RPC-267 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page RPC-267.

Author Post

google_chrome 19 Apr 2020 21:01

crit link

This was a little while in the making and I hope you enjoy it.

Croal 08 Apr 2021 23:40

I enjoyed the logs the most, nice job!

SovereignAuthority 06 Jan 2023 14:24

To me, the strength of this article is the story in the recovered journal entries. I was immediately drawn into the Remnants world that's described there and sympathized with the Mech Priest's pain. The rest of the article I think should be more directed towards telling that story. There's a lot of set-up on how the anomaly works in a way that I feel is not really that interesting. Unless this Mech-Priest became this way finding the book, I don't see the necessity of having the book cause anomalous effects by itself. I think the fact its an invention book from the Remnants version of NuCorp is compelling enough. I would suggest cutting back on a lot of the extraneous mechanics of the anomaly, and focusing more on the story in the journal entries. It does kind of end abruptly and I would have liked to see a more conclusive ending.

[+] Spelling/Grammar Critique

Thaumaturgic/Keballic

I don't believe this article warrants a custom hazard class because being Kabbalic or thaumaturgic is not an innate hazard.

In the event that Site-016 must be evacuated, RPC-267 is to be evacuated with the personnel stationed to monitor its locker.

Suggestion: "In the event of a Site-016 evacuation, personnel assigned to monitor RPC-267's locker are to transport the anomaly with them."

Measuring it

"Measurements"

For an assorted collection of various RPC-267-A please see addendum.2
See addendum.3 for a collected list of these journal entries

I think footnoting these would look better.

Due to the aforementioned effects of reading RPC-267 for prolonged periods of time, most subjects typically don't read further than around 420 pages before they are no longer capable of comprehending language.

"Subjects exposed to RPC-267 for prolonged periods of time exhibit language comprehension deficits after approximately 420 pages of reading."

Intended effect:
Actual Intended effect:

Capitalize "effect"

I feel the names of the spells in Addendum.2 could be more creative. "Better Metal" for instance is very bland, when you could say "Refined Alloy Incantation."

Recovered journal entries

Capitalize "Journal Entries"

woman in black
Woman in black

Either capitalize or lowercase "Woman in Black/woman in black"

Abbefalkon 29 Oct 2024 18:16

As the person above me said, the article should have focused more on the story. The book is used as a tool of presenting the notes and fragments, while I think the story should have utilized it more than just hiding notes in it.

The weakest part I would say is the tone and writing. There is a lack of subtlety, which is seen best in the notes and fragments. Instead of giving the reader clues as to the priest motivations through the effects of his actions, we're explicitly told in the beginning what the goal is, which makes the rest of the read just about getting to the end result. The priest is also very blunt, saying everything as it is and sometimes over explaining, this could be a character trait, but isn't presented as such and hurts the article's flow.

3/5

Last edited on 29 Oct 2024 18:16 by Abbefalkon Show more