~Baubi
Critic Time
traditional technology is unable to be utilized for purposes of containment.
Critic’s Note: I’d shorten the sentence to
traditional technology is unable to be utilized for containment purposes.
An outpost has been established directly north of RPC-186-1's entrance
Critic’s Note: There’s nothing wrong with this sentence, but I’d add how far exactly the outpost is from the entrance of RPC-186-1.
skull is similar to that of a Megaloceros giganteus
Critic’s Note: Add a footnote after Megaloceros giganteus explaining what it is.
skull is similar to that of a Megaloceros giganteus1
RPC-186 has the ability to lift objects weighing more than 5000 pounds.
Critic’s Note:** Convert to metric. Here I’ll do it for you.
RPC-186 has the ability to lift objects weighing more than 2267.9 kilograms.
According to RPC-186 itself, the entity belongs to a race of semi-divine bipeds called "archdragons,"
Change to:
According to RPC-186, the entity belongs to a race of semi-divine bipeds called "archdragons,"
An archdragon I am.
Change to:
I am an archdragon
Gael is five foot four.
Critic’s Note: Nothing wrong here, but I’d suggest doing something creative here. This is a fantasy land, they probably have a completely alien measuring system than our own. Make something up.
Methinks a curse be meddlin
Change to:
Me thinks a curse be meddiin
Critic’s Comment: I like the dark lord concept you got going here. At the moment I think I would give it a 3/5. If I can ask you a favor, can you take some time to Crit a small draft I have.
and has no effect on most organisms which come into contact with it
It is unclear if the flames are simply non-anomalous or they literally don't burn you.
spectral fire
I wouldn't consider the spectral fire as a spacial anomaly unless their black forms are considered the original state they are in, and that they instead turns into non-anomalous flames when not approached by RPC-186
Approximately 700 thaumaturgical runes have been carved into the sediment along the spacial anomaly's edges, resembling those found in the Spirelands.
The event thus far had been unclear what the magic system is, whether the inhabitants of the continent uses standard thaumaturgy or their own system instead, articles like the golem one suggested the latter, which is just confusing.
[+] Initial Contact with RPC-186
The spectral fire described is missing from the record
Strauss went on to tell him a fantasized story about the 2019 Site-014 Disaster. With knights and dragons and everything, as to make it believable. RPC-186 gobbled it up. As insensitive as it was, it worked.
Clinical tone is lacking
August 18, 2020 (interview 3)
in addition to repeating the date of interview 2, interview 4 reference Locke "wait a day for him to cool down", so the date should have been 19
their lackluster behavior
behaviors
Ate their blood
Drank (which is written as such from previous lines)
a passion project
wording feels off compared to the rest of the dialogues
The nilhi inclusion while brings up interesting implications, isn't really foreshadowed other than maybe 2 lines. It also muddled the timeline of events, as it implies Gowering created the archdragons in his later books while RPC-186's thorough history suggested otherwise. It also brought into question exactly how the involvement of nilhi bring about the creation of Cair Aisling.
An outpost has been established 34 metres north of RPC-186-1's entrance, where personnel are instructed to dwell when researching RPC-186.
Instructing Authority personnel to "dwell" seems strange, and not too fitting with clinical tone. Perhaps "reside" would fit better?
In RPC-186's possession is a large cloak composed of pelt, and a walking staff composed of bone.
Two points:
1. Pelt is how one refers to skin that hasn't been dressed yet, that is it hasn't been tanned for preservation. If that's intentional, then disregard, but you may want to make it clear the skin is raw/rotten. If it's unintentional, then just call it fur.
2. "a large pelt cloak" makes more sense than "a large cloak composed of pelt". It would be like referring to a leather jacket as being "composed of leather", it just doesn't make sense.
According to RPC-186, the entity belongs to a race of semi-divine bipeds called "archdragons," of which were rendered extinct by the Empire during a war which took place over a century before the Corrupting Wars.
A species isn't really extinct if you're actively talking to a member of it.
I quite liked this, and if you address these issues I'd consider this a 5 star article. Good job!
An outpost has been established 34 metres north of RPC-186-1's entrance, where personnel are instructed to dwell when researching RPC-186.
"dwell" seems like a weird word to use here. A bit nonclinical.
Its skull is similar to that of a Megaloceros giganteus4, measuring 0.2 meters across.
metres*
RPC-186 is covered in a thick layer of grey, matted fur, and has never which has not been observed shedding or growing past 24 centimetres.
weighing more than 2267.9 kilograms
This is a stupidly specific number. Go with an approximation. It's not like any accurate weighing device would work within the island.
In addition to the organism's abnormal strength, RPC-186's stomach has been determined to house houses an anomalous flame, with orange light produced by it being clearly visible from within RPC-186's throat and stomach.
Embers and smoke are regularly observed expelling from RPC-186's mouth and nostrils as it breathes.
Cut out all this "regularly observed" and similar crap throughout the draft. It doesn't add anything and clogs up the article. "Embers and smoke are regularly expelled from RPC-186's mouth" works just fine.
