Hellbound: Chapter 3 (Tale)

Summary:

The Act 3 of the "Hellbound" tale series for the Sub-Vesuvia event.

Hellbound: Chapter 3 (Tale)

Hellsverg 13 Feb 2020 14:55

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/hellsverg (Tab 1)

I'll try to write Chapter 4 + Epilogue on time for the event closing, ok.

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I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."

Re: Hellbound: Chapter 3 (Tale)

Big Mark 13 Feb 2020 15:11

This. Is. Amazing.

Just the sheer amount of emotions that are inside this tale, the atmosphere, the feeling of knowing what’s going on and what’s not.
The writing is beautifully formatted and man oh man the dialogues…just so good, pretty sure Keller gave us a few new one liners here in this tale.
The plot is wonderfully worked and I love it, I love how the relations between the characters mutated.
I can see how inspired you were by classic Crime stories, and you implemented them into the Authority in a very unique way.
I don’t have much left to say, just know that if there were else, it’d be all positive stuff.
5 stars for me, hands down.

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Marco Marchi B. Mark

Re: Hellbound: Chapter 3 (Tale)

Von Pincier 13 Feb 2020 18:06

You have some major tense confusion throughout- you narrate in the past tense but then randomly drop into present tense. It's really difficult to follow. And what is a "Cartage Department"?

Re: Hellbound: Chapter 3 (Tale)

Xander Ether 13 Feb 2020 21:06

Her's the crit.
Bold - for adding in
Italic - for changing words

then maybe we should turn historical to archives

Connors has spent doing absolutely nothing.

uncomfortable foldable camping bed (foldable sounds better imo but folding works too)

and laying back down on the camping bed

so boredom quickly took hold of her

that those holes in the roof weren’t the regular wear and tear (Your's is alright but this does sound better imo "again")

these are all i've found but i could've have missed some
As always amazing work keep it up.