Marco Marchi B. Mark
Okay, looks like you reformatted your dialog. Much, much better. So here's my follow up crit.
inside his head, trying to see him for what he was like.
for what he was.
The Commander ignored this attempt.
The Commander chose to ignore this
Overall thoughts:
Not a bad piece, but it needs more atmosphere I think. Describe the surroundings a bit more. It is a clandestine meeting in a dingy basement? Is it a formal meeting in a well appointed colonial style office?
Essentially its good, but you could improve it by adding some atmosphere. Does the General have photos of himself and his platoon as a Liutenant in Vietnam on the wall? What about war trophies? Commendations? etc etc.
Hit me up if you'd like help. I spent enough time cleaning the high brass's offices and lounges as a private to help you build this atmosphere if you need me to.
He sat on the chair, a steel chair,
He sat on a steel chair
right on top of the table,
right above the table, which illuminated the faces of both Orchid and the Commander, leaving the rest of the room in the dark.
Asked the Commander
Don't put part of direct speech into another paragraph. Either begin with "The Commander asked" in the previous graph, or change it to "The Commander's voice was one of a British noble"
he leaned his back forward
He leaned forward
Orchid leaned forward on his chair too, and started smoking a cigar he took earlier out of his pocket.
Unless you imagined their faces standing a few centimeters apart, even with a lit cigar, I'd leave out the Colonel leaning forward too.
looking straight into their eyes?
looking them straight into the eyes?
He stated;
see above
The Commander didn’t answer the question, instead, he ironically stated:
The Commander didn’t answer the question. Instead, he ironically stated:
They both gave out a short laugh,
Orchid had a grin attached to his face, as if he knew he could get inside the Commander’s head.
The Commander, didn’t flinch, instead, he jokingly exclaimed:
"The Commander could almost feel Orchid trying to get inside his head, trying to see him for what he was like."
also, the 'jokingly' part is unnecessary
"The Commander ignored this attempt, exclaiming:"
Isn’t fury and vengeance the reason we are all here? Isn’t this Confederacy the result of the need of revenge?
Aren't fury and vengeance the reason we are all here? Isn’t this Confederacy the result of the need for revenge?
His cold voice started raising, as if he was trying to gain psychological dominance over Orchid, his general and soon to be partner.
Do not put Pyschological battles and manouvers so bluntly.
"He raised his cold voice, filling the small dark room with it."
Also, leave out the striked through text, it kills any suspense
Actually…now that I think about it, Isn’t the whole world fueled by rage? Vengeance? We are in a strange world, full of terrible creatures that should not be, and yet, the most confusing of them to me remains humanity itself:
Lose the 'humans are strange creatures talk'. Makes Colonel sound a bit deranged.
"We are in a strange world, full of terrible creatures that should not be, and yet, us humans are completely unaware of these hidden hazards:''
He stood up, and intensely looked inside the General’s eyes, who wasn’t intimidated at the least; the little light on top of the table started shaking from all the movement the colonel made.
Add more flair, no psychological descriptions
"He jumped up, knocking down his chair onto the ground, all the while keeping his eyes locked with Orchid's. The little light on top of the table started shaking from all the movement the colonel made. This managed to cock one of Orchid's brow's ever so slightly"
I came here to fulfil: destroy the anomalous, and I will pledge my loyalty to you, but tell me, Orchid, do you know how to use the power which you crave?
"I came here to reach one goal: To destroy the anomalous. I will pledge my loyalty to whomever has the power and will to do so, so tell me, Orchid: Are you one of them?"
calmly took out yet another cigar,
calmly took out yet another cigar,
- Yes, Commander: I know how to use that which I crave for…now, do you crave too?
The Commander smirked.
- It is power that craves me.
A bit of a cringey interaction tbh. Would change to, along with the previous dialogue change, this:
"I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. The question here is, are you like me?"
"If I weren't, I wouldn't be talking with you, now would I?"
Might want to get more input from other on this part
Orchid extended his hand to the Commander; they shook their hands, and as they did Orchid exclaimed:
That would be it. I liked how the colonel looks.
Original:
He sat on a steel chair, right next to a small table; the room was dark, the only source of illumination was a small light right above of the table, which illuminated the faces of both Orchid and the Commander from the dark.
Edit:
He sat on a steel chair, right next to a small table; the room was dark; the only source of illumination was a little light directly above the table, which illuminated the faces of both Orchid and the Commander from the dark.
Removed the end "from the dark" because you already started the scene by stating that the "the room was dark."
Original:
Orchid sighed, looked at his wristwatch, and then went back to stare into the Commander’s eyes.
“Well sir, what is the purpose of this meeting?”
Narrative suggestion:
This sentence is inflexible. While it's grammatically correct, I would suggest rewording it so as to remove "then went back to stare into the Commander's eyes." Firstly, it repeats information the first sentence already initially stated without adding much tension to the second time Orchid stares at the Commander. Secondly, you could truncate the latter-end so as to make the sentence flow read better. Such as, "Orchid sighed, looked at his wristwatch, and stared back at the Commander."
Given the theme of locking eyes comes in later.
Original:
The Commander spoke with the voice of a British noble, with the same wit and elegance; as he finished asking the question, he leaned forward, revealing his bald head and the many scars on his face.
