to a 5 depending on what you answer to my questions.
Harold K Caztovski
MI13
Military Intelligence Section XIII
IT'S NOT MI13, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
It's mildly implied that that specific section of the article was written prior to 1957 and the complete exploration of the dream space. Boom! Canonically accurate
Okay, first off, I just want to say I absolutely fucking love the writing put into this, the exploration documents are written beautifully and I love the absolute mammoth that this article is and what future lore could come of this.
Now that that's out of the way, my qualms about this piece:
In addition, all research teams permitted within RPC-661 must be checked for signs of fatigue or exhaustion. Medical staff are to issue transdermal stimulant patches capable of administering up to 200 mg caffeine to anyone entering the site. Personnel are also not permitted to be alone, lay down, or sit down for an extended period of time while in the main structure of RPC-661.
Now, see, I have yet to check most of the more recent critiques so I am unsure if this problem has been addressed yet. My main thing here is that I don't believe in the article there is logically sound reasoning for the signs of fatigue, exhaustion, or being alone not being allowed. Though I can see how these things might not be very good safety conditions considering we're dealing with an RPC such as this, I don't believe there to be(from what I read, might have missed something) much reasoning for them being outright barred within the procedures.
RPC-661 is the designation given to the abandoned Schwarzwald Academy located near ██████, Germany. The school, which ran from 1750-1897, was regarded as a prestigious academic and religious institution while in its prime. It served mostly the Prussian aristocracy with a curriculum focused primarily on Lutheranism, philosophy, and other Prussian ideals. However, in 1873, prominent occultist Abner Stuhr10 took over as the academy's Grandmaster. From this point on little is known about what happened at the academy until its closure in 1897. During Stuhr's reign, several notable figures had either disappeared from the grounds or left the school due to reports of "possible witchcraft." [See Addendum 661-01.]
Now I really do enjoy the use of a nicely detailed backstory leading into the dangerous anomaly we have presently. What I'm not so sure about is this:
How was it that it became wide belief that it had been burnt, yet it was found? Was it some kind of hoax or rumor that everyone believed to be true until memory of Schwarzwald had been long lost to the abyss? Or is there evidence for this not to be the case, and for the Academy to have reappeared through more paranormal means?
The continuation of this document has been restricted to level IV personnel and above by the order of Dir. Mason of Site-074. Personnel caught accessing this document without proper authorization may be subjected to immediate apprehension and administered A-1 amnestics. You have been warned.
Just a personal thing, but it seems that just a basic amnesia thing might be a little bit of a slap on the wrist considering the clearance required to get access to this article? Like I said, just a personal thing to think about when reviewing this article.
Honestly man, good fucking job. I really enjoyed this article and had fun reading it and wrapping my head around it. The open endedness of it does make it feel like there could be more and its been prepared slightly more towards supporting new stories off of it than its own, but that might just be because its such a slow read. Overall I'd say a 4/5.
Thank you for taking the time and critting this fat pig of an article!
My main thing here is that I don't believe in the article there is logically sound reasoning for the signs of fatigue, exhaustion, or being alone not being allowed.
This line right here "Following the instructions referenced above and throughout the various works, researchers began to discover shared dream-like visions between unconscious persons within RPC-661." was meant to imply that any individual who sleeps inside of RPC-661 enters XD-N01. Which has moderately lethal tendencies.
How was it that it became wide belief that it had been burnt, yet it was found? Was it some kind of hoax or rumor that everyone believed to be true until memory of Schwarzwald had been long lost to the abyss?
Since you weren't the first person to ask about this, I slightly reformatted this section to make it a bit clearer. You'll have to tell me what you think.
Like I said, just a personal thing to think about when reviewing this article.
I don't like portraying the Authority as over the top bad guys to their own staff. Especially since the prolonged use of amnestics has some pretty nasty side effects canonically. Though I think I'll change it to "A-2 amnestics".
Honestly, thank you again for taking the time to crit this.
General:
an eight-foot-tall fence is to be maintained around the property.
Convert to SI-unit (?)
are to be given Class 0 affiliation clearance
Level 0 Affiliate clearance
post anesthetization
post-anesthetization
Schwartzwald Academy
Schwarzwald
On October ██ 1897, local sources claimed that the Schwartzwald Academy had burned down in the night.
