Cocaine Shitters
Cocaine Shitters
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Many Urbana’s legends speak of similar creatures, so what makes this one special.
Change the period to a question mark
The Bet.
Decapitalize Bet
You’re all just scared of the monster aren’t you.
Question mark again
burn down the Forrest.
One R in forest. Forrest is a name
it’s was very dark
It was very dark
Jose, who at the time didn’t light our only source of light, was told by me to light us up
Say this sentence out loud. I do not know what you were going for here so rewrite it with your original intention.
The sound sounded like more than one thing coming toward the cave
It sounded like more than one this coming toward the cave
Whatever was outside was directly outside the cave.
Redundant
who’s face were filled with shocked.
Filled with shock
from our slum walked into the surrounded by men with guns
walked in surrounded by men with guns
“Fed the girl to them.” He said as he pointed to the cage.
Feed
As I read this, I had an epiphany. This is a foreign man telling his story. So if it's supposed to be like this, I understand it, but think you should explain that a bit before going in. If this is not supposed to be what I think it is, then I will return and edit my post detailing the rest of the errors if needed or someone hasn't beat me to it.
This wasn't good at all. First the way it is being relayed feels like a young child is recounting a time he saw a ghost rather than a father telling his son about something traumatic that happened to him when he was younger. I also hate the Deus Ex Machina at the end. He just gets lucky and gets out at the exact same time the cops show up that weren't even hinted at? Come on now. Just have him escape the cave and go to police or something. Maybe have him accidentally start a fire or do something better to distract the nazis to make his escape more believable. Overall a 1/5 for very poor storytelling, a lackluster ending, and a mediocre concept.
My fathers name is Juan Martin
father's
Honestly it was quite beautiful to see the forest merge the slums,
Honestly, it was quite beautiful to see the forest merge with the slums,
the popular toy of the day or the latest gadget
toys, gadgets
Heck for a long while
Heck,
turning into a half bull woman during a full moon,
half-bull
The monster was your typical monster that eats children story.
It was was your typical "monster that eats children" story.
Many Urbana’s legends
urban legends
which only made the legend grow
grew
The Juantintin cave was cave
was a cave
Let’s all go together into cave
the cave
Espinosa said smuggly
smugly
I know right.
I know, right?
The sounds of wild life
wildlife
A hand print and shoe prints
A handprint / Handprints
who’s face were filled with shocked.
faces, shock
line of men from our slum walked into the surrounded by men with guns.
walked in surrounded by men with guns.
(You don't have to continuosly reference the slum)
one who looked to be in her mid 30s
mid-30s
moved it in an almost 180 degree arc
180-degree
around here neck
her
crying silent tears into her brothers arms
brother's
we’re also well armed
well-armed
This is stupidly crazy man.
This is crazy, man.
Carlos started at me blankly
stared
Please don’t do this you guys
Please don’t do this, you guys
We heard a beastial growl
bestial
A facials voce stated planning.
As whoever's behind us said
the leader of these criminal
criminals
that’s what probably lead to what Espinosa did next.
that’s probably what led to what Espinosa did next.
the recoil of the gun was to much for her
too much
to the ground as blood as blood and brain matter exited through the bullet wound.
as blood as blood
“You both are Juan Martin and Jose Setava.” He said. “Where is Carlos, huh? I’ve seen you guys play as a group together. Maybe he chickened out?”
(why would he recognize them)
together. Maybe
together. Maybe
the former third reich’s
Third Reich
He grabbed my head
He grabbed me by my head
shined a torched
shined a torch
The monsters behavior
monster's
as turned it head back to me.
as it turned its head back to me.
I sad to the man.
I asked the man
Rudolf signaled to one of his man
men
Those beast tore her to shreds
beasts
I yelled and pleased
pleaded
The creatures began to deficate a red and white sludges.
The creatures began to defecate red and white sludges.
That red sludge you se over there is invaluable.
see
As he said this gun shots
this gunshots
One of the militarily men
military
A stray bullet must of caught Rudolf in the leg
must have
And that's it for a basic grammar rundown. It's quite clear that this is your first time writing a tale, the perspective and quality are quite janky and fluctuated often.But don't worried, you'll probably get a hang of it as you write more.
This is why I said you shouldn't be this quick to switch from documents to tales. Do not be detered to write whatever you want.
/forum/t-13443214/cocaine-shitters#post-