Haven't done an article in a while, had this one almost done for a while now. The event in question is this https://lflank.wordpress.com/2015/07/26/how-a-bear-almost-ended-the-world/.
After conducting some edits the story now has more information on the aftermath regarding US government and The Authority.
If I could get some input from the lore experts of The American AOI, and The Union that'd be great.
Edits have been made following DrMayhem's crit. Despite meeting crit requirements I would like to get 1 more due to the the large changes following the first crit.
Ok, let's begin!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything.
Since RPC-XXX's deactivation ,it is contained at Site 16 in a Standard Secure Containment Unit with 2 guards at all times.
I suggest a comma there. Btw, we usually write "Site-016".
RPC-XXX-1 and RPC-XXX-3 are both stored in Secure Containment Units at site 16.
Same as above.
RPC-XXX is a deactivated Douglas AIR-2A Genie Nuclear Air to Air missile. It is 3 meters long, and has a wingspan of 1 meter.
I suggest combining these two sentences.
RPC-XXX was given to the Authority by the United States Strategic Air Command in 1976 after anomalous events nearly caused an international incident.
I feel like a short elaboration would be nice.
One thing that I didn't cover is that passive voice makes an article sound significantly more clinical. I suggest using it as much as one can in any article.
I think the grammar and tone's not ready at the moment. I suggest solving this by going through the Authority's "Top Rated" list for reference. Those are usually written well.
Structure and Lore
I think the Discovery comes after the Description. If there isn't a reason to break format, I advise against it.
Furthermore, a picture can do wonders in helping people understand the anomaly. Since non-anomalous variants of this object exist, I suggest Googling a picture and putting it in the article.
Also, I suggest sticking to a more "current" format, as listed in the format guide.
The last thing, we usually write dates as DD/MM/YY instead of written form.
Content
A missile from a universe that nuked itself is a really good idea. Bravo! It's anomalous traits also make sense in an organic matter, like it's an extension of its main trait.
I will say though, that the bear intrusion being the point of divergence needs explaining. Oh well, nothing you can't do in the narrative…
Narrative
The narrative here seems to be of the "find out knowledge" type, in the sense that we learn what happens to the alternate world. This is fine, but I feel like I want more. The 10-year gap feels like it could be filled with interesting incidents. Also, I wonder what happens after 1986.
In general, I like this but I want more. There's not enough to justify me giving it a high rating at the moment.
Suggested Reading
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1322
2 since the grammar is quite off at the moment. 3 if grammar and formatting get fixed. 4 if more stuff happens. 5 if the stuff that happens comes up as a more complete "narrative".
Good luck!
Thanks, i'll get to work on some changes.
Edit-some changes made, decided to explore what the result of an apocalypse would be on the Authority in addition to governments.
Thoughts: Commas and determiners are two things you should look out for. Give it a reread out loud to catch them all.
RPC-XXX is 3 meters long, and has a wingspan of 1 meter.
No need for the comma after long
RPC-XXX's anomalous properties have only manifested when a Geiger counter, film such as camera or audio film, or the radio from an F-106A interceptor is within 70 meters of RPC-XXX.
Geiger counter, camera film, audio film or the radio from an F-106A interceptor is within 70 meters of RPC-XXX.
The "Film such as camera or audio film" messes up the flow of that sentence.
Upon entering this 70 meter radius these items are to be designated RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3 respectively.
70-meter*
Upon leaving this 70 meter radius these effects will cease, as a result all RPC-XXX-2 samples are to be stored near RPC-XXX, in addition recordings of all data from instances of RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3 are to be made.
This is a run-on sentence
At this time it is suspected RPC-XXX creates an anomalous link to an alternate timeline, with the divergence point of this timeline being the October 25th 1962 bear intrusion of USAF command center Duluth, and a time lag of roughly 14 years.
this is a run-on sentence
October 25th, 1962*- add a comma between the 25th and 1962
The key difference and divergence point is thought to be that the phone call from Duluth to Volk Airbase stating that the ongoing nuclear warnings were a false alarm was never made, and that this change allowed the F-106A fighters to finish taking off.
point is are - this is due to there being two subjects.
made, - remove the comma
Information gleamed from the experiment logs has implied that from here the fighter pilots misidentified American bombers and launched their nuclear missiles, leading to confusion that spiraled into nuclear war, eventually leading to Soviet bombers targeting Chicago and with unknown further escalation.
