Vlad The Impala
Vlad The Impala
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Going from the top:
Currently, one instance of RPC-XXX is being kept in high-security containment for permanent study.
It might be nice to mention in what manner it is being contained, and what if any containment protocols should be followed for this lone specimen.
All new RPC-XXX instances are to be terminated by use of sustained heavy gun fire towards the engine area.
Does it specifically have to be heavy gunfire? Or does the engine simply need to be destroyed through any means? I would also recommend the word 'focused': "..heavy gunfire focused on the engine compartment." (Explosives sufficient?)
MST November-7 (Hammer the Gamma) members are currently being stationed near garages and car businesses while undergoing covert operations to detect any instances of RPC-XXX.
There are a lot of garages in the world - to watch every one would require a million-strong MST. This line is also a little ambiguous to me about if N-7 is doing this as their day job or a side job while deployed.
Because of RPC-XXX's aversion towards garlic, and the effect it has on bringing down instances, all agents assigned to hunting RPC-XXX are to bring 2 pounds of garlic with them.
You make a repeated error that I begin noticing at this line: You seem to refer to RPC-XXX in the singular or individual instead of the generic or multiple - or at least that's how I'm reading it. Remember that RPC-XXX describes a class of vampiric Chevy Impalas, not a specific single Vlad the Impala the Authority has locked up somewhere.
Crucifixes made out of wood are also to be equipped in the event operatives are required to come near it in order to subdue it, as are other symbols related to Christianity which RPC-XXX will attempt to avoid coming within 5 meters of when not hunting.
I would probably replace "are also to be equipped [in the event operatives]" with "are to be issued to operatives [in the event they]". But this is primarily a personal choice of diction, I think. I would also replace "come near it in order to subdue it" with "approach within 5 meters of the instance in order to neutralize it." I do use neutralize instead of subdue - the Authority intends to kill these things, as you lay out earlier. Not capture. 'Destroy' would also work. "as are other symbols related to Christianity which RPC-XXX will attempt to avoid coming within 5 meters of when not hunting" <- this sentence reads rather clunkily to me. "RPC-XXX instances will attempt to avoid these and other holy symbols related to the Christian faith when not hunting.1 Typically attempting to keep a distance of 5 or more meters between itself and the nearest holy symbol(s)."
RPC-XXX is a black Chevrolet Impala that from the outside view, appears standard.
Singular again. There are more than one of these, right? I would also state "does not appear to possess anomalous properties" instead of "appears standard."
RPC-XXX is in fact a predatory organism that targets warm-blooded animals but will primarily target humans.
"RPC-XXX is in fact a predatory hemovore which exclusively targets warm-blooded animals with a strong preference for human prey."
RPC-XXX is sentient, possessing intelligence equal or greater than that of an orangutan.
The Authority is dead sure this thing possesses orangutan-level intelligence? Not merely mostly sure?
RPC-XXX possesses various anomalous properties that it can utilise, notably utilising certain properties during hunting and/or escaping.
I would say "has a number of anomalous properties it can utilize for both hunting and escaping pursuit."
RPC-XXX displays force, speed and durability that is far above the average for a vehicle of its design and is heavily resistant to standard firearms and able to drive at 310 mph.
What does force mean here? Also, why no mention of acceleration? I would recommend listing this as: "displays torque, acceleration, maximum speed and chassis durability far in excess of a non-anomalous Chevy Impala. The entire entity also displays extreme resistance to firearms."
You can segue that into talking about its maximum recorded speeds, highest known acceleration, ability to tow a tank over asphalt, etc.
RPC-XXX displays abilities common to those found in Vampiric Folklore including the ability to quickly generate new material over damaged parts of itself and exhibit limited control over the minds of humans1 RPC-XXX's most notable anomalies are its ability to transform between its current form to a Royal Enfield Interceptor Motorcycle2 and a Eurocopter EC135.
