My Cair Aisling entry. Shout out to all the good folks who provided critique, both on this site and on discord.
Side note: The art is not my own. All credit goes to the respective artist.
Image was taken from pngguru.com - a free resource website that provides various forms of clip art for non-commercial use.
The perfect blend of humor and horror. Something we can all connect to. 5 with no reservations.
Would 5-star, but my vote is lowered to a 4 because of the following:
blabbo
Thanks for the feedback! I revised my article in comparison to your suggestions and implemented some of them as needed.
Now then, for some retorts of my own:
How did the Authority get an eyewitness who just happened to be quite good at art, and draw a very detailed piece of art as a "sketch"? You gotta think about the image; if it makes sense in-universe, and whether or not it adds anything to the article.
I'd like to think that the RPC operatives questioned quite a few locals within Thievesport and got a hold of a few sketches made by eyewitnesses. They simply chose to use the 'best' sketch out of the bunch. I mean, sure the citizens of Cair Aisling are NPCs in a sense but I don't think they see themselves as NPCs. As far as they know, they're all 'real' and thus have their own varied personalities and hobbies. I mean, we're talking about a pocket dimension centered around high fantasy that suddenly appeared on an island without warning! If such a thing is possible in this world then who's to say that an elf who works as a baker isn't also an enthusiastic artist on the side? Baking bread is hard work and he needs a hobby to de-stress after a long day of manning the ovens!
"monitor all activity on ██████████.net until 20██." is confusing. Like my point above, how are researchers supposed to know what year the monitoring should be stopped if they can't even read it?
I did go ahead and change the redacted site to site-007, you made a valid point there and I feel site-007 is the best option, both geographically and in a pragmatic sense. HOWEVER. I stand by my decision to keep the year blotched out. Why? Well, I'd like to think that within the Authority there are some bits of info that are on a 'need to know' basis. It's all part of the bureaucratic secrecy that makes the Authority work like a slick, sexy, well-oiled machine. If you aren't part of MST X-Ray-6 "Annullifiers" then you don't need to know when their assigned task will end. Simple as that.
Once again, thanks for the feedback. Always appreciated.
I think it proves my point if you respond with lengthy explanations (That a reader wouldn't even know if you didn't explain it in your post) in order to justify your choices in writing.
Also, why the fuck did you make the Registered Phenomena Code smaller and brighter than all the other headings? How did you interpret my post?
blabbo
I think it proves my point if you respond with lengthy explanations (That a reader wouldn't even know if you didn't explain it in your post) in order to justify your choices in writing
Choices in writing? We're discussing the picture I decided to use in the article. Nothing to do with the writing itself. I think my point went over your head though. What I'm saying is that the origin of the sketch is moot and does not merit its own detailed explanation. The sketch is a simple prop. The only thing the reader needs to know is that it came from a (surprisingly talented) eyewitness.
Also, why the fuck did you make the Registered Phenomena Code smaller and brighter than all the other headings? How did you interpret my post?
I adjusted it again. It looked fine on my crappy monitor. Not sure what to tell ya. If you still see something off about it though, feel free to make adjustments. I ain't the most code savvy guy. Thanks for letting me know.
Hi! To all mobile-using site members/casual readers who is experiencing the same bug which dislocates the position of this page to an awkward one. I suggest to reload the page or read in portrait mode.
This happens on every page with module CSS like this occasionally; if bug persists I suggest downloading a browser that is compatible with HTML5 coding, thank you for reading this!
(Oh and umm +5)
O/
Fucking 5 stars my guy, good use of an outside force affecting CA without making it retarded, great job.
This article has some issues with clunky wording. As an example, this quote could be cut down a lot to be more concise.
Due to the circumstantial nature of RPC-360, traditional containment methods have been deemed to be ineffective at the time of this document's inception.
It could be shortened down to this:
Due to the circumstantial nature of RPC-360, traditional containment methods have been deemed ineffective.
At this time there appears to be no viable method to subdue RPC-360-B and all attempts at communicating with the entity have failed to yield palpable results. Interviews with the inhabitants of Thievesport suggest that RPC-360-B is an entity commonly known as a wraith. According to information provided by a native blacksmith, wraiths are susceptible to weapons forged from "Celestial Orichalcum", a type of thaumaturgic alloy that can only be obtained from meteorites that land in Cair Aisling. Due to the scarcity of such metals, it is currently impossible to test the validity of this claim.
This paragraph shouldn't be in the containment protocols. It's got way too much information that isn't directly about containing the anomaly.
RPC-360 is the designation given to the recurring phenomena
phenomenon*
To date, Authority assets have discovered a total of 6 deceased instances of RPC-360-A during routine visits to Thievesport.
Why Thievesport specifically? That seems like it came out of nowhere.
Forensic research into the identities of the deceased has revealed that they are all individuals who were officially documented as missing shortly before being discovered within Cair Aisling. Due to these circumstances, it can be theorized that instances of RPC-360-A are not native to Randolph Gowering's fictional setting.
This is very redundant with the first paragraph of the description. Remove it.
Additional evidence suggests that an individual residing beyond the boundaries of Cair Aisling may be unknowingly transporting these instances into the spatial anomaly through the use of anomalous "fan fiction" scenarios.
What the hell does that mean? This is super unclear.
This theory is further supported
Cut out all this stuff about "theories". It's so dull. It's dragging the whole description down. Just say everything strait.
This, in turn, lead to Authority assets launching
led*
an English professor whom had been reported as missing since 9/25/20██.
who*
Overall, the article didn't really go anywhere. The red text in the table felt weird and unexplained. All I could get out of the article was that there was some anomalous internet user who got pissed off at people in a writing forum and sent them to cair aisling to die, for some reason. This is a 2 star for me. If you fixed a lot of my issues with grammar and such, I'd 3 star it.
Also, the page's theme is fucky on mobile. It cut off a chunk of the table, making it unreadable. I would remove the theme.
I appreciate the feedback, Viz. I went ahead and did away with the theme. More trouble than it's worth. There's a few things I don't agree with but for the most part, you made some very valid points. I went ahead and 'trimmed' some of the fat off parts of the article.
Why Thievesport specifically? That seems like it came out of nowhere.
Why not Thievesport? It's got human ghettos. It's the perfect spot for a string of serial murders involving humans.
Cut out all this stuff about "theories". It's so dull. It's dragging the whole description down. Just say everything strait.
The word "theory" is literally only used once in the entire article. What's the problem? The Authority isn't some omniscient entity. They don't fully understand half the shit they deal with. It's not out of place for them to come up with "theories" when they lack sufficient understanding on a particular RPC.
The red text in the table felt weird and unexplained.
Yes.
Again, thanks for the crit. I'm always looking to improve and you have a knack for brutally honest feedback.
It’s been months, Cair Aisling is over, and here I am putting thoughts on something I rated a long time ago.
It’s good, mind you, the tone is fine and it’s humorous when it needs to be, scary when it needs to be, etcetera. The red text in the addendum was… I was confused at first, but then I understood. I ain’t gonna spill the beans cause it’s nice to figure it out yourself. Overall, it’s just a 4 and not a 5 because as good as it is, I still feel like there could be something else, expand this little mystery, make it more interesting, funkier.
Marco Marchi B. Mark
(account deleted)