Run-on sentence
gleamed gleaned
glean-verb
extract (information) from various sources.
At the time of the incident RPC-XXX was attached to a F-106A fighter that was on a defensive patrol to deter Soviet air incursion near Alaska.
incident,* - add a comma
an F-106A - you hear a vowel sound when you say "F" thus it should be "an F-106A"
he official cover story regarding the incident is that a senior member of the USAF who's judgement was clouded via recreational drug use used a long range telecommunications radio to try to goad a pair of pilots into nuking a pair of MiGs that he suspected were carrying nuclear missiles.
Judgement Judgment*
who's whose*
long range longe-range*
,whose judgment was clouded via recreational drug use, - add commas before and after this
Additionally, the on site USAF ground crews all attested that none of them attached RPC-XXX to the F-106A's hardpoints.
on-site*
Experiment Log Excerpts:
Will repeat test to see if any other images can be produced.
the test*
Wheres the subject? I will? We will?
we have more import things to test.
important*
Radio placed within RPC-XXX's area of effect, audio was recorded and analyzed.
the audio*
Tape was placed within RPC-XXX's area of effect for 6 hours, and removed.
remove the comma
Tape was placed within RPC-XXX's area of effect for 4 hours, and removed.
remove the comma
Transcribed message is as follows:
The transcribed*
Last hour contains audio of unknown significance including running water, metallic groans, heavy breathing, the sound of a pen on paper, and a round being loaded into the chamber of a pistol
The last hour
Less informative than previous tests, will incorporate more audio tests.
run-on sentence
Tape was placed within RPC-XXX's area of effect for 4 hours, and removed.
remove the comma - seeing this a lot so rule of thumb for commas when using and. If its more than two things being listed you use a comma.
The first hour of audio is the sound of large diesel engine starting, running, and abruptly stopping, significance is unknown.
a large diesel engine*
the significance is unknown*
For first 3 hours a repeating Morse code message heard.
the first 3 hours
For the first 3 hours a repeating Morse code message heard. Beeps and Geiger counter ticks both used.
add a comma after hours
Site-009, and Site-002 assumed to be last remaining authority sites still active.
remove the comma
the last remaining
Containment Protocols:
RPC-XXX is to be contained in an Enhanced Secure Containment Unit at Site-016, with 4 guards posted at all times. Following RPC-XXX's deactivation, it is to be contained at Site-016 in a Standard Secure Containment Unit with 2 guards posted at all times. RPC-XXX is to be inspected every 6 months to ensure tampering has not occurred. Site-016 is also to house instances of RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3, with RPC-XXX-2 instances being stored in the East wing near RPC-XXX.
It should be
Containment Protocols: RPC-XXX is to be contained in an Enhanced Secure Containment Unit at Site-016, with 4 guards posted at all times. Following RPC-XXX's deactivation, it is to be contained at Site-016 in a Standard Secure Containment Unit with 2 guards posted at all times. RPC-XXX is to be inspected every 6 months to ensure tampering has not occurred. Site-016 is also to house instances of RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3, with RPC-XXX-2 instances being stored in the East wing near RPC-XXX.
Description:
RPC-XXX is the designation given to a deactivated Douglas AIR-2A Genie Nuclear Air to Air missile; RPC-XXX is 3 meters long and has a wingspan of 1 meter. RPC-XXX's anomalous properties have only manifested when a Geiger counter, camera film, audio film, or the radio from an F-106A interceptor is within 70 meters of RPC-XXX. Upon entering this 70-meter radius these items are to be designated RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3 respectively.
Geiger counters designated RPC-XXX-1 will display readouts that spike in Morse Code. Film, including photographic, video, and audio tapes designated RPC-XXX-2 will be found to contain relevant data on them and are additionally found to be slightly radioactive. F-106A radios designated RPC-XXX-3 will play audio regardless of being able to receive signal, or whether the radio is powered. Upon leaving this 70 meter radius these effects will cease. As a result of this effect all RPC-XXX-2 samples are to be stored near RPC-XXX. In addition to these precautions, recordings of all data from instances of RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3 are to be made.
