RPC-XXX: "Multisensory Exhibition"
Hey all! I've been a long time SCP/RPC fan and out of boredom I took a crack at making my own article. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
RPC-XXX: "Multisensory Exhibition"
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» RPC-XXX: "Multisensory Exhibition"
Summary:
"Body Worlds" from hell
Under no circumstances should children or intellectually-disabled individuals be allowed inside RPC-XXX for experimentation without explicit permission from Head Researcher Dr. G██████, due to the risk of captured individuals being utilized by RPC-XXX’s entities for [DATA EXPUNGED].
Segments from the containment protocols should never be expunged. Remember that they are guide-lines for interaction and containment. How could children ever be near an anomaly anyway?
RPC-XXX is a currently abandoned children’s science museum in ███████ County, Nebraska. The structure itself was built in the late 1970’s and on its own does not exhibit anomalous properties. After several reports of missing children that visited the museum in 199█, RPC-XXX was raided and promptly shut down by the Authority to contain the anomalous entities discovered inside.
"RPC-XXX is an abandoned children's science museum located in ███████ County, Nebraska. The structure was built in the late 1970's, and does not display anomalous properties of its own. However, after a disappearance incident in 199█ involving several children, RPC-XXX was seized and contained by the Authority."
Why is the building the RPC if it isn't anomalous? Not a big deal really, just a bit weird.
RPC-XXX-1 through 5 are a group of brightly-colored humanoids made from plastinated organic material, originally serving as decorations for a children’s exhibit about the human body’s "five senses”. While being chemically identical to non-anomalous plastinated human cadavers, all instances lack some or all of typical human facial features. Each entity appears to be a representation of one of the human senses, and will have exaggerated versions of the given sensory organ on the body, similar to the "cortical homunculus" neurological model.
This is a big chunk. Make sure to break it down a lil.
"RPC-XXX-1 through 5 are a group of brightly-colored humanoid anomalies, composed of plastinated organic material. These entities originally served as decorations for an exhibit regarding human senses, with RPC-XXX-1 corresponding to the eyes, [et cetera]."
If they were originally organs and now are humanoids, what exactly was altered? How did they change?
RPC-XXX-1 through 5 typically roam the museum on weekdays from 11AM to 7PM, spending the rest of the day near their displays to rest. While active, the entities perform sophisticated hunting behaviors as a group, typically targeting humans and occasionally wild animals by using mimicry and ambush predator tactics. While RPC-XXX’s mimicry tactics are notably less effective on mentally sound adults, RPC-XXX is an active and convincing threat to young children and cognitively-impaired adults.
"RPC-XXX-1 through 5 typically roam RPC-XXX on weekdays from 11AM to 7PM, being otherwise immobile near their original displays. While active, the entities perform sophisticated group hunting behaviours, typically targeting humans and wild animals through mimickry and ambush. While RPC-XXX is notably less effective on adult humans, they are an active threat to children."
I take issue with the "cognitively-impaired adults" part because, while impaired, most are able to differentiate reality from fiction. Assuming only Authority personnel can enter the building, which is probably the case, there is no need for this line, since the only personnel woking for the Authority are probably minimally impaired, or medicated.
I'll leave other clinical tone corrections to you. Remember, clinical tone serves two main purposes; shorten sentences to their minimal expression, and deliver a message in the way that is most straightforward and understandable for everyone that could be reading it.
Contact me through DMs if you need further help with clinical tone.
On the entity table, it is not necessary to say "a humanoid" every time. We know RPC-XXX-X are humanoids from the description. There's also excessive, unnecesary redaction; usually redaction is used as a device to hide things and create an empty space for the reader to wonder what's there, but that requires a lot of skill to pull off well nowadays.
The interview is neat, but I think requires a bit more setup;
- Mention that the kidnapped people disappear, and their destination is not known
- Mention by the end of the interview that they don't know where the space is
- Some sort of reference to what the purpose of the place is would be neat, even if just a hint
So far, I think this is a good first article. A bit bland for my taste, but that's how first articles go.
Just a bit of clinical tone, some more atmospheric writing, and you're good to go. Again, contact me in DMs if you need further help.
3/5.
Thanks for the crit! A couple things I will mention (prob didn't make it very clear) is that while the creatures are meant to be representations of the different senses, they're all still humanoids. Essentially, weird looking mannequins with exaggerated proportions for whatever "sense" they represent, such as the smell one having a large nose but no eyes or mouth, and the taste one having a giant mouth and tongue but no other facial features. I wanted to go for a "these are clearly organic but nobody knows why they look so malformed" kinda thing.
