Hellbound: Prologue & Epilogue (Tale)
I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."
Hellbound: Prologue & Epilogue (Tale)
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» Hellbound: Prologue & Epilogue (Tale)
Summary:
Pretty self-explanatory.
The gentle waves of the bloody Tyrrhenian Sea rocked the hulls of the ANV Magdalene’s Tears ever so gently back and forth. This relatively old Authority Deep-Sea Surveyor boat was sure to just take itself apart any second now. The seasickness had gone away a few days ago. However, there was still this uncomfortable dangling sensation as if a piece of vomit had managed to lodge itself in her throat.
Change to
The gentle waves of the bloody Tyrrhenian Sea rocked the hull of the ANV Magdalene’s Tears ever so gently back and forth. This relatively old Authority deep-sea survey boat was sure to just rip itself apart any day now. The seasickness had passed days ago, but, there was still this uncomfortable dangling sensation, as if a piece of vomit had managed to lodge itself in her throat.
Reason: Flows better in the setting, more fitting when being descriptive of a ship, less personal and less tense sounding.
Investigator Kelly Connors had attempted to wash it down repeatedly with the purified water reserve of the ship. The ship was stocked with food to last at least three months at sea, so food supply shouldn’t be a problem.
Change To
Investigator Kelly Connors had attempted to wash it down repeatedly with the ships purified water reserve. This ship was stocked with supplies to last at least three months at sea, so being liberal with supplies was never really a concern.
Reason: You brought up water and the constant use of it. Don't change the topic from water to food, especially if it's not even a concern.
Nevertheless, Kelly and the rest of the crew still feared for their lives for the thing that lied beyond the fog. A large cataclysmic event was detected by their surveyor sensors at exactly high noon today. They would gladly inform the headquarters, only if it weren't for The Ping that had knocked out most of the major electrical components.
Change To
[Rewrite Section]. A large cataclysmic event was detected by their
survey sensors at exactly high noon today. They would have gladly informed headquarters, only if it weren't for The Ping that had knocked out most of their electrical components.
Reason: The start of the sentence doesn't flow well, saying "Nevertheless" means you're getting back on topic, but this is the first time you bring up the mission. The rest is just minor edits for better flow.
Confused: How did a ping knock out their signal equipment? If it has some sort of EMP effect, you may want to reference that
Statement: Surveyor is a job, so there can't be such a thing as "Surveyor Sensors", unless the Sensors are a type of AI, who's job it is to Survey.
Thankfully, the engine was still running, so at least they had lights, warmth and a comforting white noise. However, the event had an adverse effect on elderly humans: The Captain, the Chief Cook and the Master-at-arms all fell ill just shortly after The Ping.
Change To
They were thankful however, the engine was not effect by the Ping, so at least they had lights, warmth and a comforting white noise. Unfortunately, the event had an adverse effect on the elderly: The Captain, Chief Cook, and the Master-at-arms all fell ill just shortly after The Ping.
Reason: Using more emotion directed from and towards your characters, makes them feel more real.
I.e. Instead of it being "Thankfully" like they were lucky, have it be "they were thankful", like they knew they were lucky.
They weren’t sure if this cataclysmic event was related to the happenings over at the Mt. Vesuvius monastery, as Operation Sub-Vesuvia was over six months ago. The fear of dangerous anomalies wreaking havoc upon populated cities was practically gone.
Confused: I'm not familiar with the happenings of this situation, but this segment feels a bit forced in.
Suggestion: Maybe have one of the characters reference this "Operation Sub-Vesuvia", and then input this segment or just cut the segment and have them talk about it.
I.e. "Remember that mission we did a while back on Mt. Vesuvius, what if this is connected"
"The one at the Monetary?
"Yeah, that one six months ago!"
"Can't be connected, we totaled it. Not a single anomaly is coming from that place, I
guarantee it"
"Hope you're right, the thought of having the more populated cities dealing with those
kinds of things, don't want to even want to imagine it."
She had partaken in the investigations during her time up in the monastery and found zero relation to what was going on in the middle of the Tyrrhenian Sea today. Speaking of which, she was only aboard this ship because she was assigned to investigate a possible internal corruption within the ship’s rank—inconspicuously.
Suggestion: Same as above, try to convey this information in dialogue and/or connect it more to her character/personality.
