Cetace's Kin RPC
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/excer-rpc-6
Tell me what you think.
Cetace's Kin RPC
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Cetace's Kin RPC
Summary:
An RPC that I've made for the Cetace's Kin GoI
DON'T READ THIS POST, I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE SOMETHING HERE
First things first, the class color should be made clear in the name, not just the image. Change it to say Beta-Yellow.
standard aquatic enclosure chamber
Change to "standard Beta-class aquatic containment unit"
RPC-XXX are to be fed a diet consisting of plankton.
As RPC-XXX are barnacles, this could probably be rephrased. Change it to "Plankton are to be released into the containment chamber (every X days/bi-monthly/some other indicator of time) to allow RPC-XXX instances to gather proper nutrients.
The names of the events should be changed to "XXX-A-Event" and "XXX-B-Event" as events caused by RPCs are not normally referred to as a subset anomaly. There are also some times when the events are not referred to as events, this should also change.
The resulting transmutation of XXX-B-Events should be designated separately as RPC-XXX-2 and both RPC-XXX-1 and RPC-XXX-2 should be mentioned in the containment procedures as both of these entities have properties that should not be neglected. My recommendation for the RPC-XXX-1 instances is for personnel to analyze what event is occurring and to give the instance a peaceful death if an XXX-A-Event is identified. RPC-XXX-2 instances should be given care as if a normal animal but due to their nature as a previously extinct species need to be contained to maintain secrecy.
RPC-XXX instances are an anomalous species of cirripedia(footnote 1). RPC-XXX-1 are similar to regular whale barnacles with the exception that they will attempt to attach themselves to the backs of any members of the hippopotamidae(footnote 2) family.
Change this to "RPC-XXX is the designation given to an anomalous species of the infraclass Cirripedia(footnote 1). RPC-XXX instances behave similarly to non-anomalous species of barnacles known for creating commensalistic relationships with large marine mammals. One notable difference is that RPC-XXX instances have universally been detected in aquatic habitats within Central Africa, where they have only been detected attaching to members of the Hippopotamidae family." Note that I have capitalized and italicized the scientific names. For both footnotes, append "More commonly known as" to the beginning and uncapitalize the common names.
RPC-XXX's anomalous property will begin after 24 hours, at which the effects will take place on the subject designated RPC-XXX-1. RPC-XXX-1 will be subjected to two scenarios designated RPC-XXX-A and RPC-XXX-B.
Change to "Any hippopotamus which is host to RPC-XXX, hereafter designated RPC-XXX-1, will undergo one of two events within 24 hours of coming into contact with RPC-XXX:"
The two events should then be bulleted, and begin with the event names bolded. Example:
- XXX-A-Event: example text
- XXX-B-Event: example text
An RPC-XXX-A event is where after 24 hours, RPC-XXX-1 will begin developing various diseases such as bacillus anthracis.(footnote 3), PKD(footnote 4) and Arteriosclerosis among others. After about 12 hours, these diseases will begin mutating with analysis showing a particular deceleration in the effects of the diseases and an increase towards attacking vital organs and muscles. The subject's remaining lifespan will vary, but most cases usually take between 16-70 days. RPC-XXX-A happens in 70% of RPC-XXX infections.
The XXX-A-Event's use of diseases seems redundant when the following mutations only make the disease's effects more lethal and less like the original disease. The lifespan also seems kind of long given the effects. I suggest more mutations to the hippo and abandoning the disease aspect entirely, perhaps large amounts of cancer (which would be interesting given that hippos under normal circumstances do not often get cancer). Would also further link to the -B event. Also you should refrain from using the word infection if you go this route as the barnacles don't act as a disease. If you keep the disease idea, change the footnotes to be like the previous footnote criticism.
An RPC-XXX-B event is where after 72 hours, RPC-XXX-1 will begin experiencing a "reverse-evolution". RPC-XXX-1 will start to transmute into earlier ancestors as evidenced by DNA tests on RPC-XXX-B event instances. Subjects undergoing an RPC-XXX-H event will start developing behaviours and traits that replicates their ancestors but due to the environment most RPC-XXX-1 instances are in, many don't survive due to ecological pressure. All RPC-XXX-B events will cause the subject to turn back into a previous ancestor. RPC-XXX-B happens in 30% of RPC-XXX infections.