RPC-186 claims that its staff is a dysfunctional "magical catalyst," where a "Philosopher's stone" was once situated at its tip.
a war which took place over a century before the Corrupting Wars
This is really ambiguous. Did the war take place more than a hundred years before the Corrupting Wars? Or did the war last a hundred years and happened at some unspecified time before the Corruption Wars?
Suspended 3 metres below RPC-186-1's mouth is a flat, spacial anomaly, appearing as a wall of spectral fire stretched along the rim of the sinkhole on a flat axis.
brought to the Authority's attention
There's nothing inherently wrong with this line but I've read it so many times that it gives me a headache. I would change it up a bit.
elderly dwarven woman
There are no female Dwarves. I would change this to an elderly human woman. Hell, maybe a gnome woman. That'd be pretty funny. I don't think anyone's used gnomes yet. They'd be the shitty, organic version of Dwarves.
…When I arrived at this so-called "Dark Barrier," I was admittedly surprised at how big it was.
The ellipsis at the start is kind of confusing. If you're trying to show that this is an excerpt of something, I would put "[…]" on its own line above the start of the text.
The sides were made of jet black brimstone, like the kind of lava stone people dig up in Hawaii.
At first, I read this as "lava stone people", as if it was some Cair Aisling race, and I got confused. Maybe change "stone" to "stones" and I think that would make it clearer.
I must have descended for a good half hour before my boots touched the fortress.
gnarly-looking
I think you could drop "looking" from this.
That's another thing, he wouldn't stop calling us "sonny."
I think these notes would read better if they were in footnotes. It's kind of confusing having them in-line in the log.
RPC-186: "Of course I remember that. 'Twas me kingdom, a place for archdragons alike to hide from the elfs (sic)."
The correct formatting for sic would be in brackets, with the brackets not italicized. So like this:
RPC-186: "Of course I remember that. 'Twas me kingdom, a place for archdragons alike to hide from the elfs [sic]."
You people ask alot 'a questions.
a lot*
I thoughts we were here to talk about adventure and treasure, but I feels like I been captured by 'umies again.
All of a sudden it seems like he has an accent. It's jarring. I would edit his previous lines of dialog to include some accent stuff here and there.
I don't mind it, but is obnoxious.
it's*
Strauss went on to tell him a fantasized story about the 2019 Site-014 Disaster. With knights and dragons and everything, as to make it believable. RPC-186 gobbled it up. As insensitive as it was, it worked.
Feels a bit too nonclincal. I think there's some leeway since it's a log but this goes too far.
"And this "America," does it still stand?"
Quotes within a quote should be apostrophes.
I've ever lied me eyes upon.
laid*
The called me dark
They*
RPC-186: "Egypt?"
Denick: "An island! It's, well, it's a big desert, and it's always really hot there. Isn't that right, Marvin?"
I think it'd be really funny if they fumbled and had to say that Egypt was in America to explain it.
"Exaltia expanded south, started an empire. Then there was a rebellion. Humans and orcs, workin' together, buildin' forts on the Wethirian isles. 'Twas hell down there. I saw it meself. Any ways, Igridos was set to be the new king. He was fat, greedy, ripe as a hog. I couldn't bear to see it, but there was no choice. He was chosen to go down south 'n round the rebels up. Took pleasure in torture— se, that was 'is favorite part. Scoundrel.
I would cut out "Any ways". It completely kills the momentum after he says it was hell.
"This "Dark Lord's superstition," I assume?"
Again, nested quotes.
RPC-186: It patted is stomach, and its anomalous flame shined brighter. "Yer scribes tell ye the story of this malison yet?"
its*
Also, I would put the description of events on their own line instead of after the "RPC-186:". It's confusing because I'm expecting dialog.
Locke: "So, this "Armatash" fellow. Y—"
Nested quotes.
may sound strange do you folk
to*
RPC-186 produced a detailed sketch of Rudolph Gowering.
Fucking Rudolph. IT'S RANDOLPH!!!! HE'S NOT A FUCKING REINDEER
My higher-ups told me to wait a day for him to cool down.
I think it'd serve his character better if he decided himself to wait a day for him to cool down.
I think you should be capitalizing all the races, including "Archdemons," "Golems," "Dwarves," etc. Also "Dark Lord" should probably be capitalized.
I'd explicitly state somewhere that the logs are all transcribed as they happen or by memory since recording devices can't be used.
You switch between past and present tense in the logs. Make that all consistent. I think present tense reads better.
You also switch between referring to RPC-186 as "he" and "it" during the logs.
You also change your formatting for quotes that span multiple paragraphs. In some places you have a quote at the start of each paragraph, and in others only at the beginning and end of the entire thing.
Note: If it wasn't clear enough that something anomalous happened to Gowering, I don't know what is. An anomaly caused Cair Aisling to come alive when he died, and he knew it would happen. He became delusional during his last years, right? If the imbeciles at Site-075 can't figure that out, then I'll do it myself. — Dr. Vincent Locke.
This ending note is kind of cheesy. It definitely shouldn't be the end of the article. I would add some more back and forth to the final scene, make it more climactic. He gets out a bit quickly.