I've never been super clear on how willing the Authority is to experiment on kids in rare cases, but that and the cognitive impairment basically serve an implication that "these things are anomalous but a typical grown adult wouldn't be fooled by its hunting tactics."
RPC-XXX must be contained on-site by at least two Level-2 Security Clearance guards at all times.
RPC-XXX must be contained on-site with at least two Level-2 ASF guarding the building at all times.
While less threatening due the lower chance of entities manipulating them
due to the unlikelyhood of the entities manipulating them
roam the museum on weekdays from 11AM to 7PM
11 AM to 7 PM
360 degree vision
360-degree
produce scents through sternulation
sternutation
RPC-XXX-5 features a large mouth lined with teeth and jaw that makes up most of the mass of the head
teeth and jaws / teeth and a jaw
it uses a bite force estimated at roughly 3000 psi
it uses a biting force that is estimated to be roughly 3000 psi
They were all these really obnoxious colors
obnoxiously colored
Not bad for a first-time article, grammatical errors are minimal and only boils down to unclear wording. I do find some of your redactions to be weird, specifically the entities' description. The reveal of the basement in the interview while is nice, should have been something that is mentioned in the description because otherwise, the non-anomalous nature of the museum made it questionable why the Authority would spent money contain the entites on-site instead of locking them inside containment cells.
Draft has been updated to address issues mentioned in crits. Only took me months to do it rofl.
First, add a space inbetween your paragraphs; it'll improve readability.
Containment Procedures:
I assume this is a leftover from an earlier draft? if so, you need to delete it as it's redundant.
Level-2 ASF guarding
Level-2 ASF *personnel* guarding
On-site experimentation has been pre-emptively approved by Dr. S███ under specific guidelines.
Should probably specify the guidelines in a collapsible, but it's your choice.
RPC-XXX was seized and contained by the Authority.
I don't think "seized" is the right word but idk.
The location of the room within RPC-XXX-1 is inconsistent
is this denoting the fleshy room or just the rooms in general? If so, write it as "rooms," plural
weekdays from 11 AM to 7 PM
specify the timezone used, or just write it as "local time"
there is no evidence that the entities require food or water to live.
Maybe rewrite it to something like "there is no evidence that the entities require sustenance to maintain their vivacity."
RPC-XXX-2 is the most competent at navigation, being able to see with roughly 360-degree vision.
If, the placement of the eyeballs are roughly the same as regular humans, albeit larger, then the range of vision should realistically be more than 120 degrees and less than 270 degrees.
Well, I can't find anything else out of place here. It's really well-done, you know. It's short but concise, reminds me of the good old SCP Series 1 articles. But maybe you should describe the museum's interior better, like the general atmosphere inside, or even use pictures of abandoned buildings to visualize the exterior.
Anyway, it's a solid 4/5 from me cause the layout's still a mess.
I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis"
Containment Protocols:
Containment Protocols:
I would suggest you put this before the text, instead of over it. Its kinda weird like that
entities
You say this a lot, I think "instances" would be a better name
Also, idk why the redaction on the Drs names
approved by Dr. S███ under specific guidelines.
Which guidelines
Description:
However, after a disappearance incident in 199█ involving several children, RPC-XXX was seized and contained by the Authority.
Idk why this would trigger the Authority, maybe add something very stange about it, like a group of idk, 12 kids, suddenly vanishing inside the building without a trace or something
However, recent reports of a room made of a fleshy organic material signify that the building itself has anomalous properties.
However, recent reports of a room made out of organic muscle tissue indicate that the building itself may possess anomalous properties of its own.*
there is no evidence that the entities require sustenance to maintain their vivacity.
What do they do with the stuff they hunt then?
sternutation2.
Footnotes should come after commas and periods
and [DATA EXPUNGED].
Still, I'm pretty much against redaction in articles, as I think you could put something cool here instead
RPC-XXX-4
What is the strenght and reach of its limbs? Is he quick with them and such?
I was like, 7 or 8 years old at the time.
Yeah, sure, I was like 7 or 8 at the time* (Stuff like this, imo, helps the dialogue feel more natural. Think of what YOU would say in this situations)
End Note:
Hey, that was good. Short and cool article, gives me a nice Series 1 vibe.
Not much that I can say about the article, a pretty nice piece
/forum/t-13437915/rpc-xxx:multisensory-exhibition#post-