Harmless Harlequins!
Had to put my other RPC on hold to work on this. Went for the 15+ hazard prompt and this is what I've got so far. Give it a read and drop a crit.
Harmless Harlequins!
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» Harmless Harlequins!
Summary:
April contest RPC, looking for crit
Can't notice any particular errors, so good work on that!
I feel like an incident log could be vital in truly demonstrating what they're willing to do when they're not allowed to take part in their show. If not that, maybe an interview displaying their exasperation and annoyance with their situation?
Either way, definitely looks interesting. Good luck with the entry my dude!
I like the idea, but for me it was missing some crucial context.
The most important piece of context missing for me was the nature and limit of their abilities. What can they do, what can they not do, and how does it work. The way I read it the entities all seem to have unlimited powers to manipulate whatever they want. I think it would be more interesting to put some sort of limiting factor on them, instead of leaving them in the "unlimited power reality bender" trope.
"Anderton: Ratings, extras, backstories! You realise the show is real, right? Or are you so deluded you seriously think that you’re just an actor?"
This line has a couple of typos. Realize is spelled wrong and I think you meant to say "isn't" instead of "is."
That is all I have to say. I enjoyed reading through your draft. I wish you good luck in the rest of your writing!
“Typically, an episode of Harmless Harlequins! lasts around 30 minutes; of this runtime, approximately 20 minutes is devoted to the "Pranks!" segment, where Harlequins must complete "challenges" proposed by the other group members; "challenges" will often be detestable and violent in nature, and usually feature the Harlequins victimising members of the public.”
Fat ass run on sentence
“mobilised and were deployed”
Remove were
“further resulting the death”
resulting in the death
“shot out the tyres”
Brit bong.
“they simple override”
Simply
“REALITY COMPLIANCE HARNESS (RCH):”
Alright I wanna say something on this whole section because even though I do like the approach you have to reality anchors it feels like if this is used multiple times, like actually put into the canon. The nuance would slowly disappear and just turn into a reality anchor even though it’s technically not even that(the name is a bit misleading). I still feel like just giving them a creative limiter would be the best option, like they have some kind of schedule for their show or something like a cool down period at the least. Of course this wouldn’t solve the problem completely but still. I just don’t think reality anchors are right for rpc or that good in general but that is my personal opinion. At least you didn’t make it op as fuck and how you made it could create interesting situations but like I said before I think the potential would disappear in other people’s hands and just be turned into normal reality anchors. Another thing if this becomes an actual thing make this a separate article and maybe if necessary go more in depth into the harnesses instead of putting it into this article.
“Jewish-English”
I began foaming out of the mouth out of anger from reading this
“ghosts they can bust”
Wtf does this mean
“just did 88 years in Hell”
Idk if hell is canon so you might need to change this. There is an rpc that’s supposed to be hell I think but idk. I mean you could just be “saying that” so idk if it really matters or not
This is a really enjoyable article and has pretty good grammar which is sadly rare. You do break canon at some points but if you want to put it on the main list you can probably fix them up. My only real complaint is that the dialogue is a bit to edgy with the dude basically calling himself a god and shit. I do like the fact that he’s mad and the insults are enjoyable but tone down the egoism at least a bit but I would rather you just take a different approach with the egoism like James thinking of himself better then the doctor because of the show or something not because of his powers to show how much of a wacko he really is and maybe make it less edgy
- "Forcefully replace the CCH" I would say something like "re-attach" here. Doesn't parse well.
- I feel like you could make this read better by replacing the written-out Greek letters with actual Greek letters.
- "These entities take on the appearance " you say this but don't describe their appearance. Do you mean that they take on the role?
- I think you spend too much time clarifying the nature of the show, and not enough time clarifying the nature of the entities.
- is that a goddamn Evangelion reference
- Woah woah- if these things can regress minds, shouldn't you have mentioned that earlier? That's a big deal.
- I like the CCH concept, though it raises the question of what part of the body physically triggers reality alterations
- Your first Addendum should be part of the Description. Maybe make the CCH part a sidebar?
- I like the idea of the Producers, but the interview with Alpha isn't very menacing- I feel like he comes across as too mundane for the stuff you've attributed to him earlier.
I loved concept, I'm going to make gangs turns into objects, as it resembles Object Show(Especially BFB, Four actually deformed serval objects, and has recovery).
Also, can you add episode about trains?
/forum/t-13124747/harmless-harlequins#post-