Hellbound: Chapter 6 (Tale)
I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."
Hellbound: Chapter 6 (Tale)
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» Hellbound: Chapter 6 (Tale)
Summary:
The final chapter.
Text Chunk 1 -
[the pistols and rifles themselves were the instruments of death—but the bullets were the symphony itselves]
should be
[the pistols(Should specify which type of pistol) and rifles(specify the type of rifle) themselves were the instruments of death—but the gun shots were the symphony in it's self]
Text Chunk 11
[Kelly reached the metal-accented plastic door and loaded a fresh magazine into her pistol.]
should be
[Kelly reached the metal-accented plastic door and loaded a fresh clip into her pistol.]
[She depressed the slide release lever and the gun was hot once more.]
[She depressed the slide release and the gun was loaded once more.]
Reason: Using flowery wording only really works for dialoged, not for a description
Text Chunk 13
[However, he would need to be light on his foot]
[However, he would need to be light on his feet]
Text Chunk 14
[By the looks of the team’s faces, the demon hadn’t spotted him.]
Confused: How can he see their faces, are they not wearing gas masks, is there still not a good amount of gas in the air, and is this hallway not dark?
Text Chuck 15
[They kneeled on the white tiled floors.]
Confused: Multiple Floors?
[He closed the door but left a tiny little crack as to still acquire the target picture through the door.]
[He closed the door but left a tiny crack as to still acquire a target picture.]
Reason: Already said door.
Text Chuck 18
“Check your mags.” The team leader commanded; voice whisper-quiet. “I’ve got two left.”
“Three left.”
“Two left.”
“Two left.”
“Three left.” His team replied one by one.
“One left.” Keller said.
Note: Should actully develop these other nameless crew members. It's only 4 here, so it's not like there's too many.
Text Chuck 19
[Kelly ran her left hand through her left waist where she would usually tuck in a few extra magazines. She only felt her skin and bones pushing back. She had only packed two extra magazines. Her poor ammo conservation discipline led her to only having her last magazine locked and loaded.]
Confused: I don't understand this segment. This sounds unprofessional and not in tone or character with a skilled solider. It's not like soliders have to smuggle extra ammo into a combat engagement behind RPCs back, they would have planned for that already.
Text Chunk 20
[“As far as I can tell, the thing doesn’t have projectile capabilities, so as long as we keep our distance, we should be safe. I’ve ordered my boys to move in with the tanks as soon as I radioed in—don’t worry, I did;]
[“As far as I can tell, the thing doesn’t have projectile capabilities, so as long as we keep our distance, we should be fine. I'll order my boys to move in with the tanks as soon as I radio it in]
Reason: I'm a tad confused, so did he already call it in? he says "as soon as I", like he's about too. But he also says "don’t worry, I did". Also, you don't need the ; in that sentence.
Text Chuck 21
[two high-explosives and two smoke]
[two high-explosives and two smokes]
Text Chunk 22
[She said, confidence in her voice.]
[She said, confidently.]
Confused: Why is Anders confident in having explosives? Also, consider making her a fan of explosive weaponry or a demolition expert who enjoys or feels confident in using these types of weapons. It'd make more sense, and build a bit of character.
Text Chunk 23
[“If it’s anything like the demon we took down earlier, aim for its head.”]
Confused: What other demon?
Text Chunk 24
[They could hear several bumps, screams and bangs all throughout the regrouping session. A sinister background music, if they will. Truly the best focus booster available on the market.]
Statement: Not funny didn't laugh. Also, what do you mean all throughout the regrouping session? The session already ended, if this is supposed to set the tone of the scene, you should have placed it before they were counting their ammo.
Text Chunk 25
[After giving it a moment to think about, this staff lounge area was probably not the best safe area in the hospital: The windows leading to the outside garden were too small for a human clad in full battle gear to snugly fit through, nor were there any other exits available.]
Confused: What made them think about this? Can you set up a reason for them to ponder why the room would not be safe, like are they thinking about setting up traps or some sort of Evacuation point?
“No way.” Keller protested. “I’m staying here. Connors can go.”
