Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

Summary:

The only escapee of a sun-touched cave reenters the world 200 years later, coming to terms with how so much has changed while searching for her sister.

Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

GrammerPoliseCheif 12 Mar 2020 16:22

A bit of a lengthy read, I hope that those who have the patience to read it find it well.

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/grammerpolisecheiftales

Word counts (subject to change via small edits)
Chapter 1: Awakening and Escape (1,570 words 8,893 characters)
Chapter 2: A Whole New World (4,518 words 25,737 characters)
Chapter 3: Hellos and Goodbyes (3,586 words 20,041 characters)
Chapter 4: The Reunion (5,748 words 32,938 characters)
Footnotes: 37 words 208 characters

Last edited on 31 Mar 2020 08:47 by GrammerPoliseCheif Show more

Re: Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

(account deleted) 13 Mar 2020 02:34

This thing is HUGE. But it's meticuously written and reads fairly well. My biggest criticisms are that at times the dialog reads a bit so-so. Not terrible, but a particular gripe is that during the first chapter the unseen bad guy screaming comes across ever-so slightly cartoonish.

So I guess my main points is that while I didn't find the dialog bad by any means, it could be touched up to be less stilted and a bit more charecterising.

Re: Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

GrammerPoliseCheif 13 Mar 2020 08:42

Yep. Understood - I've tweaked the dialogue of the Crow Emperor (an upcoming RPC associated with KK) to sound less hammy and more realistic. Posted to you in Discord DMs.

Last edited on 13 Mar 2020 08:42 by GrammerPoliseCheif Show more

Re: Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

GrammerPoliseCheif 25 Mar 2020 09:19

I'm just going to post crit by someone I who know of outside of the RPC. It probably won't count, and it's not intended as a boast-post, but this someone means a lot to me.

[+] Open

1) what did you think of Mishio's personality? How different she is to Shiomi, how she seems easily irritable and scowls with the girls,
I really like Mishio's personality. She is, of course, very different to Shiomi. I like how the two personality's contrast with each other.

2) and how she monkey paws at least 2 of 3 of them?
I think it's great how she twists people's wishes. The girls are very silly for making wishes without thinking them through. They obviously haven't read enough paranormal literature to realize wishes are very dangerous.

3) what did you think of how brutal Honoka had it? Was it written bad enough or too tacky?
I think it was written just right.

4) and how Mishio literally (read:accidentally) masterminded that car crash ?
I like to see when people who think they are all powerful with all the tech and all the weapons and all the back up, find out that magic is more powerful than all their plans and schemes. (Accidental referral to chapter 4 as opposed to the intended scenario in chapter 2)

5) then Honoka's farewell at the empty box?
I found the symbolism of the empty box poignant.

6) and what did you think of the memory flashbacks?
The flashbacks were very well done.

7) and how the reunion went? Because I worked in the five stages of grief for both of their reactions.
I did notice how you had put in the five stages of grief and thought it great how you wove the reactions from both of them together to make a compelling scene. I really think what you've been doing with this story is some of your very best writing ever.

8) what did you think of the description of Shiomi's room and the painting she was working on? (note: 'giant mushroom' is Mishio's PoV since she doesn't know what an atomic bomb cloud is)
Oh shoot. I totally missed that the giant mushroom was an atomic bomb cloud, but that totally makes more sense. I was so confused at why she was drawing mushrooms. (Tweaked writing to better emphasize the "mushroom cloud" aspect of the painting)

9) how well did I highlight the gulf in difference between how the RPCA treats Mishio and Shiomi?
You highlighted it well. and I think the RPCA made way too many mistakes in how they handled Mishio. All they had to do was say, hey we know where your sister is, why don't you come with us, and their life would have been so much better.

I really enjoyed reading all of this. Your writing has gotten so good. I do hope you continue so I can see how it all comes out in the end.

Last edited on 25 Mar 2020 09:21 by GrammerPoliseCheif Show more

Re: Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

Laclale 25 Mar 2020 14:15

Many long! 2 chapters can submit to AprilFoolCon with 2k+ words.

Last edited on 25 Mar 2020 14:16 by Laclale Show more

Re: Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

troyamonga 27 Mar 2020 07:37

As always, I enjoy pretty much all of your work. I thought the abuse scene was a bit much, but other than that it was pretty solid.

I agree with Victor that the dialogue does need a few touchups. It's a bit stilted as it currently is.

Re: Mishio's Return: a 4 chapter story

GrammerPoliseCheif 31 Mar 2020 07:10

Trrrrrrrrrrooooooooooyyyyyyy

Update your comment, you wrote this based on what you read before my changes on the 13th.

Some Thoughts

DrPierson 24 May 2020 18:05

I personally enjoy the narrative flow from your origins story to the present time, where the Authority discovers and contains 886. You've given a character and personality to the characters at hand, and it really pulls me in to know more about them.

All and all, keep it up!

- Dr. Pierson

---

"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"

Re: Some Thoughts

GrammerPoliseCheif 24 May 2020 18:32

Thanks for reading through the stuff (and giving a more detailed analysis in discord).

I think I finally have what it takes to upload these tales.