Thunder in Thường Phước.
how do pronounce this
soaking the gunfire
soaking in the gunfire
The anomalous heroes of the Righteous Central Protection Authority.
this is an odd way to say it, but I'm assuming this is meant to be her thoughts so that's probably ok
a slight girl, smaller still under a low-drawn hood
weird wording
Paxton Grail
is this a reference to Saxton Hale?
a sidenote- there hasn't been much in the way of description as to where the characters actually are physically, other than being in the china wasteland
the jungle thickets
I thought it was a wasteland?
Armor wasn't fair, damn it - the arc had crimped her spikes' velocity, she needed a clear shot.
I know these are protectors and I know they're also like, teenagers, but their thoughts in a life or death combat situation with armed rebels seem a lot less life or death than I'd expect
Gunfire thundered again, echoing painfully-loud in her ears.
that said the little bits like this serve to make it realistic even when the characters are treating it like a dodgeball game
It took her a moment - Peony looked down, found her legs were shot up. Another moment and she collapsed into the undergrowth, rolling through needles and out of sight. Ouch.
ouch seems like an understatement for being mutilated and crippled
The red you're dead light blinked on the fancy training thing strapped to her chest.
oh, so it was just superhero capture the flag? neat, but the transition between making the audience think it's real and simulation could've been more pronounced
it does explain why she gets crippled for life and just makes roblox death sound though
gunshot | left leg | right leg
this could use some le special formatting or something to differentiate it from the normal prose
Their academy's training programme borrowed space at a nearby urban arboretum. Lovely pine forest.
nitpicking again, but: first it was a wasteland, then it was a jungle, now it's a pine forest
He loved it when one of his student Protectors had some insight into the culture of conventional Secforces. Which, in practice, was only Peony.
(((CHARACTER)))
Right idea - frankly, against a trained guy a gun you should always be playing defense-
I don't know what "a trained guy a gun" is supposed to be
Remember, guy with a gun has to get you once.
suggestion: make it "guy with a gun only has to get you once."
In my Service days if a chopper went down at the start, grabbing some pissant local warlord, that's prolly a mission kill right there.
realism, yey- but that makes me wonder why a soldier is training superheroes in the first place
after all, their tactics would probably be pretty different
"What?" he asked, the reference - to his own life, no less - briefly lost. "Oh - what, the clothier visit, 'bout your costumes? How'd you - yeah - yeah, pretty much.
the amount of " - " there are in this one line of dialogue makes me think the character has a serious medical stutter
Shoulder pauldrons
nice callback
Saragossa
the vapor has become liquid- but it'd be nice to hear a description of saragossa in the tale, to avoid confusion. this comment will be very embarrassing if there is one later and I'm retarded
Poor Ridge just stood there taking it, shoulders slumped till the delight died down
add period
Could still see her friend's mouth, twisted into a small smile.
So they told a story.
recommend changing to the story instead of a story
It had been a grey day in some coastal city. Harsh concrete woven through sandstone and glass, red neon lights and bright multicolored carpets, laundry rustling and snatches of conversation wafting in the breeze…
better description of an rcpa city than my own series based entirely around describing rcpa cities
Someone had called it "escher architecture", she'd seen the paintings and it was true.
recommend reword to:
"Someone had called it "escher architecture", then she'd seen the paintings to know it was true."
Oh-ays
I hope you tell us what OA means eventually
Free China was halfway across the continent
yes! finally getting to know where they actually are!
The teachers wrapped up their argument.
were wrapped up
Meet up by the big statue of Sebastian del Bosque at the hour. Good luck.
I know who this is, but the average reader would just be confused by yet another unknown name in a tale already brimming with enough names and acronyms to make liber have a toaster lore-gasm
but a Pyramid this big, there might be smaller staff canteens squirreled into the maint tunnels, it might just be hopeless.
recommend: add a "where" after the first comma
Giant pot of rice the corner
in the corner
I'm just mai-ay-ntenance girl, oh honey now giiiive me whirl, down through the vo - voli… how'd that song go?
is this a made-up song or what, because if it's not made-up that's genius
She wouldn't make it six cim as an Oh-ay, act like a pushover and the kids would just…
what does six cim mean
She reached up and drew her hood back, revealing a third eye set into her forehead. Bloodshot and a little bigger than the normal two it focused on Peony, sending a shudder down her spine.