She looked back at him, impressed by his courage that she might just lend her life to their hands. “I’m staying.” She said to Fox.
“Suit yourselves.” He picked up his rifle and readied it. “Ready your guns. We’re moving out.”
Confused: Connors from confinement, where did he come from? Ok a more serious note, this segment is confusing. Why is Keller telling Connors to go, and yet looking back at him impressed?
Text Chunk 36
[The team unlocked the safeties of their weapons one by one.]
Confused: Why? These are professionals, and the area is still hostile. They would not be putting their weapons on safety, even if they were regrouping.
Text Chunk 37
[They seemed to be wearing doctor’s scrubs. Definitely the hospital staff that took the same refuge as they do.]
[They seemed to be wearing doctor’s scrubs. Definitely the hospital staff that took the same refuge as they did.]
Confused: Did the team not just check this room and determine it not to be safe. So why did they not notice these doctors?
While there is more, I felt the need to stop here
Final Thoughts: This story needs more context and set up, and a lot of it. I feel like the story just starts already into the 2nd act, with no knowledge who these people are, where these demons come from, and why they are here. We also don't get a sense for the stakes, making the story feel a lot less driven. You also bring up characters at random, only naming them when important. This makes caring for them very difficult, as they mostly come off as blank slates. The situation also feels very unprofessionally handled on RPCs part. The main character and their female partner which are named from the beginning also feel like self inserts, but that can honestly be chocked up to the fact they're the only ones developed or go threw some emotional test.
TL;DR: Need more development in characters, story, and execution as well as more of a build up and a rising tension, would rate 2/5 Stars.
Grammar:
but the bullets were the symphony itselves
themselves
More of the unfortunate souls that had their minds warped suffered the wrath of Andrew’s Hellion.
Suggested Change: The warped minds of the unfortunate souls blinded them to the wrath of Andrew’s Hellion.
It had unknowingly stepped on an unconscious body, producing fine red mist just from the sheer force of it.
Suggested Change: Landing its next step onto an unconscious body, fine red mist bursted out as it was crushed.
smoke discharge from the rifle barrels
discharged
from a strategy
form
Fox, get your team back out there!
Based on the situation, it would be more appropriate that you use "here" instead of "there" to describe Keller's own position.
He closed the door but left a tiny little crack as to still acquire the target picture through the door.
the target picture a view
they were unsure if it was Andre’s demo
Andrew's
with most of the team up front
upfront
an increased activity of electrical surge in the lightss. The surge was seemingly following them
an increased in electrical surges in the lightss. The surges were
One of the more older looking staff suddenly fell into his knees
fell to his knees
in exception to this one unfortunate soul
Suggested Change: with the exception of
Additional ASF personnel moved in to the entrance.
into
some of his blows
its
a six-barreled M134 gatling gun
Gatling gun
Single drop of tear melted away from his left eye…
A single
She injected its contents to Kelly’s IV unit
into
Brother Verulus spoke to the nurse in italian.
Italian
Story:
Pearce stood by right next to him
This introduction of the character is off since it just abandoned your prior introduction of characters like Lance and Anders through the perspective of Conners
There was nothing up there. As if the demon had never manifested.
The demon was nowhere to be found.
Repeated essentially the same information in 2 paragraphs.
Ariete tanks and several armored personnel carriers waiting just outside
I seriously question any potential ways of suppressing the media from putting all of this on trend.
"Ha un pacemaker!" replied one of the nurses.
That man had a pacemaker; an electronic component embedded in his heart. Hearing those words sent a chill down Keller’s spine.
In all honesty the first pacemaker mentioning is enough to establish the problem. Maybe struckout "That man had a pacemaker; an electronic component embedded in his heart." entirely.
This entry just isn't as good, and I felt that the part where Kelly getting impaled on rebar just came out of left field. Since emerging from the old man's body, the demon just isn't established to be of any threat at all, sure it's big but the last chapter demonstrated how easy it is to repel it with bullets, not to mention its attack on F4 and the ASF similarly failed to land a hit on the people.
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