Narrative Suggestion:
Let's break a few things down into segmented parts.
The Commander spoke with the voice of a British noble, with the same wit and elegance;
You don't need to say "with the same" you could truncate this to say, "The Commander spoke with the wit and elegance of a British noble"
; as he finished asking the question…
Who is "he" pointing to in this sentence? I got confused half-way in before reading ahead and understanding that this was the Commander speaking. You should make it clear who's speaking earlier-on,
“Well sir, what is the purpose of this meeting?" asked the Commander.
The main cause of the confusion was based on the fact generally a "Commander" implies a hierarchical role over someone or a group of people. "Orchid" is just a name. So when the reader reads "well sir", they might implicitly think it's Orchid asking given he's the only one without an official rank as a name designation.
and the many scars on his face.
Lastly, you can condense this to: "and his scarred face."
Unless it's absolutely necessary to convey to the reader that this guy looked like his face went through a paper shredder.
Original:
Orchid leaned forward on his chair too, and started smoking a cigar he took earlier out of his pocket.
Narrative Suggestion:
Try to express the actions in the order they happened. While this sentence is grammatically correct, you could reorder it so that Orchid takes out his cigar, lights the butt, smokes it and leans forward on his chair.
It eliminates unnecessary vagueness as the second fragment ", and started smoking a cigar he took earlier out of his pocket." assumes we the reader should already know this.
Original:
"Commander, have you ever heard that we can learn a lot about a person by simply looking them straight into their eyes?" Stated Orchid with a smile on his face.
he took another drag from his cigar, and lightly coughed right after.
The Commander didn't answer the question.
Narrative Suggestion & Edit:
"Commander, have you ever heard that we could learn a lot about a person by simply looking them straight into their eyes?" stated Orchid, smiling.
He took a drag from his cigar and dryly coughed. He placed a handkerchief over his mouth and spat some compound of phlegm and blood.
The latter sentence builds more tension and really hits home what the Commander states when he worries for his health. You can choose to restructure it however you wish, but I fixed the capitalization and the weird indentation.
Original:
"General, such a wise person would know smoking isn't good for your health…" He stated ironically, avoiding the question.
Edit:
"General, a wise person like you would know smoking isn't good for your health…" He stated, ironically, avoiding the question.
Some minor edits:
"I see the rage in your eyes, Commander,"" exclaimed Orchid, placing the cigar in the ashtray.
The Commander could almost feel Orchid trying to get inside his head, trying to see him for what he was like. The Commander shook his head and refrained from staring back, focusing on a fluorescent light above.
"Aren't we all fueled by rage, General? Aren't fury and vengeance the reason we are all here? Isn't this Confederacy the result of the need for revenge?" he exclaimed, his cold voice bellowed in the small room.
"Isn't the whole world fueled by rage? Vengeance? We are in a strange world, full of terrible creatures that should not be, and yet, humanity ignores them. We are at the brink of extinction, and we are all unaware of the danger that creeps under our beds at night. Instead of joining forces, we all fight each other in wars, with only one goal: Power!" He continued.
Note: yes, its a rant, but it works more smoothly without the semi-colons and colon. Retains the general feeling of the sentence with hard stops.
The little light on top of the table started shaking from all the movement the Commander made. The table vibrated from the Commander's shaking palms as beads of sweat dripped down his brow.
Note: I don't know how the light is attached to the table or would shake due to the Commander, who is sitting by a table. Unless he's touching the lightbulb throughout the entirety of this convo.
"No matter who we are, sir, we all crave power…but only a handful of those who crave it knows how to use it. I came here to reach one goal: destroy the anomalous; I will pledge my loyalty to whoever has the power and will to do so, so tell me, Orchid: Are you one of them?"
//Note: Don't place "Asked The Commander with his eyes burning." when the reader already understands who's addressing who by this juncture with the inclusion of "so tell me, Orchid:"
"I wouldn't be here if I weren't. The question here is, are you like me?"
There was a moment of silence, another instant to look at each other into their eyes more, then General Orchid extended his hand to the Commander.
There was a moment of silence. The two hardened men were silent. Eyes cold and fixed. Then, General Orchid extended his hand to the Commander.
Note: The original sentence repeats the "eyes" bit WAY too much through the entire article.
"From now on, you are the Colonel of the Supernatural Termination Confederacy Armed Forces, and my second in command. You will not disappoint me," stated Orchid as they shook hands.
INITIAL IMPRESSION |
A LOT of repeating phrases. Find some synonyms or really more actions or physical descriptions to replace the excessive amounts of "they stared at one another" or "the dark lit room" or "the light above them." I'm paraphrasing here, but it really got in the way from what was a very simple conversation.
Even then, I didn't really feel any tension here. Here's a suggestion. Try and pin down the conversation to… some event or incident the Commander had helped out in or had performed admirably in that was brought to the Orchid's attention. Have the Orchid scrutinize the Commander for certain actions he took. Have it so that by using this incident as an example, he can learn and interrogate the Commander's personality so as to be perfectly sure the Commander is the right man for the job.
As it stands, I wouldn't vote this. it's really bland right now.
Told you you wouldn’t like it, either way you gave me some really useful suggestions. Thanks bud
Marco Marchi B. Mark
Always happy to help and I hope I was clear enough with my critique.
Good luck!