First RPC draft in a while
First RPC draft in a while
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» First RPC draft in a while
Summary:
Hope you guys think its good! I also want to clarify that none of my actual political beliefs are being expressed in Attachment 2, and that its not trying to be overly political.
(account deleted)Containment Protocol:
standard 15 x 14 inch locker
Use metric only - it's a scientific document. Also, this would imply the locker is two-dimensional (L x W), add the height.
Permission to use RPC-XXX for visual tests or information recordings must be granted via site personnel at a security clearance of Level 3 or higher.
Condense this sentence to: "Experimentation with RPC-XXX requires permission from research personnel with Level 3 or higher clearance."
CSD personnel involved in testing must stay in Authority issued restraining chairs at all times.
Bit iffy on tone. Reword this: "CSD personnel are to remain immobilized for the duration of the experiment."
Security armed with tranquilizer guns are to be be stationed around the testing location in the event that a test subject is able to remove the restraints.
Reword to: "Security personnel are to be equipped with sedatives in the event of the subject's attempted escape."
Description:
with each one displaying different titles and their own sets of film.
Small nitpick, though I'd prefer you substitute 'one' -> 'instance.'
The possibility of cloning has not been ruled out, but ways that RPC-XXX-4 could have ever possibly come into contact with a method of human cloning and have this method stay unknown to the Authority or the US Government falls down to speculation.
I'd recommend you transplant this section over to a supplementary addendum so that the reader could inquire into the background of the anomaly. For now, focus on the direct physical characteristics.
It is believed that this new instance of MC Ride has also found a way to travel to an alternate reality with many parallels similar to ours.
Rewrite to: "Said instance is postulated to be capable of interdimensional travel, accessing our current universe from a similar derivative."
However this reality is different for several key reasons related to its history and societal characteristics as stated below.
Condense to: "However, notable alterations in RPC-XXX-4's chronology include the following:"
However much about the reality, such as the possible existence of the Authority within it, is unknown.
Reword to: "Further information of the chronology, including the potential existence of the Authority within it, is currently unknown."
The anomalous properties of RPC-XXX initially manifest…
Reword to: "RPC-XXX's anomalous properties manifest…"
The anomalous effects of RPC-XXX's titles has shown
'has' -> 'have', since the effects are plural.
Discovery:
It is believed that RPC-XXX was anomalously scheduled for delivery via USPS.
For the sake of ambiguity (and potentially invoking the reader's curiosity), I'd leave it at just being delivered, rather than outwardly stating of its anomalous nature.
Well I like some of where this is going but it doesn't seem to have one clear direction. I enjoy video 2s dark comedy approach and 3s depressing ending but I think it wold be best if you had one set direction for the article. I would personally prefer the dark comedy approach because it's MC Ride so I don't imagine someone taking it too seriously. However, in it's current state I would give this 3/5 stars. Really it all depends on what you would wish to do with it.
Hey JerryJohn,
I found a lot of interesting things about the article, and it is very good. I did however didn't like how it's mainly worded, and it could've done better. Overall, criticism is below this note and I hope you the best of luck.
P.S.
Recommend you go through your article a change a few sentences, and space out the huge chunks of paragraphs. Again, nice job.
Personnel who attempt to violate this rule will be subject to project removal and possible demotion.
- Suggestion:
Unauthorized practices and circumvention of these protocols will result in project removal, followed by temporary suspension pending for audit.
…
CSD personnel involved in testing must stay in Authority issued restraining chairs at all times.
- Suggestion:
CSD personnel involved in live testings are to be placed via restraint chair, during the duration of these tests.
…
Security armed with tranquilizer guns are to be be stationed around the testing location in the event that a test subject is able to remove the restraints.
- Suggestion:
Security personnel equipped with tranquilizers are to be placed around the chamber in the event that a test subject attempts to break off from their restraints.
…
Description: RPC-XXX is a series of three standard VHS tapes, designated as RPC-1 through -3,
- Shouldn't it be appropriately formatted like these:
… designated as RPC-XXX-1 through RPC-XXX-3.
…
This has seemingly stunted their collective evolution as its prevented many major events seen throughout our own history from occurring, such as the Apollo 11 Moon landings, the Civil Right's movement, and 9/112.
- Oh this is peculiar.
…
RPC-XXX was seized by the Sacramento police department, where an Authority agent stationed there notified the Authority.
- Just a suggestion, how about you imply that the agent was from Mobile Specialized Team Sierra-8. They are the people who are embedded within local law enforcement agencies and such.
…
With the exception of the "entering" videotape, all tapes play out in a single take.
- Would play be in past tense (played) since it's already been done prior?
…
"Entering" differs due to the fact that during specific timestamps the video will abruptly freeze, causing stagnation and slight distortion of the video.
- Suggestion:
"Entering" varies due to the fact that in specific timestamps the video will abruptly freeze, causing stagnation and slight distortion.
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"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
/forum/t-12938181/first-rpc-draft-in-a-while#post-