Good afternoon,
Haven't written an RPC article in some time, but here's my entry to the Three Random Hazards contest (and my first ever contest entry!).
Here's the draft: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/lieutenant-marshall
It's in early stages, so I'm open to suggestions, as well as any other feedback you'd like to offer.
Thank you all in advance.
"I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
I went in and edited for grammar as we had discussed. I think this is a really interesting idea, but I'd like to see dialog with the talking fire-llamas to be polished up. It comes across as a bit stilted and stiff.
If fits the hazards but I don't get why they are at this train station specifically or if there is any reason for it. I end up wanting for there to be more story to it, and something to explain what happens at the end. I don't really get if I'm missing something. Overall the writing seems alright, there's some pointers in the crit.
incalescence seems to mean "becoming hotter", the context you use it in it's cooling down.
When temperatures arise to a level of above 40°C,
When the *ambient
the climate of RPC-052 will gradually become increasingly humid, with peak temperature reaching 245°C, almost 4 times as hot
the climate of RPC-052 will gradually become increasingly humid and the temperature will continue to rise, with peak temperature reaching 245°C, almost four times as hot
This increase in heat can be linked to an anomalous adjustment our own sun, as the sun's luminesence increases along with the heat.
*luminescence
By the way you describe this it seems as if it would be more of a magnification or an effect by the local atmosphere/ ozone, certainly not to the entire sun itself. The way it describes it currently is pretty clunky. I'd suggest rewording it to describe what I suggested above.
You're things look funny.
Your
Upon instance of any heavily populated areas exhibiting abnormally humid weather
Upon any instances of a heavily populated areas exhibiting abnormally humid weather
Following return of regular temperatures
Following the return of regular temperatures
all newly manifested RPC-052-1 instances are to be tranquilised
all newly manifested RPC-052-1 instances are to be tranquillised
Containment cells are to be fitted with fire proofing measures
Containment cells are to be fitted with fireproofing measures / Containment cells are to be fireproofed
RPC-052 is a climatological anomaly effecting select regions within Europe that posess an average climate of under 20°C during the Winter months.
RPC-052 is a climatological anomaly effecting select regions within Europe that possess an average climate temperature of under 20°C during the winter months.
When temperatures arise to a level of above 40°C
When the temperatures rises to a level of above 40°C
the sun's luminesence
the sun's luminescence
RPC-052 events are rare in occurence, having only occurred 5 times in the last decade.
Following return of regular temperature
Following the return of regular temperature
Despite this, they remain relatively primitive, and do not demonstrate any complex reasoning or thought.
Despite this, they remain relatively primitive and do not demonstrate any complex reasoning or thought.
resulting in an explosion speculated to be equal to orgreater than 5, 000 tonnes of TNT
resulting in an explosion speculated to be equal to or greater than 5, 000 tonnes of TNT
RPC-052-1 instances do not demonstrate an urgent desire to fulfill this goal and are often distracted by food or a desire to rest.
The remaining instances were trainquilized and contained.
The remaining instances were trainquillized and contained.
- you previously used trainquillised with an "s" so you should be more consistant with the variant
Following exhibition of speech capabilities
Following the exhibition of speech capabilities
attempts to interview said instances were made, but all but one resulted in loss of RPC-052-1 cases.
attempts to interview said instances were made, but all but one resulted in the loss of RPC-052-1 cases.
Following its first occurence, RPC-052 has occured four more times, all events taking place exclusively in the Europian territory. Any instances of RPC-052 occuring in any other territories are to be reported to Head Researcher Robin Holmes.
occurrence, occurred, occurring
I trequires a peace of the mind.
I requires peace of the mind
It is clear these things exhibit base level intelligence.
It is clear these things exhibit base-level intelligence.
Depicton of an unknown Aztec deity
Depiction of an unknown Aztec deity
On 18/04/1947, an RPC-052 event occured on the then-unoccupied island Heligoland.
Ocurred
Another thing to add, I think the coloured images does not go well with the time setting. Other than that, the article is neat.
Dr. Sert: So, you can speak. Why are you here? Do you know where you are coming from?
I believe one inquiry is enough. The sentence "Do you know…" depowers the strength of the first question.
Dr. Sert: So you keep saying. But why are you here? Does this… "Huītzilōpōchtli" send you out here?
You can remove the middle fragment "But why are you…" and maintain the same meaning behind Dr. Sert's dialogue snippet.
This makes the dialogue snappier because you technically already *asked* why he was here in the first line.
This interview is concluded, thank you RPC-052-1.
This is a huge minor nitpick, but it's somewhat unnatural to have the researcher directly state the first fragment "this interview is concluded," because why would the entity know what an interview is? I know that usually this is done more for transcription purposes, but as it stands, it sort of stands out weirdly. I would nix it and keep the fragment after the comma.
as well as several inflections of English, French and German.
comma next to French.
Several deities have also been depicted within the document, drawn in an Aztec style.
Minor nitpick: "drawn in an Aztec style" may refer to the plural group of "several deities" or the secondary object, the "document."
In order to make it more clear what its referring to you can switch around the nouns in the order they come first:
A document depicts several deities drawn in an Aztec style.
Associations between the deity referred to by RPC-052-1 instances and the depicted deities remain inconclusive.
You repeat the word "deity" somewhat with "deities" after the and conjunction.
Suggestion:
Associations between RPC-052-1 instances and depicted deities remain inconclusive.
and detonated their combustion properties simultaneously before Authority agents could make contact,
I believe its redundant to add "their combustion properties" because we already can ascertain what they do simply with the word "detonated". Nix "their combustion properties" to make this line run smoother.
I imagine the bright light they keep talking about is them exploding and I really like that this anomaly possesses some good verisimilitude with real-world, geographic events.
5/5 or a +1 when voting begins for the contest entries.
(account deleted)