Got a decent way into this one and I want to get some criticism before I take it any further. Let me know what you think. Like I said, I held off going too far so any feedback to develop the idea is appreciated!
Hazard Types: Emotional Hazard, Info-Hazard, Memory Alteration Hazard, Sensory Hazard, Visual Hazard
These should all be hyphenated
If RPC-XXX is removed from the possession of a reader near completion, the reader will attempt to violently retrieve the crossword and complete it.
I would swap the order in the first part so its the reader being removed from RPC-XXX rather than RPC-XXX being removed from the reader.
So, Alana, when did you first come into contact with RPC-X-sorry, the crossword?
I would put a space before "sorry" so it reads as "with RPC-X- sorry,"
makes it more clear that he's cutting himself off
I feel that the dialog within the first collapsible isn't super believable, and the entire log doesn't really introduce any new information or add to the article. It would need to be changed to convey some new information to the reader that builds upon the rest of the article, or removed.
The article has a great start. The clinical tone is on-point and the description and containment protocols are well paced. No grammar/spelling errors either. You just need to think of an idea for where to take the article into an interesting direction that builds upon already established information.
In the description, there is the line "If the reader is successfully isolated from RPC-XXX for one hour, their demeanor will return to normal." I think that if you changed it so that they don't lose their demeanor, it could allow for some interesting storytelling. Combine that with more of a reason the Authority would want or need to remove the subject from the crossword before completion and you could get a good plot from that if you're creative. Of course, just a suggestion. Definitely consider a few ways you could take the article and do what you think is best.
Hey! Thanks for the feedback! I've made some of the changes suggested and added an extra element or two.
Regarding the collapsible transcripts, I did wonder while writing it whether it served a purpose beyond flavour. My heart wasn't in it.
I feel that the dialog within the first collapsible isn't super believable, and the entire log doesn't really introduce any new information or add to the article. It would need to be changed to convey some new information to the reader that builds upon the rest of the article, or removed.
I did think that it might be better to minimalise the article to a barebones concept. I'm not particularly sure where to go with it past here without making it sound like a try-hard creepypasta. I think the article perhaps would be more focused without them.
I don’t think the article needs to or should go into a creepypasta direction. It does need something more though. A barebones concept isn’t enough.
Added some logs to flesh out the article.
A manifestation of RPC-XXX will be detectable via a unique radiation signature, which the Authority can trace using specialised Geiger counters.
This sentence maybe should go in the description.
I like the description but I'm not sure the dream-like state is needed. If you take it away, it's just as creepy and is just one less thing to tack on.
the reader will be unable to cope with their emotional state
These emotional states are mentioned several times here, but I don't know what they could be. I take it they are opposite to the feelings of peacefulness, nostalgia, shame, depression, aggression, etc; but it is never spelled out like it should be.
Structurally, I would group all of the testing logs into a single collapsible.
CSD-69304
I don't think that the CSD personnel stealing the newspaper from the guard buys us anything in the article, except making it odd that they catch this and enact a controlled study afterward. Consider just making it a straightforward give-and-test.
An exceptional case.
There's gotta be a more clinical way to say this. Really breaks the clinical tone and puts me in the midst of a prudish wine tasting.
"indignus" vertically on her torso, drawing the attention of the Authority.
Forget this if this is tied to RPC lore because I am really catching up on this bad, but I'm not sure why that word would strike the Authority's attention.
Despite protestations from her family, access to online puzzles led to sliding standards of personal hygiene and a failure to maintain a stable diet.
Maybe use "protest" in place of "protestations".
Ms. █████ was locked in the toilet and isolated from her personal computer, which was to be taken away from her and then returned at a later date.
This family sucks ass at helping.
Following recent events, I have determined that current containment procedures
Maybe change "procedures" to "protocols", lest ye piss ppl off here.
I think this is a competent article. It is well-written and it was a pleasure to not see a bunch of grammatical mistakes. I think the idea is good, but still is missing that real "oomph" to push it over the line to really good.
Maybe make it to where when these self-mutilated, deceased bodies are arranged in a particular matter, the words they carve upon themselves actually make a solved human crossword puzzle.
I dunno. Something else though.
I am not that good at writing crits but this article is very good and the tone is very on point on what it is good about it. i should def. try to make it so it has like a direction on where would you use it´s properties
Aight, this thing is good enough for the mainlist. there are several things in my head about this, tho:
-on test log 1, it just my opinion, but Site-████ contain 4 digits of numbers. So far, I only see 2 or 3 digits of number for the site, like site-002. maybe trim it to Site-███.
-I must say that I do not really understand why incident log B is level 4 clearance only. like, it's kinda important to let personnel know it can spread via the internet. that just my opinion tho.
-there's little information about the"shared dream" part. like, when did this occur and who's having it.
There's also this little idea I had when I see this occurs in the UK, I kinda want to recommend having some British government like Military Intelligence Section XIII or MI13 to be involved with this, but I'm afraid without any important reason why they should be involved other than because it occur on their area, it will be assumed as shoehorned famous AoI for the sake of the narratives. So, I do not really recommend it to be used.
Alright, guess that's all. I glad you already perfect on grammar and stuff, so I don't have to show that I'm incapable of critting it v:
Have a nice day.