The Act of Vanishing Completely Co-Auth w/ Redtide
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/dialectic-2
WIP atm for RPC-XXX-B, but RPC-XXX-A has been complete enough that I don't hold reservations for seeking critique in the forums.
The Act of Vanishing Completely Co-Auth w/ Redtide
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» The Act of Vanishing Completely Co-Auth w/ Redtide
Summary:
About loss and recovery.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
Re-posted from the sandbox discussion page
and speaks in an Okinawan dialect.
I'd suggest adding a footnote here specifying what Okinawan is and means, since I doubt most people know what it is.
RPC-XXX-A exhibits regenerative capabilities and a form of corporeal augmentation.
"Corporeal Augmentation" is not a real term, so I would change "and a form of corporeal augmentation" to "via the usage of marrow and tissue for the construction of a variety of tools and clothing" You also don't describe what it regenerates or how it regenerates, instead talking about its body has been modified for the rest of the description.
Note: Originally, it was not immediately apparent what RPC-XXX-A's mental defects were.
Change to: This meeting led to the discovery of RPC-XXX-A's memory-impairment disease.
RPC-XXX-A uses these abilities to either alter its larynx
Add a footnote for "larnyx" describing what it is. You need to remember that, since its a scientific document, details about the anomaly have to be thoroughly explained (without over explaining though) and you can't assume that everyone will know scientific and anatomy terms.
- this influences its behaviors.
This is redundant information since the previous sentences already imply this.
a significant series of anomalous augmentations to 7 kidneys allows RPC-XXX-A
You never describe what these augmentations are. Are they technology or different types of body structures? Also, add "of it's" in between "7" and "kidneys".
of excess, cancerous cells within problematic bodily regions
Remove the comma after "excess"
rare symptom analogous to Steven-Johnson's syndrome.
Add a footnote describing what this syndrome is
RPC-XXX-A: Kabushiki Kawaii. They're quite famous. I wouldn't be surprised if you've heard of them before.
The inclusion of KK feels very unnecessary and out of place here, due to the fact that KK specializes in the creation of animal-human hybrids and is involved in sex slavery with those hybrids. It doesn't make sense for XXX-A to be involved with them if she isn't part of their main operations. If they play a larger part in the article that fits with its tone after you've finished it then you can ignore this, but unless that's the case then I think you should change this to something that's more appropriate.
Conclusion: I can't give this a complete rating since its obviously not finished, but in its current state its just mediocre. I think that if you can fix its clarification issues and expand on XXX-A's history and the role it plays in its troupe once you've completed it, then you can make it much more interesting.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
I'd suggest adding a footnote here specifying what Okinawan is and means, since I doubt most people know what it is.
I considered that but it puts on some personality before hand and makes it present to the reader. I'll consider it at the expense of an existing footnote given there are a lot already.
"Corporeal Augmentation" is not a real term, so I would change "and a form of corporeal augmentation"
I disagree. Corporeal by definition: "relating to a person's body, especially as opposed to their spirit."
Augmentation: "the action or process of making or becoming greater in size or amount."
Its justified.
You need to remember that, since its a scientific document, details about the anomaly have to be thoroughly explained (without over explaining though) and you can't assume that everyone will know scientific and anatomy terms.
I believe the same is with how larynx is described here. Will consider the footnote if I have further opposition to it. Unless I am proven wrong in the followup critique with others or yourself.
This is redundant information since the previous sentences already imply this.
Remove the comma after "excess"
Noted and edited.
You never describe what these augmentations are.
Hm, what if I described them as:
"a significant series of anomalously altered kidneys (7 in total) allows RPC-XXX-A"
To be more precise.
Thank you, I apologize for certain segments not making sense due to the incompleteness of the draft atm.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
I disagree. Corporeal by definition: "relating to a person's body, especially as opposed to their spirit."
Just because two words have meanings that may seem to correlate, it doesn't mean that they should work together. Since the term doesn't exist outside of your article, it comes off as confusing for those who don't explicitly know what it means.
