Major credit to Pierson for the help with the photoshopped pictures.
Major credit to Vizlox for helping out with the code for the coloured table cells.
Existing crit at http://www.rpc-wiki.net/forum/t-12861961/ama-no-iwato-the-lightless-vault but feel free to add on as required, here or there.
PROS: I enjoyed the incident logs. Especially the CQC part and how it was somehow fit into a main series article justifiably so.
Though the table lists went on for longer than what was needed to detail items inside, it was nice to see a parallel organization to the Authority set in the east and specifically centered around Yokai.
Now onto the Cons in the collapsible below.
Due to the its remote location
Remove "the".
Overall, not many errors, although there are some Spelling and Grammar issues I would address further if you want to reach me over discord. I wasn't a fan of the constant stutters in the dialogue. There are other ways to describe a person's mental state without repeating the same beat in an interview.
The usage of Yokai didn't convey a compelling narrative and somewhat outstayed their welcome, especially given there were two final reveals.
A penultimate reveals that just reveals a giant creature that was seemingly unrelated to the latter log.
And the latter log of an entity that we're to assume is the Grand Director of the Global Directorate, or some false entity masquerading as one. It's introduced by a lack of interesting dialogue to justify this claim even if it is a falsehood. The idea that an anime or comic book villain escaped hell and sent a message back to the Board is funny, but when its meant to be taken seriously, it falls short. And that's what your entity ultimately sounds like.
Its extremely stilted and feels highly exaggerated at the end for tackling subject matter close to the Board and the nature of the Authority itself with certain implications.
I simply must find a way to free them so that we may resume the way of Yōkai and humans; night and day, Ōmagatoki
Why the hell would you admit this to the one organization (apparently) that can stop you.
This concept could work with heavy alterations given the overall theme, but the reveal at the end isn't sufficiently built towards or engaging. It comes off as another story being forced into the main anomaly's main story for the sake of escalation.
Find some other means of payoff for the reader.
2/5.
Recommended Reading: http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-332
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2664
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-3790
Hmmmmm… I see what you are getting at in your criticism; I may not be right here but I am thinking you might not be fully read up on the Yokai.
A penultimate reveals that just reveals a giant creature that was seemingly unrelated to the latter log.
Did you mean the Black Zone? Because if so that's plural, for entities. Its reveal is meant to be a hard stop for any further exploration attempts, as well as to show how dangerously, blissfully ignorant the Japanese have been regarding their myths of certain legendary creatures.
Why the hell would you admit this to the one organization (apparently) that can stop you.
Because that entity is the epitome of jovial hubris, who only thinks of having a good time without consequence of ramifications. When I release his article, you'll see what he really is capable of (it's going to be very potentially nasty). Again, I think you might not be well-versed on the Yokai, particularly what makes a Nurihyon so potentially dangerous.
Anyways, the rest is on your discord. Let's keep chatting!
; I may not be right here but I am thinking you might not be fully read up on the Yokai.
Then its up to you the author to guide the reader into making certain conclusions no? Its not the reader's job to do your homework for you. As stated in discord DM:
"Given that all the entities thusfar described haven't really been depicted in this way, and have only been described in terms of physical features and anomalous abilities in a summarized description
It breaks tone is what I'm saying and it breaks tone for a really bad payoff"
stop for any further exploration attempts, as well as to show how dangerously, blissfully ignorant the Japanese have been regarding their myths of certain legendary creatures.
Right but besides size and having its own natural environment, it doesn't segue well with the latter log. You describe this creature like you did with the greens, yellows, and reds, in terms of observable properties. Then, you give us a comedic anime villain who claims he's the leader of the Authority. Directly addressing the Authority. Not any other clandestine organization that would make sense. Not a Japanese one or PCAAO or Malthusian sect in Russia.
No, specifically the Authority. In the most exaggerated and camp way possible.
I reiterate, this damages the entire piece.