At this time it is suspected RPC-XXX creates an anomalous link to an alternate timeline, with the divergence point of this timeline being the October 25th, 1962 bear intrusion of USAF command center Duluth. It is also suspected that there is a time lag of roughly 14 years. The key difference and divergence point are thought to be that the phone call from Duluth to Volk Airbase stating that the ongoing nuclear warnings were a false alarm was never made and that this change allowed the F-106A fighters to finish taking off. Information gleaned from the experiment logs has implied that from here the fighter pilots misidentified American bombers and launched their nuclear missiles. Additional information from the logs has implied that this spiraled into nuclear war, eventually leading to Soviet bombers targeting Chicago and with unknown further escalation.
change spiraled to spiralled
To
Description: RPC-XXX is the designation given to a deactivated Douglas AIR-2A Genie Nuclear Air to Air missile; RPC-XXX is 3 meters long and has a wingspan of 1 meter. RPC-XXX's anomalous properties have only manifested when a Geiger counter, camera film, audio film, or the radio from an F-106A interceptor is within 70 meters of RPC-XXX. Upon entering this 70-meter radius these items are to be designated RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3 respectively.
Geiger counters designated RPC-XXX-1 will display readouts that spike in Morse Code. Film, including photographic, video, and audio tapes designated RPC-XXX-2 will be found to contain relevant data on them and are additionally found to be slightly radioactive. F-106A radios designated RPC-XXX-3 will play audio regardless of being able to receive signal, or whether the radio is powered. Upon leaving this 70 meter radius these effects will cease. As a result of this effect all RPC-XXX-2 samples are to be stored near RPC-XXX. In addition to these precautions, recordings of all data from instances of RPC-XXX-1, RPC-XXX-2, and RPC-XXX-3 are to be made.
At this time it is suspected RPC-XXX creates an anomalous link to an alternate timeline, with the divergence point of this timeline being the October 25th, 1962 bear intrusion of USAF command center Duluth. It is also suspected that there is a time lag of roughly 14 years. The key difference and divergence point are thought to be that the phone call from Duluth to Volk Airbase stating that the ongoing nuclear warnings were a false alarm was never made and that this change allowed the F-106A fighters to finish taking off. Information gleaned from the experiment logs has implied that from here the fighter pilots misidentified American bombers and launched their nuclear missiles. Additional information from the logs has implied that this spiralled into nuclear war, eventually leading to Soviet bombers targeting Chicago and with unknown further escalation.
Discovery: RPC-XXX was given to the Authority by the United States Strategic Air Command in February of 1976 after anomalous events nearly caused an international incident. At the time of the incident, RPC-XXX was attached to an F-106A fighter that was on a defensive patrol to deter Soviet air incursion near Alaska. The official cover story regarding the incident is that a senior member of the USAF, whose judgment was clouded via recreational drug use, used a long-range telecommunications radio to try to goad a pair of pilots into nuking a pair of MiGs that he suspected were carrying nuclear missiles. A review of the Douglas Aircraft Company's documents has shown no evidence of RPC-XXX's manufacture. Additionally, the on-site USAF ground crews all attested that none of them attached RPC-XXX to the F-106A's hardpoints. Military documents show no evidence of RPC-XXX existing before the incident.
Discovery: RPC-XXX was given to the Authority by the United States Strategic Air Command in February of 1976 after anomalous events nearly caused an international incident. At the time of the incident, RPC-XXX was attached to an F-106A fighter that was on a defensive patrol to deter Soviet air incursion near Alaska. The official cover story regarding the incident is that a senior member of the USAF, whose judgement was clouded via recreational drug use, used a long-range telecommunications radio to try to goad a pair of pilots into nuking a pair of MiGs that he suspected were carrying nuclear missiles. A review of the Douglas Aircraft Company's documents has shown no evidence of RPC-XXX's manufacture. Additionally, the on-site USAF ground crews all attested that none of them attached RPC-XXX to the F-106A's hard points. Military documents show no evidence of RPC-XXX existing before the incident.
whose judgment
Change to judgement
looking into it the spelling looks to be UK English vs US English stuff.
formatting fixed, good catch