On another note, this term sounds a lot like "Corporeal Reconstruction", which is an actual term and, if you google it, is pretty different from what you have here and I don't think it would fit in the context of your article.
Doesn't define pure tones and overtones but relies on the position of each word within the sentence to make clear what is meant.
If you were to add context to what the term meant prior to stating the terms name then I wouldn't have an issue, but this is not what your article does. The article you cite also does have footnotes for terms that people won't understand, most notably for the term "electroencephalograph".
The inclusion of terms specific to nautical terms such as helmsman and navigator are used after giving a very clear view of where everything is on the vessel's deck.
The term "navigator" is already widely known and used, so it doesn't require a footnote. That's not the same case for "nautical", which is less well known and could use a footnote
Hm, what if I described them as:
The issue I had in my previous critique wasn't that you didn't say that they were altered, its that you didn't mention how they were altered. In the sentence you cite you only say "anomalously altered", and never go into more detail about what those alterations exactly are.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
Just because two words have meanings that may seem to correlate, it doesn't mean that they should work together. Since the term doesn't exist outside of your article, it comes off as confusing for those who don't explicitly know what it means.
10. The Sarkic practice of corporeal augmentation and modification.
Usages of the term "Corporeal Augmentation." Even without these examples I have listed, the term is justified. I'm not entirely sure what your argument is. Is your argument that no terms can be made from the juxtaposition of two words if that term does not exist upon Google search? That's highly limiting to me.
If you were to add context to what the term meant prior to stating the terms name then I
See:
RPC-XXX-A exhibits regenerative capabilities and a form of corporeal augmentation. Though limited in capability, RPC-XXX-A uses these abilities to either alter its larynx to produce different vocal octaves or to create accessories.
I have highlighted specific clues.
The term "navigator" is already widely known and used, so it doesn't require a footnote. That's not the same case for "nautical", which is less well known and could use a footnote
Jerry, your making a common sense argument. I can say that in my field of research, almost-everyone knows what a voice box is. This is tangential and misses the original issue presented: supplementary words providing context to a single word.
and never go into more detail about what those alterations exactly are.
You realize one of the main functions of SCP/RPC articles is that they don't have to go into detail when it comes to extremely specific, sci-fi details.
Unless, your going to be pedantic and tell me you rated Von's Ramjet Cows a 1 given, and I'm quoting from a comment there: "Same feelings regarding the subject's capability to withstand the extreme temperatures resulting from these propulsion systems. "
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
Usages of the term "Corporeal Augmentation." Even without these examples I have listed, the term is justified. I'm not entirely sure what your argument is. Is your argument that no terms can be made from the juxtaposition of two words if that term does not exist upon Google search? That's highly limiting to me.
The term being used in 3 SCP articles does not make it a widespread enough term to not warrant at least some degree of clarification. While my point still stands that its incredibly confusing and too similar to another word that means something completely different, if you aren't going to make a change then the least you should do, for the sake of the reader, would be to explain the meaning of the term in the description.
I can say that in my field of research, almost-everyone knows what a voice box is.
And yet people don't know what a larynx is, hence why I suggested adding a footnote.
You realize one of the main functions of SCP/RPC articles is that they don't have to go into detail when it comes to extremely specific, sci-fi details.
There is a difference between leaving information up to the imagination of the reader and not giving adequate explanations of what your anomaly is. Given that the kidney alteration is one of the main details that makes XXX-A's internal aspects abnormal (and one of the only things making it anomalous to begin with aside from its Augmentations), its given a greater degree of importance. When things are important in an article, they require better explanations or else they'll have a lesser impact on the reader. When you say that you don't have to describe what these important aspects actually are, it comes off as incredibly lazy. It also makes no sense in-universe. Why would researchers not specify how its internally different from other humans, seeing as how its key to its anomalous aspects?
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
(account deleted) 28 Jan 2020 01:58
Containment Protocols:
Nothing outstanding in the protocols.
