The pencil
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/scott-hunts1
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The pencil
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» The pencil
Summary:
An anomalous mechanical pencil used by the authority to train new personnel
edits recommended by yoknapatawpha have been made.
is to be stored in a medium security wall safe
medium-security
During training demonstrations
comma after demonstrations.
Copper and human blood are not allowed to be used during research or training under any circumstances, and any individual suspected to be bringing a sample of Copper or human blood is to be searched prior to entering the same room as RPC-XXX.
Run-on sentence. Split these into two sentences by removing the "and", replacing it with a period, and capitalizing "Any".
Copper or
doesn't need to be capitalized.
The anomalous nature of the pencil manifests as the transmutation of
You already explained in the sentence prior the pencil itself is anomalous. Consider the following line:
Notably, RPC-XXX transmutates materials placed into it as a substitute for graphite.
This way your not repeating "anomalous" in a relatively short article.
The materials RPC-XXX has been found to transmute are limited, and in all cases but one have been found to be harmless.
The materials RPC-XXX transmuted* are limited
Additionally, nix "have been found to be" with "are" for the sake of clarity and expediency.
Trainees that have enrolled in the bimonthly Introductory Seminar on Anomalous Objects hosted at Site-016 are given the opportunity to observe demonstrations utilizing RPC-XXX and at the end of the seminar are invited to conduct informal tests while under supervision by research and security personnel.
Run-on sentence. Remove "and" and create a new sentence at "at the end". The new sentence would contain "At the end of the seminar, trainees are invited…"
Interrogation of the employees of the store yielded the information that the pencil had been sitting in the back room for an unknown period of time as it was not the same type as the ones currently for sale, and that none of the employees knew where it came from.
"Interrogations" might not be the appropriate word here given its such a harmless anomaly and the employees weren't withholding information or a threat to the Authority. "Interviews" may be a more appropriate word. Additionally, how was the interrogation conducted if they were already administered amnestics?
I would move this line: "Class A-1 amnestics were used on the local populous, and all newspapers regarding the incident were seized. "
To the bottom of the paragraph.
Remove "the information" as the following fragment can be taken as the information being yielded. Remove "sitting" and replace with "stored" as "sitting" is too non-clinical in tone for an inanimate object. Remove "of time" as "period" expresses everything the reader needs to know without repeating the same meaning.
Once edited, it should resemble the following:
"Interrogation of the employees of the store yielded that the pencil had been stored in the back room for an unknown period. "
I would argue you don't need everything after "unknown period." as the reader can generally gather that on their own.
Overall: I really like the base idea of this anomaly and the table presented. I do sort of wish there was more going on in the origins of the pencil but nonetheless, it works as a short RPC for me. Well done!
Blue = Grammar/Punctuation
Red = Wording/Clinical Tone
Yellow = Commentary/Suggestions
RPC-XXX is to be stored in a medium-security wall safe at the Site-016 when not in use. During training demonstrations, one member of on site on-site security is required to be present. Copper and human blood are not allowed prohibited to be used during research or training under any circumstances.
Class A-1 amnestics were used on administered to the local populous, and all newspapers regarding the incident were seized.
Extensive testing with thousands I think "different types" would work better here. of materials has lead to the discovery of the following possible transmutations.
Sample Message: You didn't use a colon in the previous header (The title that reads "Experiment Log"). Try to have consistency.
WHAT I LIKE
- Your grammar is very good, and I only spotted one mistake. All the others were with clinical tone.
- I fucking LOVE the idea of the Authority having training workshops/seminars for new employees, and I think it's executed pretty well here.
- I like how the results in the experiment log related to each other, like human hair resulting in soap.
WHAT I DON'T LIKE
- The div used for the message at the end could be changed. It's a bit uncreative to just copy-paste the div template from the formatting guide. Would you like to discuss this on discord?
- The result for copper being human blood could be expanded on. What if you don't have that in the experiment log, but reveal it in an incident log? Imagine: It's a video log of one of the seminars, and they're demonstrating the effects. They use copper, and the person using the pen starts looking pale and woozy. People notice this, and escort him to the medical bay. At the end, it's revealed that the output from the pen was blood that matched the person's blood type. It could have much more impact than just having it as a result in an experiment log.
As of now, I'd give this article a 3 or a 4. Keep working on this and get some more criticism!
blabbo
Thanks for the Crit!
I've made some changes that you should like, including 2 more transmutations, and a transcription of events similar to what you suggested. Its basically how a guy got a really bad coughing fit and had to spend a day at the on-site medical center because he inhaled pretty hard next to it while gas was coming out.
I'd change the format of the message, and in fact I've been wanting to, but the issue is I don't really know how.
/forum/t-13003118/the-pencil#post-