Suggest Change: Local sources claimed that the Schwartzwald Academy had burned down in the night on October ██ 1897.
on the ACS scale
"on the Anderson Coherency Scale" or "on the ACS"
("S" already meant Scale)
The Children of Nihil is a religious group
The Children of Nihil are religious groups
(I believed CoN is a term used to describe all of the Nihilist groups)
Cross the deep cold ocean into our Unbek Tief
Unbek-Tief
I parallel his ascension in only the most minute mannor.
manners
A group of phantoms brandishing the triangle — wishing to understand the nature of eyes spirals hopelessly against the infinite
— wishing to understand the nature of eyes —
They are a picture painted a thousand times over with only the slightest variation
variations
Story:
In addition, all research teams permitted within RPC-661 must not show any signs of fatigue or exhaustion.
I think this has less to do with the person showing "signs of fatigue or exhaustion" and more that they shouldn't be in that state of being at all, and that "all personnel permitted within RPC-661 must be checked for signs of fatigue or exhaustion"
Possibily there should be mentioning of purging all information regarding Schwartzwald Academy given that informaiton about it is still seemingly abundant.
RPC-661 is the designation given to the abandoned Schwartzwald Academy located near ██████, Germany.
It served mostly the Prussian aristocracy with a curriculum focused primarily on Lutheranism, philosophy, and other Prussian ideals.
This is the point where I would like to talk about LA-020 and may possibly stray off the topic:
LA-020 is written up by the now-banned user Chris Mohler. Given his German background, and the fact that Schwartzwald doesn't seem to mean anything, I believed Schwartzwald is a referring to the Black Forest, which the region was never officially held by Prussia other than its connection through the HRE and GC, which makes its Prussian influence/focus questionable. In addition the Black Forest Academy actually exists irl, so I'm suggesting that the name along with LA-020 be changed to something.
Forgive me if it feels like I'm looking to deep into that one name.
The body of Grandmaster Stuhr, alongside several books and journals detailing the cult's activities,
Never was Stuhr said to have affiliated himself with any cults, its not particulary clear which group it was referring to. Him and his students, the Nihilist or the Apoptozeits (which was introduced only after the mentioning of "cult")?
The logs
It wasn't very clear in the first 2 logs what happens at the conclusion of the log, if they immediately wakes up from there or it is just an abridged transcript.
Every plunge goes all the way through his skull and collides with the cage still fixed to his head
Wouldn't it collide with the cage first before reaching his head?
She was transferred to Site-008 where she perished after three days of intensive care.
I'm not sure if it was wise to bring her all the way to Site-008 regardless of the their position pioneer medicial technology. Either Site-155 or Site-074 would have suffice.
Once in his room, recovery teams discovered the agent's body among several info-hazardous inscriptions.
The characteristics falls in line with cognitohazards.
Thank you for taking the time to crit this beast. I've addressed most of your points except for just a few.
Suggest Change: Local sources claimed that the Schwartzwald Academy had burned down in the night on October ██ 1897.
I originally had it written just like this, but after reading it aloud several times the flow seemed to come out better once I changed it.
LA-020
We already talked about this on the discord. It's really not that important regardless (although Almarduk is right, looks way cooler with the T).
Wouldn't it collide with the cage first before reaching his head?
I was thinking of those early lamp post the end in almost a cross section, and the student is ramming his head against the spike like protrusion.
Either Site-155 or Site-074 would have suffice.
I personally like keeping sites tied to their unique specialties. Also, she's catatonic and stable at the time of transport.
The characteristics falls in line with cognitohazards.
If they were cognitohazards they would've affected the recovery team immediately upon entering the hotel room. You have to actively read an info-hazard. Unless I'm completely wrong on this, which is possible.
As it stands, this offers a plethora of possible lore developments. However, I really do feel like that's all the article has to offer. A +3 as it stands now, primarily because it feels empty-handed, like it depends entirely on what people will write afterward. This feels like one of those articles that relies entirely on future crosslinks. I understand the need to write RPCs for the purpose of expanding the lore, but it could be done in a far richer way here. Who is Abner Stuhr? What terrible shit has he done in the past? You really only mention the Apoptozeits in passing. It would be awesome to see them explored more. Give us a history of the cult and the academy before the logs, this article would really benefit from making the audience hate the Apoptozeits. Part of what made Micolash and the Choir work in Bloodborne was previous knowledge of the atrocities they committed, which only serves to make Micolash's snooze of a "boss fight" just weighty enough to keep the controller in my hand. Do that.
3/5
~Baubi
Added some additional contextualization. It may not have been exactly what you were looking for, but too much additional detail runs the risk of derailing the rest of the piece.