Description:
On its person, are the following:
Remove the comma.
The caveat to this deficiency
Replace 'The caveat to…' -> 'A notable feature of…'
Discovery:
Nothing outstanding in the discovery.
Addendums
I enjoyed RPC-XXX-A's demonstration of its anomalous properties in the interview segment; the additional supplementary material was interesting as well.
Overview:
Overall, this idea is alright in regards to what you have now. While this is conveyed more-or-less as body horror (in some aspects, I think it was particularly emphasized in the discovery and first addendum), it's done in a characteristic way that isn't excessive. I concur with Jerry; however, I feel that the inclusion of just namedropping KK was rather unnecessary - it didn't particularly compile anything to the GOI's lore (as far as I'm concerned), and it feels out-of-place for them to express interest in this anomaly when its properties greatly deviate from the other specimens.
You did not have any notable or significant grammatical errors/issues, save for what I've pointed out above. I'm also anticipating what you have to offer to develop for RPC-XXX-B; you additionally did a fair job in establishing the narrative that bridges this instance with the latter.
Unfold
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head) by (account deleted), 28 Jan 2020 01:58
(account deleted), 28 Jan 2020 01:58
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
- shouldn't you specify that the brain hemorrhages occurs in the memory centers of the brain? Memory loss seems like such a specific symptom for bleeding in the brain.
- "A notable feature of this deficiency is that RPC-XXX-A may recount partial information in relation to the performing arts" clarify this sentence- does this mean that it tends to recount fragmentary information about Japanese art instead of remembering things?
- "problematic bodily regions" wouldn't that be "injured" bodily regions? How can part of the body be problematic?
- "On February 11th, 2012, an urgent news report characterized an unidentified, skinless woman (precluding areas above the neck) was seen in the red-light district of Kabukichō, Tokyo. " the way this sentence is written, the news report was seen, not the skinless woman. How about "On February 11, 2012, news reports originating from the red-light district of Kabukicho, Tokyo described sightings of a woman missing all her skin below the neck."
- "via paramedics" I think you're actually going too hard on the clinical tone here. Just say it paramedics took it to a hospital.
- "took ownership" I would just say "assumed care of", ownership is unnecessary.
- why would the translated document have an Authority logo added at the top?
- The writing in the log with the singing is beautiful, but tonally not very good- could you tweak it in some way to justify the tone switch?
- "designed as a control aperture" do you mean apparatus?
- "Demonstrated by…" this is a sentence fragment. Rewrite.
Overall I'm not sure that I get what's going on yet but this is weird and interesting and a more reflective and poetic take on KK and I want to see more. Keep up the good work.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
Blue = Grammar/Punctuation
Red = Wording/Clinical Tone
Yellow = Commentary
In the following hours, a team of Authority medical practitioners arrived and assumed care of RPC-XXX-A's care RPC-XXX-A.
Below is a an English translated version.
It was because when she closed her eyes, her home grew less and less until only a streaks If this means just one streak, reword to "a streak". If it means multiple streaks, reword to "streaks". of colors, kept in a vague silhouette of a roof, remained.
Symptoms associated to RPC-XXX-B are often mistaken as hypogogic hypnagogic hallucinations.
This article is pretty nice so far. I like the detail you go into when talking about RPC-XXX-A's biology, and it's some nice body horror.
The whole story is good, and pretty creepy. It's a take on Kabushiki Kawaii I haven't seen before, that's for sure.
Since this article isn't finished yet as of writing this, I don't really know what else to say. It's good! Interested to see where this goes.
blabbo
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
Time to nitpick
Biweekly therapy sessions are to be conducted by Clinical Psychology Researcher Iwazaru and are to be maintained to further evaluate signs of continual memory loss/degradation.
Biweekly could mean twice a week or every two weeks. I would change that to something less ambiguous.