This sentence feels a little clunky to me. Is the new material always generated over damage parts, or are damaged parts replaced? Add a period after "..minds of humans". Instead of "notable anomalies" i recommend "notable abilities" or "notable anomalous abilities." You also state 'current form' - i recommend stating 'Chevrolet Impala' there. To make it clear it's transition from a Chevy Impala to other forms - this also helps make it less singular. Also any vampiric folklore particular to a given region? It seems like a standard DnD/Stoker/Rice vampire in car form. Which isn't quite a folkloric vampire if my knowledge holds, although I could be wrong.
It's second notable anomaly is that upon attacking another Chevrolet Impala to a certain degree, that will also transform into an instance of RPC-XXX.
This sentence feels rather clunky. 'That' will transform - state "the attacked Chevrolet Impala will transform.." or so. Also to what degree? Does it carry out this car mauling in any specific way? When a Chevy Impala is attacked does its coloration change? Oh, and you use 'It's' - that is 'it is'. Use 'its' - that means that what you're speaking of belongs to it. Which is also an error - remember you're speaking of a class of things. There are more of them out there. This isn't a singular Vlad the Impala, it's multiple vampire impalas.
RPC-XXX's common methods of subduing prey targets include ramming into them or using its ability to take control over a subject's consciousness and bring them towards it.
This sentence feels very clunky somehow. I'm not sure how to fix it though.
RPC-XXX will then proceed to open its side doors and then will eject these into the prey's skin where they will begin extracting blood from the prey. Autopsy reports on dead instances of RPC-XXX reveals that the blood extracted is sent towards the fuel tank.
It ejects its doors from its chassis? I apologize, but I am unable to get a clear understanding of what mental image you mean to get across in the first sentence aside from the Chevy Impala somehow teleporting blood out of people. For the latter sentence: I would recommend "has revealed" and "is stored in the fuel tank."
If I have more time today I'll take a look at the Addendum and logs, and edit or reply to this post as appropriate.
Footnotes
1. RPC-XXX does not display a preference on sect. For example: Catholic relics and symbols have been observed to be equally as effective as Protestant relics and symbols.
Grammar:
##red|Gamma-Red##
Use EB1C23 instead to match with the colour of the object classs
by use of sustained heavy gun fire towards the engine area.
via concentrated gunfire at the engine area.
possessing intelligence equal or greater than that of an orangutan
equal to or greater than
It's second notable anomaly
Its
that will also transform into an instance of RPC-XXX
will transform said vehicle into another instance of RPC-XXX
RPC-XXX hunts during hours where there is little to no sunlight
RPC-XXX hunts nocturnally in areas which has is little to no sunlight
Autopsy reports on dead instances of RPC-XXX reveals that
reveal
hand't taken notice of the operatives.
hadn't
i'll fire a couple of rounds into it
I'll
[interview 2]
A lot of the dialogues are missing periods
N-Cap turns the engine off after find a place to hide in
finding
Overall this mission was a success
is
Story:
I needed the money as a gift for my grandchildren
Why would Mr. Ledinburgh need that money if he already have enough to buy an Impala for augmentations which definitely is not provided by the cult since it was only a mistake on Ledinburgh's part.
The idea of a vampriric car is interesting, you did your best to create the equivalent aspects for the anomaly yet you did not go far enough and end up making the anomalies feel arbitrary, one such example's would be the fact that they still hunt humans for blood while also converts cars into vampires. Other examples, would be the plain usage of garlic, wooden stakes and christian symbols instead of finding creative equivilants for the anomaly. You can also add onto the reasonings for their behaviour instead of just simply ruling the cause to be the vampiric folklore they're based on, something like the aversion to the sun could perhaps be because whatever composed them have a significantly lower melting point, and from their simple addition brings more ideas that you can go with.
I wasn't planning to use periods in the speech logs but I decided to add them, I forgot.
Also I don't think there's really any "Car Equivalent" towards vampire weaknesses, but I think keeping the one where they convert cars into vampires is fine, if you mean hunting humans for blood then I want to keep that because it adds to the whole "Creepiness" factor, otherwise the article would lose its sense of horror.
Also these are European, Sunlight isn't going to hurt them.
/forum/t-13549338/vlad-the-impala#post-