"Cool. Whatsit do?"
amazingly rcpa-appropriate response
granola trooper
official central callsign worthy of the battlefield gods
these are M-type cigs. Sentry issue, they don't make 'em anymore.
more names for things we don't know about, but I appreciate the slight explanation this time
"This is - this is, kind of good. But what's an Oh-ay?"
FINALLY
'What's that? Vox zit?'
vox zit?
"Okay!" Peony said, abruptly springing from her seat. "I'm gonna leave, then come back, and we start over! Pretend I never said that. Actually - pretend we never met. Bye!"
you have managed to transcribe an exact moment from every living human's teenage years, good job on depicting it so realistically
A monster, a "cyborg" she corrected herself charitably. All metal and woven basket-shoulders and discs-within-discs hovering or linked by chains. Half melted head, Central logo tattooed on bare skin (there wasn't much), a great pneumatic trident clutched in crystal weave hand replacements.
and then abrupt shift from teenage drama straight to Warhammer techpriest, jesus
"Of course," the Protector rumbled in reply. "Good luck. Protector Program made me the man I am today."
as someone who knows a good deal of the rcpa lore on fantastic showcase in this tale, the nigh-instant tone shift from scrappy teenage protectors to a veteran protector is a perfect recreation of all that bygone vapor lore in the discord - bravo
"You spoke to him," Magnolia said. "Like it was nothing."
"It's not that cool," Peony rolled her eyes, also out of view. "Come on."
and then another instance of showing us how not weird that insane encounter actually was in this world, thankfully through the lens of another character
I take back a lot of what I said at the beginning, it seems like your character writing skill level is tied to the word count and just gets better as this thing gets longer
And she was just talking now, just saying anything. "Two flowers, huh. Feels like fate…"
good callback to what's technically the future
"Wha- can you read my mind?" Peony demanded, waving a hand in front of the third eye. Magnolia flinched pretty bad - whoops. Better be more careful with that.
I mean, wasn't it presented earlier that she literally could
"Yeah, I think so." Might help her to hear this. "And - hey, if I ever hear a word I don't know, or like, have a feeling I can't describe. I'll find you, okay?"
(((character development)))
And into the dizzying sanctum that Peony could never remember clearly from this day forward.
And there were four humming pillars wrapped in chains in the corners: AUBRACHT-Pyl.
And before stood an obelisk under bas-relief sculpted into every wall (all sixteen of them you could easily see).
is the repetition of 'and' intentional? if so, it definitely works to show the simultaneous monotony and insanity of the pyramid
Most of the students looked normal, but there was a blue-skinned girl,
hehe
And the other… was the bok-flicking Secforce trooper from the canteen.
is 'bok-flicking' another new phrase or a typo
You will not be punished nor pursued, that is my word."
I know this isn't stated anywhere, but I somewhat instantly get the impression that there's some seriously 1984 "lie without lying" going on in that sentence
"You swear to the Central Protection Authority: faithful service, a keen mind, and a stout heart."
would this not be a good time to say the full righteous title, if not just to nail home the righteous part
That will change, you'll learn - and thank God I have nothing to do with that."
And the Director actually smiled.
don't know if this is intentional, but that's an oddly unsettling mental image for some reason
Another pause. Peony had never thought of that way.
thought of it
Peony's mind wandered, drawn to a similar memory after their swearing-in two months ago…
I know I skipped over like an entire scene between the first and last quote, however honestly that scene was just perfect for what it sought to achieve
that said, this transition from present to past is a little abrupt and forced
Wow. Most train views sucked, just smog and whatever. And she knew the city was dirty and grey from the street. But she would remember this view her whole life, the perfect ending to the day she became a Protector- and she would've slept through it!
again I love the contrast between the new and the previously established view of the RCPA - the dirty grimy streets being still present, but viewed through a wholly different and more optimistic lens this time around
Okay, a bit much. "That was kinda sappy," Peony groused. "But still."
and then I love the immediate and needed lampshading of exactly what I just said
Over a great concrete span the Central line took them out and away from shore, out and away to sea.
a good ending to a good tale - but I find myself absentmindedly wondering if this is in any way a reference to one of your other unfinished drafts, also about a young girl protector and a sea?