1. Drugs traditionally used to help treat mild to moderate Alzheimer's disease.
I feel like "Drugs" could be replaced with a more descriptive word to sound more clinical. Something like medication or prescription.
appropriate analgesic drugs
Same here
On its person are the following:
- Hairpins made from protrusions of occipital bone that grow at the back of the head.
- White face paint made from nails and teeth.
- Kimono comprised of organic polymers, gestated from its hair follicles.
- Layered silk fabrics made from pigmented skin.
- High platform shoes made from skin and metatarsal bone.
The grammar for bullet lists is actually pretty specific. It depends on what style manual but generally, you wouldn't put periods at the end of each bullet point here, since they aren't full sentences and don't make a full sentence if you include the bit at the top. I'm basing this off of a few grammar guides I've read online.
Further research into neurological triggers that make RPC-XXX-A create constructs of a disproportionate mass is ongoing (see Addendum-XXX-02: Schedule & Followup).
"make" feels like the wrong word here. Maybe "cause" or something similar. (Of course if you change it to "cause" you'd have to add "to" after "RPC-XXX-A")
This is due to cranial hemorrhages that occur in the memory centers of the brain when it manipulates its body.
"memory centers of the brain" feels nonclinical. Maybe say something like "hemorrhages that occur within memory-related structures of the brain, such as the Hippocampus and Amygdala, when it manipulates its body."
RPC-XXX-A possesses short-term memory impairment, which limits its ability to recall names or objects.
I'd change "names or objects" to "names and objects"
A notable feature of this deficiency is that RPC-XXX-A recounts fragmentary information in regards to its involvement in the performing arts.
I would change "recounts fragmentary information" to "recounts only fragmented information"
While RPC-XXX-A appears outwardly normal, its internal physiology is exceedingly redundant, and as a result, a significant series of anomalous augmentations to 7 kidneys allows RPC-XXX-A to produce stem cells.
This sentence feels a bit clunky. It could be cleaned up a bit. Also, I think it's generally better to spell out the word-form of numbers when they are ten or less, unless it makes sense for it to be a number (such as with abbreviated units).
In conjunction with a complex endocrine system and an overactive pituitary gland, the transport of these cells is rapid, especially if RPC-XXX-A is physically harmed.
"is physically harmed" feels a bit weird to me. Maybe something like "has sustained bodily injury."
Near-universally, externalized forms of psychological harm incur the growth of cancerous cells within injured bodily regions
Did you mean to say "forms of physical harm"?
"a woman missing all her skin below the neck"
I think this could be phrased more clinically.
You switch between referring to the RPC as "it" and "she/her" a few times within the discovery. You should make that consistent.
"hammering its fists on windows"
I would change "on" to "against"
sloughed off
I've never heard this phrase before but it feels nonclinical. Maybe it isn't though and I'm just unfamiliar with the phrase.
Soon after, it fell unconscious due to blood loss and paramedics had extracted it to a nearby hospital.
It's been a couple sentences since you've referred to the anomaly as a noun rather than a pronoun. So I would change "it fell unconscious" to "the anomaly fell unconscious" or something similar. Keep "extracted it to" the same though.
passed off
This feels nonclinical
Biohazard teams seized excised samples left behind by RPC-XXX-A.
This sentence doesn't feel quite right. Maybe "seized residual RPC-XXX-A tissue samples within the area."
Under the guise of a routine clinical inquiry, an Authority physician by the name of Iwazaru Ikari was tasked with ascertaining RPC-XXX-A's previous whereabouts and frame of mind.
The following is a transcript translated from Japanese to English between Researcher Iwazaru and RPC-XXX-A after the latter awoke from a sedated state.
I would split this into two sentences and swap the order information. I think it would flow better if saying its a translation transcript is saved for the very end of the paragraph.
Its a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Hatsugiku.
It's*
From the ones who did this to you?
I think this is unrealistic for an interviewer to say. It's pushing the interviewee toward a specific answer rather than obtaining a natural (and thus more useful) response.
