RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
Critique needed. Grammar mistakes I might've missed, context ideas that might need fleshing out, cock-and-ball-torture. Gimme the works!
RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
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» RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
Summary:
POSTED. PLEASE MOVE TO ARCHIVE:
A shiny rock that transmutes biological matter into 24k gold. Might be a meteorite. Might be an eldritch kidney stone.
Re: RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
Grammar:
Sweating, especially to an unusual degree as a symptom of disease or a side effect of a drug.
Sweating, especially to an unusual degree as a symptom of diseases or a side effect of drugs.
gold with a purity of 9.99%
When you said "9.99%" it is most likely supposed to be "99.9%".
all known video recordings of the event where subsequently scrubbed from his website.
where were
MST-Alpha-2 ("Maritime Praesidio Subvehi") was then tasked with retrieval of RPC-XXX.
the retrieval
with extraction of RPC-XXX
the extraction
finally successful
finally completed
Akiba was the first to rush through rubble
the rubble
the imposing limestone gateway that lead into the inner sanctum
leads
Akiba… he use to do wet work for the mob.
used to
where we're suppose to be
supposed
company called Nucorp
a company
At first I though
thouhgt
Its making our skin all shiny and metallic
It's
Story:
protocol RPC-XXX-T
I personally disagrees with the desgination because it would just be confusing for people in-universe as a sub-designation for an anomaly.
Mineral samples taken from RPC-XXX do not appear to retain any anomalous properties.
Move it below after you talk about the anomaly itself
Skin discoloration in the form of a "golden" rash, which appears to spread rapidly in a manner similar to gangrene.4 During this stage, subjects will begin to lose their sense of touch.
I assume the gangrene is the result of blood supply loss because the blood are being converted into gold. It would be interesting if the gold rash is just non-anomalous gangrene instead.
MST-Alpha-2 experienced approximately ███ casualties
The triple-digit casualty number just isn't realistic or acceptable.
There should probably be an rpc-916 reference with the time travel part.
I really liked what you did with the narrative, while the anomaly remains a part of the plot, it is ultimately just a small part of the anomalous community.
There is also the fact that the "Boss" seems to intentionally dumped the anomaly in Barbados, which implies he is some sort of temporal agents to maintain the timeline.
I am having reserves about Nucorp having time travelling technology though, which would be solved if the above theory is correct.
Unfold
Re: RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts" by 
TTPY, 14 Aug 2020 03:15
Re: RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
Thanks for the crit! I implemented it into my latest draft. I agree on the Nucorp reference, I'm on the fence myself but Nucorp seems like the best candidate, lore-wise, to produce prototype time-travel technology.
I did add in a subtle reference to RPC-916 as well. Great suggestion. I was having a hard time coming up with an explanation for the Boss character's latent knowledge and 916 fills that role perfectly.
Re: RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
Bumping for visibility. Need ONE MORE crit. Willing to do Crit4Crit. Just send a DM.
Re: RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
eight (8)
Redundant numbering is redundant
RPC-XXX resembles an oblong chunk of metal
Since it is a metal, say that RPC-X is rather than resembles
Good work. Very solid article with a time travel plot that makes sense. Isidro is actually interesting and carries the first addendum smoothly to the end. I'd like to see more of his time travel adventures with his boss. That you should be proud of. Not a lot of articles can have interesting characters who I would like to see more of. 5/5 from me
Re: RPC DRAFT: Fool's Gold! or "The Authority's Unethical Solution to Budget Cuts"
I appreciate the feedback. Your critique has been implemented into the final iteration of the article which is now RPC-770!
I'm happy to hear that you also enjoyed the content itself. I do have a few other RPC ideas in mind that will tie into the whole 'time-traveling thieves' theme. Here's hoping I can pull those off too.
/forum/t-13639836/rpc-draft:fool-s-gold-or-the-authority-s-unethical-solution#post-