Jokah's 2020 submission
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/j2020jokah
crit pls, thanks you
Jokah's 2020 submission
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» Jokah's 2020 submission
Summary:
it has a table. it involves the containment division. it does not have like 15 hazards but how tf you meant to have 15 hazards jfc.
First off, there's the link at the top of the page that doesn't work at the moment. Not sure if you're going to do anything with that but it should be removed or fixed. Also random (initial page) there too.
Don't forget to insert the Object Class icon!
The Department of Communications has designated a specialised group of technical engineers to remain in effect of moderate and restrict public access to RPC-XXXX, as well as attempt to gain access to RPC-XXXX-A if access should be lost via 30 proxy accounts with administrative permissions.
I'm sure this last part about proxy accounts could be worded more clearly.
"…addition to MTF MST 404 "Unfound Allegations"…
We have MST's here. Best change this before someone blows a gasket. Also the MST needs a proper military designation. Check out the page here for some examples.
"Users must be captured or eliminated terminated"
"After Incident XXXX-A all personnel assigned to RPC-XXXX must have been hired prior to the date April 1, 19██, due to potential security concerns and recruitment issues."
"…control a person's neurotransmitter levels on a personal level."
"…to be targeting RPC-XXXX-A in an attempt to…"
You should always refer to it by the full designation; referring to it just as "-A" can be confusing for some and also hard to read.
There's nothing written to differentiate RPC-XXXX from RPC-XXXX-A before the addendum, so you could probably clear that up early on.
Cool how you've taken the idea of "write about tables" and extrapolated that to mean a spreadsheet. Very clever! Overall I really like this article. The visual format is very consistent and the piece has enough meat to it to give you a good idea of the whole picture, but leaves enough out to keep you wondering.
Really good! best of luck for the contest!
Yeah, that's gonna lead to the document beneath it. Did try adding a dividing line to separate the two, but formatting went pear-shaped.
I figured I'd rewrite the proxy accounts section to obfuscate it a little bit more and make the anomaly seem more documented locally than others, lend some credence to it requiring such high security.
I've also decided to move around the early mentions of RPC-XXXX-A to later on, but maintained 1 early mention and stated its containment situation. That should act as enough context to differentiate the two, but if not I'll figure out a better way to write their difference out.
Thank you very much! :^D
Ok, I don't know too much about the contest but I'll give it my best shot.
Grammar And Tone
No specific things come into mind, but I will advise you to use passive voice more, which sounds more clinical. I mean, it has clinical voice atm, it's just that I feel that more of it can be used.
Structure and Lore
Firstly, I'm reserved on having GDs be directly involved in most boots-on-the-ground action.
Secondly, I don't think we call these things RPCs in-universe. Registered Phenomena, I believe, is the proper term.
Content
Ok, so it's a spreadsheet that can change reality. Not only is that a bit too OP, I'm surprised that the Authority (with its inability to properly contain this thing) hasn't collapsed yet.
A suggestion to remedy this would be to reduce the scope of this object. Either severely limit its values (which I advise against) or have it's effects be in a random radius, which varies from time to time.
I suggest referencing SCP-536 as a more "grounded", less OP version of this idea. Its features are just as OP, but because it has a defined limit, it feels more "grounded".
Narrative
I see the narrative, but I feel like it has a pacing problem.
Nikolai was never set up to have any character, so his betrayal to the Authority feels a bit "empty", if that makes any sense. We don't really care that Nikolai has betrayed the Authority, simply because we don't really know Nikolai. We don't know it's motivations, it's beliefs, it's loyalty to the Authority, and so we don't really care.
I suggest referencing RPC-242. In it (spoilers) Stannum Yeung is set up as an obedient exam-taker, created from RPC-242. Throughout the article, it is set up that Stannum wants to go out into the world and take more exams instead of being stuck inside RPC-242, so when Stannum first breaks out of RPC-242, it feels something. When Stannum leads a revolt within RPC-242 for everyone else to also break out, it also feels something.
Suggested Reading
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-536
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-242
3 from me now. It's decently written with an interesting (albeit OP) idea, but it's attached narrative seems a bit weak. I'm sure you can get these issues fixed before the deadline.
In regards to the GD, I was thinking of mainly having him act like the 'CEO' in regards of positioning in terms of action rather than being 'in charge'. That said, I could make it be something like a Regional Director in charge.
I did try to remedy this OP idea by stressing the importance of its secrecy and noting that the variables' lables didn't correlate to what they affect. I could instead claim that a certain number of variables are corrupted and don't appear to function properly, displaying standard errors when viewing them.
Your description of RPC-242 definitely piques my interest. I didn't know how to treat Nikolai's place in the narrative so I'll definitely give it a gander.
This kind of crit is definitely what I was looking for, thank you greatly for this!
Transcription:
AOS1981#4672, 11/03/20 at 10:52PM
"Denied. We need the scrolls translated. Destruction of the scrolls just to see if something's on the back doesn't make sense. Besides, it's not confirmed these things are nonanomalous. They're the base for this whole thing, somehow. - LeadOps Amanda"
Change the "nonamonalous" to "non-anomalous" and "LeadOps Amanda" to "Lead Ops Amanda".
I actually really like this one, the threat that it presents is very high stakes and the tone is good too. I would definitely rate this a 5.
@A Clown free from the EU
"RPC-306-A is believed to be target by POI-306-1" to RPC-306-A is believed to be targeted by POI-306-1"
Besides that, I haven't really found any mistakes. It's an interesting article and was fun to read
/forum/t-13125711/jokah-s-2020-submission#post-