RPC-XXX-A: Eh, how do I put it… If a salmon climbs upriver, do they ever ask why? It's instinct - I don't plan it out ahead of time. I don't think, I feel the current and swim.
Iwazaru: So - an emotional response?
RPC-XXX-A: For me, memories are difficult. I can't pin numbers to an address, much less a face to a person. But emotions? I know them better than my own two hands. Eh, almost like I can see them, taste them, hear them.
It seems like a bit of a leap for me to jump from instinct to emotion. Those are two different concepts. This needs more of a bridge from one topic to another. It also feels a bit abrupt for her to bring up her memory unprompted, as the reader already knows an emphasis has been placed on it in the description, even though it makes sense for her to arbitrarily decide to use it as a comparison to her emotions.
RPC-XXX-A: Eh, I know I sang. It always stings at the roof of my mouth after I perform, there's stinging everywhere now… My head's a hot mess right now. Can we continue this when the world's less blurry?
<End Log>
I think the doctor should have some kind of response of agreement before the log ends.
A family attends the funeral of a loved one when a rival family attends and slays the family, disposing their bodies into the cremation pyre.
This feels a bit confusing when the word "family" is used to refer to two different parties. It can be logically clarified, but it shouldn't require that.
A romance between a lowly peasant and a courtesan ends in a double suicide.
I would change "A romance" to "The romance"
A character-driven plot that takes place in Toshima Manor, in which it is eventually discovered that the youngest son Takao Toshima had murdered all other inheritors of the manor. Upon raping and murdering a witness to his crimes, Toshima has a flashback revealing the recently deceased corpse to be his mother. It ends with the lone prince attempting redemption by self-castration while the corpse below him sings the Song of Mourning.
I think this paragraph could be made decently shorter without losing any detail. It would read better.
perform a checkup with RPC-XXX-A
This feels a bit nonclinical
Originally, it was not apparent what RPC-XXX-A's mental defects were.
I would change this to "Originally, RPC-XXX-A's neuroanatomical defects were not known."
I think Iwazaru should always be referred to as Dr. Iwazaru within the interview logs.
curls into a ball
this is nonclinical
By this point, RPC-XXX-A's head has breached the ceiling lamp due to an elongated neck, its hands break the window glass, and its legs have curled into knots.
This is a run-on sentence
mobilize through the door
I feel like "into the room" or "into the interview chamber" would read better.
carried off
This is nonclinical
It's getting late so I'm going to stop here. I hope this is helpful.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
I'll leave a few sidenotes on what I couldn't really alter.
"An analgesic or painkiller is any member of the group of drugs used to achieve analgesia, relief from pain. Analgesic drugs act in various ways on the peripheral and central nervous systems. "
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analgesic I would say the full term "analgesic drug" has a lot of precedent and doesn't necessarily need to change. Same with biweekly.
unless it makes sense for it to be a number (such as with abbreviated units).
That depends. In the William Shrunk style guide I believe its cited that if you use the numerical form, you must keep it consistent throughout. Same with spelling the number units. I stuck with using the number over the spelling to keep consistent with potential containment procedures or measurements in description.
Did you mean to say "forms of physical harm"?
I have an underlying narrative in which she feels a "stinging" prior to every song event. I have removed "especially if physically harmed" from the previous sentence to make it more clear where the source of the trigger is.
a woman missing all her skin below the neck
Its tricky because the other sentence prior to this was clunky and Von suggested that as a placeholder. Though, it makes sense if we're to take those exact words from an immediate police report. Officers reported to the news, the news broadcasted it for regular viewing audiences. I could put quotations over "a woman… neck" to clearly convey that it was what was first reported by the news.
If that helps.
You switch between referring to the RPC as "it" and "she/her" a few times within the discovery. You should make that consistent
I ctrl+f the word "she" and didn't find anything besides the schedule mentioning a "she".
TOBECONTINUED.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
This is all pretty fair.