Note: I would've rated this a 4/5 given I really liked what you were going for prior to what we discussed. The idea that every historical society has had to deal with the unknown in their own unique way. And that we, the Authority, are delving into another secretive group and looking at its secured entities and cataloging whatever we find.
Well, that's nice to know that your 2/5 could have been a 4/5.
Shame about the repeated gigantic misunderstandings and misinterpretations during the chat.
A stereotypical villain that announces its entire plan to the Authority is still that, regardless of any outside background knowledge you draw from.
I stand by each and every justification I cited.
Again, you miss the nuance of a character who does NOT explicitly start off as a villain, but as more of a neutral entity who initially presents as a nuisance. And it isn't an announcement so much more as it was a message that was recorded for a being who is out-of-touch with how things work in the modern era, a trait that will come back to bite it in its jovially-hubristic ass.
You were (in Discord DMs) trying to make him out as the ultimate big bad guy who's going to produce ramifications that will span the world and attract the attentions of all sorts of GoIs: PCAAO, UNAAC and so on and so forth. You wanted me to do things this particular way. Your way.
That is not my plan for him at all, and he is not the main villain of my plot direction. His ultimate fate in an upcoming storyline/articles is going to be a metaphorical message of how little he meant in the end despite his swagger as the supposed "King of all Yokai". Then again I don't know why I'm explaining all this out once more when I have the feeling that you're going to misread/misinterpret something again.
It is frustrating to see you insist on repeating the same exact lines over and over despite my efforts pointing out of said constant nuances and my attempts in clearing the misconceptions that you hold.
I'm not saying that you cannot stand by your point(s), but know that what you say is NOT the same points and views shared by the various other people whom I have discussed, shared and planned out my ongoing writing direction with.
I truly appreciate it when I meet a critic who can challenge and point out the flaws within my writings, but if the critic misreads, misunderstands and misinterprets the nuance behind the writings (let alone clearly NOT caring about all the effort spent to research topics relevant to the article and getting those wrong as well in the argument) it is no better than trying to fight a brick wall.
You were (in Discord DMs) trying to make him out as the ultimate big bad guy who's going to produce ramifications that will span the world and attract the attentions of all sorts of GoIs: PCAAO, UNAAC and so on and so forth. You wanted me to do things this particular way. Your way.
Patently false. You showed me ideas and expressed displeasure at anything that wasn't a compliment or agreement with your overall storytelling. I don't appreciate being mischaracterized when I phrased it as a "suggestion" not as what you should do. Did I or did I not state that these were my opinions and that other voters had completely different opinions, more supportive of your idea?
You confronted me in DMs. You wanted to know my opinions in a more in-depth manner.
Don't bullshit me.
That is not my plan for him at all, and he is not the main villain of my plot direction.
Again, what the fuck does that matter when I'm specifically critiquing this article? Not the 600-page magnum opus you have in your sandbox that the reader hasn't seen yet.
That's like blaming a random kid for getting shot in a school shooting. "Oh, you should've predicted that the one kid in the corner you didn't give a snickers bar to be the shooter! You should have known that kid frequents gore sites, wrote a manifesto, and owned an AR-15. Didn't you see the obscure 4ch thread alluding to the massacre? You should've seen it coming given shootings happen."
Either learn to construct tonally consistent dialogue or stop getting angry at opinions YOU ASKED FOR.
If you want to keep sending walls of text to each other, take it to DMs. There are betters ways you both could be spending the holidays. Hush.
This article is quite enjoyable, and I would have 5ed it if not for the critical grammatical and tonal issues within the article.
3 now. DM me if help is needed :D
+5. Also there's a link that needs to be fixed but I'm afraid to because I have poor internet and I might delete your whole article. Fuck my Internet Provider.
Copylink this dear fixer if thou volunteer
[[RPC-494]]
Also that collapsible after the "Black Zone" needs to be edited, but still +5.
O/
(account deleted)