Some advice: Always try to convey information as personally as possible. It'll make it seem less like exposition that audience will enviably ignore.
She had the cover story of an Authority Archive & Documentary personnel, assigned to document the crew’s morale and day-to-day activities. Now, they had lost contact with every possible connection on the radio with all of their magnetic compass spinning on its axis independently.
Change to
She had the cover story of an Authority Archive & Documentary personnel, assigned to document the crew’s morale and day-to-day activities, but now, they'd lost contact with every possible connection they had. What made maters even worse, their magnetic compass was spinning on its axis erratically.
Reason: "But Now" was to link the two different topics, one about spying the other about losing contact, otherwise they both feel disjointed. The rest is just to help it flow better add emphases to the weirdness of a compass spinning randomly.
Still, she had to maintain the masquerade; revealing her true identity could lead to some unfriendly encounters aboard the ship—and the fact that they will be stuck together on a hunk of scrap metal with an abundant source of stress just lying down a mile from them meant hostilities were guaranteed to occur.
Change to
Despite the bizzarity, she had to maintain the masquerade; revealing her true identity could lead to some unfriendly encounters aboard the ship—and the fact she'd be stuck on a hunk of scrap metal with an abundant source of stress, and a mountain of bad omens no more then a mile away meant hostilities were going to reach a boiling point to occur.
Reason: This situation is supposed to build tension, so I used more intensive language, while also not being too robotic in tone.
I.e. "Guarantee" is robotic and more mathematical, same with "Still" so I changed it too "reach a boiling point" and "Despite the bizzarity"
Confused: I'm unsure as to what they're afraid of a mile away. I assumed it was the Mountain, since they seem to have bad suspicions of it.
Note: This whole section could honestly be removed. It's better to show tensions escalating threw character dialogue alone, rather then outright stating it.
Right now, she was sitting down in the mess hall on a moistened cushion seat in front of a weathered yet sturdy oaken dining table. The room was dimly lit with only a single incandescent light hanging on a wire, gently rocking back and forth along with the ship. There were several other crew members present in the mess hall, including the Chief Engineer, a Deck Hand, the Third Mate and an approaching Boatswain.
Change to
She was sitting down in the mess hall on a moistened cushion seat in front of a weathered, yet sturdy, oaken dining table. The room was dimly lit with only a single incandescent light hanging on a wire, gently rocking back and forth. There sat several other crew members, including the Chief Engineer, a Deck Hand, the Third Mate and an approaching Boatswain.
Reason: To much info, most of which is redundant.
i.e. "gently rocking back and forth along with the ship" to "gently rocking back and
forth". The Reader already knows she's on a ship, and can understand why the
light would be swinging back and forth.
“We’ve only got whiskey.” She Boatswain offered her a glass of fine American whiskey.
Change to
“We’ve only got whiskey.” The Boatswain offered her a glass of fine American whiskey.
Confused: You mentioned earlier in the story they had a good supply of water, so why now do they now only have Whisky?
“Want a refill?” He offered.
“I shouldn’t but… okay.” She reached out her glass.
The Boatswain poured a sizable amount of the precious fermented malt into her glass and she downed it with a single gulp just like the first time. She thanked him and elected to be alone with her thoughts once again.
Confused: What…? How? Is this Boatswain not going to comment on this girl downing whole Glass(you mentioned glass, not a shot glass) of Whisky?
General Thoughts: Outside of dialogue, which is quite good, the events and information given come off as stilted and robotic. I'd really recommend change a lot of these descriptive chunks into dialogue segments since that seems to be more of your strong suit. Other then that, try setting the tone a lot more. If something is weird, use very weird wording. If the characters move to a new room describe the transition, ect.
Over all rating currently: 3.5/5
The ship was stocked in food
stocked with
The room was dimly lit with a only single incandescent light hanging on a wire
with only a
She Boatswain offered her a glass of fine American whiskey.
The
And maybe the 40% alcohol content had clouded her judgement skills
Perhaps consider just "judgement"
but never to dwell in it
on
I’ve partook in RPC-969’s initial containment
've partaken
She pored herself a shot's worth of whiskey and immediately downed it
poured
I'll tell about it later
talk about it
The tuned in crowd
tuned-in
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