I have removed "especially if physically harmed" from the previous sentence to make it more clear where the source of the trigger is.
Okay yeah, that was what confused me.
I could put quotations over "a woman… neck" to clearly convey that it was what was first reported by the news.
That would work well
I ctrl+f the word "she" and didn't find anything besides the schedule mentioning a "she".
I don’t think there were any. It was just “her”. I mistakenly included “she” in the crit.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
or to create accessories
This reads a bit clunky. These are vocal accessories, so maybe "vocal flourishes" might work better. You can remove the previous "vocal" in the sentence, as "octaves" are understood to be talking about her voice.
Further research into neurological triggers that cause RPC-XXX-A to create constructs of a disproportionate mass is ongoing (see Addendum-XXX-02: Schedule & Followup).
I'm wary of this sentence. I don't know what "constructs of disproportionate mass" refers to, and I'm not sure what neurological triggers have to do with it. Unless it can be reworded more clearly, I'd say do without it.
when it manipulates its body. RPC-XXX-A possesses short-term memory impairment,
I'd add a "thus" at the start of this sentence.
A notable feature of this deficiency is that RPC-XXX-A recounts only fragmented information in regards to its involvement in the performing arts.
This is a repeat of the prior info "limits its ability to recall names and objects". The article gives this info before her involvement in the theater is, so it feels like an obtuse point to make. Like, why can she only recount fragmented information regarding the performing arts? Because oh, later we find out she is a performance artist. Either remove this sentence or refer to her involvement in the theatrical arts earlier in the description.
While RPC-XXX-A appears outwardly normal, its internal physiology is exceedingly redundant. As a result, a significant…
We've already been made aware that she has outwardly normal features "the bulleted list" that are in fact not. I'd start the sentence with "RPC-XXX-A's internal physiology…" I would replace the period with a semi-colon and remove "As a result".
Use of the word "incur" feels out of place imo. "Cause" I think is simpler and works better. End the sentence after "regions" and start the new one "This harm".
a woman missing all of her skin
Remove "all her" for clinical tone.
"adipose" is an adjective, add "tissue" after it, or just use "adiposity"
"and sloughed off as a result of movement"
Hell yeah dude gross as shit.
I would put "Recovered samples" as the last sentence in the paragraph to avoid two-stepping the chronology of the story telling. Remove the word "had" in the next sentence.
Steven-Johnson's syndrome
Hell yeah man way to go. And being in the medical field, even an expert would be like "…damn that shit is awful" because it can just be soooo bad, God knows what it is capable of.
I think the bizarre allergic reaction is a bit far-fetched, but I'm probably being real picky. You could even pull a double-sly "disinformation" and say it was an experimental and promising treatment with stem cell therapy (wink wink).
* I'd actually move the "Recovered samples experienced decay" to the end of the last paragraph of the Discovery.
Love the formatting of the interview.
I'm having trouble picturing the bare musculature because it says there is a cast; I guess the bare musculature is not under the cast or is not dressed with bandages?
Change "office" in "Hey, that's a little rude" to "pharmacy".
RPC-XXX-A: Kabushiki Kawaii. They're quite famous. I wouldn't be surprised if you've heard of them before.
Iwazaru: When we recovered you, your skin was webbing together at the abdomen. How is it that you can recover at such a remarkable rate?
The Dr. may be trying to play it off like he hasn't heard of KK (but then again why would he want to withhold this), but otherwise this feels like jarring pacing, almost like you are in the car with someone who is driving a stick shift and shifting gears without finesse. It's an abrupt transition.
Iwazaru: What did you feel? Prior to the events of downtown Kabukichō.
RPC-XXX-A: What, like, leaving footprints everywhere on the streets? Before you ask, I overheard you and that officer talking. I guess I was panicking. Live performances are always the hardest on my feet, hah.
I think the dialogue still needs some work here. I don't follow the thought logic of RPC-XXX-A; these are events that happened during the events of downtown, not prior.
Love the styling of the schedule.