The biggest issue here is that for some reason, the common ancestor between hippos and cetaceans is never mentioned by name, only referred to as the ancestor. The common ancestor is anthracotheres, which you should make clear. The paragraph should be rewritten to match the tone to that of the A-Event paragraph.
For the discovery section, change everything to match the previous criticisms including event names, ancestor name, and other stuff.
For the note, it feels like kind of a forced way to include Cetace's Kin. First of all, the Authority does not conduct raids on Kin bases, so the note would have to have been obtained another way. I suggest an incident where Kin members were found releasing RPC-XXX. Then say the note was on one of the members. As for the note:
Those damned creatures! They are what the idiotic Catholic Church refers to as Fallen Angels who chose to become Demons. Why they would reject the choice to remain as Cetace's Kin and instead become something so… disturbing is beyond even me. Alas, to prove my faith to my god, I and my fellow colleagues have created what I like to call 'Divine Punishment'. I hate that I had to resort to dealings with Those idiotic self-saving xenophobic animals but it was a necessary cause. Of course, some of my colleagues and other brethren in the Kin believed that Cetace would prefer a more sympathetic approach to things. So, with a bit more experimentation and some "secret ingredient", I finally discovered a way to reverse this process but in most of my efforts, only a few were granted the reward of once again rejoining Cetace. Oh well, I guess paradise isn't for everyone.
This doesn't match the tone of Cetace's Kin, and has other errors too, so I'm going to rewrite the note. You can change anything about my version as you please, but anything you change it to should keep the tone intact. I've also kept the link to CoM since I think relating to the other GoIs is extremely beneficial. Change to:
Pod 9 Divine Commandment:
Thanks to materials obtained by our recent temporary agreement the organization known as the Church of Malthus, the commands from The Great One have been pushed forward. The holy organic projects 11 is now ready for distribution. He has told us that it is proper that we release organic projects 11 in continental waters in the domain of the traitor species. Though lacking full effectiveness, organic projects 11 is now capable of giving the traitor species a second chance to join His children and receive his grace.
Begin distribution is the continental waters of the area known to the Continentals as "Africa", where the traitor species naturally resides. From there, move to waters on the eastern region of this land until the grace of the sea is reached. Any casualties among the traitor species as a result of organic projects 11 should be ignored. The Great One has made it clear in his commands that some will naturally resist his will and choose their end rather than the light.
Note that we do not condone the actions of The Church of Malthus. Their mission to advance the evolution of humanity is heretical and against the will of Cetace. However, He has told us that temporary cooperation will allow us to overcome common enemies, and their genetics research has been invaluable to the completion of organic projects 11. Proceed with the holy task immediately.
Note that the changes are radical because I've made the document something far more likely to be carried by a Kin member than the old note, which would be unlikely to be written at all in my opinion and could easily break immersion. Also helps to build up the lore better.
Overall the current state of the article needs some work, I'd have rated it a 2, maybe 3 but I'd be biased because of Cetace's Kin. But the concept is very good, with the changes I've suggested it could be very good.
with the current amount of captured instances being 34
> I dont think you need this part
and placed in an aquatic enclosure chamber.
> I would change this to "new aquatic enclosure chamber."
begin after 24 hours
> 24 hours following what?
diseases such as bacillus anthracis
> This isn't a disease but a bacteria. Maybe say disease stemming from bacillus
Addendum-2 Note:
This whole dialouge feels a little too cartoonish and exagerated. What I would recommend is say it outloud as you write it. This way you can see if it sounds strange and polish it out to what you or I would say.
> Besides those things and the flow of sentences its an interesting idea. Good luck!
This was a crit given to me by http://www.wikidot.com/user:info/d4rkseid. For some reason, I can't post the screenshot of it.
I added the arrows to what they said, but I think that's obvious.
Sorry, not a critic, but just wanted to say I've always found that funny how we don't have a specific word for the agents causing diseases. It's either bacterium, viruses, prions, or fungus. I guess because they are all different kinds of things and not all diseases are foreign. Viruses and prions technically aren't considered to be alive either. Anyways, just here for the Karma.
/forum/t-13159092/cetace-s-kin-rpc#post-