Ama-No-Iwato, the Lightless Vault

Summary:

At last the truth of why the Yōkai vanished is finally revealed, but not before someone else beat the Authority to it, leaving little but death, fire and ashes behind.

Ama-No-Iwato, the Lightless Vault

GrammerPoliseCheif 20 Dec 2019 04:18

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/grammerpolisecheif

Seeking crit for the text below the tabs.

Update: Published under http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-257

Last edited on 22 Dec 2019 18:23 by GrammerPoliseCheif Show more

Re: Ama-No-Iwato, the Lightless Vault

troyamonga 20 Dec 2019 14:20

Instead of
"Said Onmyōji are to also inspect RPC-?-1 on a weekly basis and note down any developments to its existing damage."
I'd go with "The aforementioned Onmyōji are to also inspect RPC-?-1 on a weekly basis and note down any developments to its existing damage."

"Past the cave opening leading into RPC-?, geological analysis of the cavern walls reveal partially melted and reformed stone, aged magma formations and obsidian formations dated to have been created roughly two thousand years ago." I'd change to:
"Beyond the cavern's entrance, geological analysis of the cavern walls reveal partially melted and reformed stone, aged magma formations and obsidian formations dated to have been created roughly two thousand years ago."

For the surviving clan member's interview
I would reccomend against ALL CAPS, though I'm sure you've heard me bitch about this a lot by now. I'd go for bold text or italics instead.

Re: Ama-No-Iwato, the Lightless Vault

Xander Ether 20 Dec 2019 19:08

There are just a few small mistakes but i found this one in the description for the zones:
Inspection of room by personnnel wearing appropriate the PPE reveals
Inspection of room by personnel wearing appropriate (gear i assume?) The PPE reveals.

I was confused by the Sole Founder of the Authority part but understood it by the end.

Overall this is an amazing piece that deserves a place on the Archive, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Re: Ama-No-Iwato, the Lightless Vault

Alex Mercer Fan Club 22 Dec 2019 17:13

the only part that i got confused was the sole founder of the Aauthority beinf there, although is explained, it made the lore of the RCP a little more elaborated.
but overall you made a 10/10 articlw again.

-A.M.F.C.