Iwazaru winces and attempts to prompt RPC-XXX-A to cease.
Too wordy. "asks" or "implores RPC-XXX-A to cease".
Audio-capable devices receive the following.
This is unnecessary as we know it has been recorded by virtue of the transcription.
So did RPC-XXX-A intend to harm the doctor, or was that sort of incidental?
Symptoms associated to RPC-XXX-B are often mistaken as hypnagogic hallucinations. RPC-XXX-B appears solely within the subconsciousness of carrier bodies.
Join these two sentences with a "thus" or "so", the second leading the first.
I think a conceptual weakness of the article is attempted use of RPC-XXX-B-1 to contain RPC-XXX-A, when a modified containment chamber would seem to work? There's also the issue of relying on something equally as anomalous, esp since it was discovered 3 years prior. Maybe if RPC-XXX-B-1 was really well understood, but I don't get that it was.
I'm wondering as I read: How does glass that is able to withstand acids (I'd remove "base" from before "acids", as the two are opposite nomenclature in chemistry) and force, and have a residue on it evidence that RPC-XXX-B was able to psychically instruct RPC-XXX-A?
Upon heightened scrutiny, bronze tubing, previously
Remove the second comma here, and I'd recommend replacing "heightened" with "additional".
I am not sure what the chemicals are signaling and why it is significant that they are comparable to opioids and amnestics.
A hermetically sealed hatch could be opened via a latch on its rightmost side of RPC-XXX-B-1, allowing for live experimentation of RPC-XXX-A.
Replace "its" with "the".
theatrical rigging system,
Remove "theatrical".
The main concern posed to Authority intelligence divisions was that RPC-XXX-B greatly deviated from the GoI's consumer products - thus, the potential connection between in-house development of psychotronics and humanoid trafficking garnered the theory that the GoI had found novel methods to control either product or consumer.
This is 1 sentence and feels like a run-on. Probably chop it up some.
So to answer your question; there is no difference those that were abducted and those that were made.
"difference between"
The final addenda is good, but it really kills the clinical tone and in-universe believably. Why is it being put here, and in its current form? It is a note but isn't presented as one. Maybe still WiP here.
Love the style of the footnotes.
All in all, this is a nice premise with some very vivid and memorable imagery. I feel like it overreaches itself in its ambition a bit and ends up being more confusing than revealing. But I am not the best at reading comprehension either.
I think with some clean up it'd be a good addition to the site.
Re: The Act of Vanishing Completely (COLLABORATION BETWEEN Me, Roob, and Biggest Head)
RPC-XXX-A is a metamorphic humanoid that appears as a 21-year-old human female of Japanese descent named Hatsugiku Taro; it is 155cm tall and speaks in an Okinawan dialect.
You should state that this is her current form, considering she's metamorphic.
such as the Hippocampus and Amygdala, when it manipulates its body.
Neither name should be capitalized.
RPC-XXX-A's internal physiology is exceedingly redundant;
In what fashion?
which took place after the latter awoke from a sedated state.
This could be replaced with "taking place after recovery."
Considering what the interview implies, I find it hard to believe XXX-A could survive long-term, since every time she uses her capabilities her brain suffers from hemorrages.
Originally, RPC-XXX-A's cognitive defects were unknown.
I feel this shouldn't be necessary to explain here. You could explain, back at the description, that "X and Y properties were discovered during containment."
RPC-XXX-B is completely non-corporeal. Its main mode of manifestation is through the dreams of unconscious subjects.
This is already described in a footnote.
beyond the fire and beyond the flesh… she's burns.
Slipped an "'s" there
Do you see a familiar pattern here RPC-XXX-A?
Comma before a proper name.
Then try harder, RPC-XXX-A. I know you know more than you let on, given how you described the facilities and your experiences. Whenever you say anything, our department has to constantly transcribe what is and isn't a lead. Put together from what can be salvaged from your philosophical ramblings. I asked "what are scripts", not "provide a detailed existential treatise on your current mood."
