This entry is by far the most on point in clinical tone and grammar of the entries I’ve read so far. The pacing and story of this article are great—again, best of the contest so far that I’ve read. That won’t stop me from nitpicking the shit out of it though.
No-vote until I’ve read the other frontrunners.
Assigned MST(s): MST Alpha-03 ("Scavengers")
Should be Alpha-3, not Alpha-03.
RPC-797-1 is a 5m high wooden chapel.
I would add that it’s subterranean in this sentence for clarity. I assumed it was on the surface at first which confused me.
Two lines of seven benches
Wouldn’t it be more accurate to use the word “pews”? It’s a church isn’t it?
and finding great amounts of water contained in their interior.
interiors*
Nature: Mass mind-affection
Priority GAMMA-RED
There should be a colon after priority, and the colored text is pretty dark, making it hard to read. I’d use a lighter/brighter color. I recommend #f54242.
at 5:12 PM,
I would add “(local time)” here.
Responses would sometimes be received, if apparently unrelated to the question. A log of asked questions and recorded responses follows.
All of the following answers seem relevant to the respective questions, which was slightly jarring when you had just said the answers were mostly unrelated. I would change the second sentence to “A log of asked questions and recorded responses follows, irrelevant text discluded.”
What are you talking about? What the fuck have you do—?!
Putting the question and exclamation marks here defeats the purpose of the dash. It doesn’t sound like he’s being cut off or stopping short. I would just get rid of the question and exclamation marks as they don’t add any information that isn’t in obvious contextual clues (asking a question beforehand, swearing).
After the incident, Glasgow experienced another continuous rainstorms for the following three days.
rainstorm*
God bless the agents of Alpha-3 for being insistent asshats and continuing to question every single affected subject, their responses to questions have begun to deviate.
Run-on sentence
For example, this is an early response from the 90's
There should be a period or maybe a colon at the end of this sentence. Also, it should be “90s,” not “90’s.”
A certain type of response has ceased occurring altogether; that which alludes to ozymandian rule, referring to forgotten, dead, or replaced king.
Nitpick but I don’t think a semicolon is correct here as the text following isn’t a complete sentence. I’d use a colon instead. Also, I feel like the word “a” is missing from right before “forgotten.”
Since the text in addendum 2 is a note from a researcher and not clinical text that would be within the document, it should be treated as an included document and thus have a sentence or two of context above it so the reader knows it’s not a section of the base document.
I-I can't keep going. It hurts. I need water, I need rain, flood! Please!
Nitpick but “flood! Please!” is a bit too on the nose for me. I would end it at “rain.”
(account deleted)