I don't think this behaviour makes much sense. Since XXX-A is highly psychosomatic, what guarantees she won't kill herself upon an excess of emotional abuse?
I can't comment much on the article since it's not done yet, but I feel it's currently treading the right path. The implication that any human taken over by B eventually becomes A is pretty terrifying.
Good luck!
This was a great article overall. I enjoyed the entirety of XXX-A as well as a lot of XXX-B, but I'll get into that later.
RPC-XXX-A:
Like I said, I enjoyed this part a lot, partiularly the interviews, with the second one making me think of John Carpenter's The Thing. I would personally change the naming system so it felt more like an evolving document instead of a single one that had stuff added to it. I would change XXX-A's article so it simply refers to her as XXX and then change that to XXX-1 or -2 in the -B article.
There are a couple of slight fixes I would make grammatically and such
it is 155cm tall and speaks japanese in an Okinawan dialect.
Initial reconnaissance discovered a schedule that detailed showtime events. Upon further examination, it appeared that the theater received multiple changes to its construction to accommodate for a larger stage. Below is an English translated version
These two sentences need to be better connected, they both talk about the theatre but one leads into the other as if it is going to expand upon the point of the previous sentence, so you either need to better seperate these two sentences or make a better connection between the two
RPC-XXX-B:
This one I have some bigger issues with. The scientific jargon is layed thick in the first few paragraphs of the article, and the footnotes citing random scientific studies don't really add much and honestly feel a bit disconnected. This is especially notable since they only appear during this part of the -B article. It also kind of feels a bit off considering how much more philosophical and character-driven the article gets near the end.
Here are a couple of smaller fixes for this part:
Specifically, increased neural activity and rapid eye movement are markers that correlate with onset psychosis experienced by subjects
I understand you're trying to make a large connection to dreams with suspiria, considering how they are dreams, but the symptoms for this are identical to ones for regular dreams, so how would the authority be able to guess when somebody's having a puppet show nightmare dream or just a regular nightmare dream.
Dr. Iwazaru: [turns away, speaks into communicator] Note the word performance.
RPC-XXX-A: I told you to stop calling me that.
Think you missed a couple words here
##ffd700|In the 2nd interview I think it would be nice to have a slightly more affable conversation between XXX-A and the doctor and then a certain word or sentence moves her into her rambles so that it shows how much she's changed and become less sane as things went on.
That's all I have to say, have a good one and good night.
Given the beans I received on discord, I addressed everything listed out here EXCEPT:
This one I have some bigger issues with. The scientific jargon is layed thick in the first few paragraphs of the article, and the footnotes citing random scientific studies don't really add much and honestly feel a bit disconnected. This is especially notable since they only appear during this part of the -B article. It also kind of feels a bit off considering how much more philosophical and character-driven the article gets near the end.
I was trying all night to think of a better way to convey it, and if it comes up later in subsequent critique of the article, I'll condense or truncate the extra steps to -B's internal workings. Just felt like without the psychotronics studies, the philosophical examinations had no groundwork to be fixed into the ground by.
I'll see what I can do if a good edit springs up.
Thank you again for the critique.
P.S.
While I did originally want it to be a more affable conversation between Iwazaru and RPC-XXX-A, the former felt like dead space. Sort of a victim of that stuffy, researcher voice I gave him; his sole-purpose was to ask inquiries.
While its not exactly a trigger that sets her off, I wanted to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible to having her identity conform to the Authority's designations.
Dr. Iwazaru: RPC-XXX-A?
RPC-XXX-A: That's not my name. You used their names. Not mine.
Dr. Iwazaru: We could administer another trial run of anti-depressives…
RPC-XXX-A: Sorry, sorry! Its hard to think and be here sometimes. If-if I had to guess, they're reading off their script devised by our our red lady - they all look out of it, disassociated, right?
/forum/t-12986347/the-act-of-vanishing-completely-co-auth-w-redtide#post-