Special thanks to Hellsverg,
Almarduk, and others for their criticism and assistance.
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"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
as evident by the figures distressed and abused by a tall figure, speculated to be a former wearer of RPC-437.
Minor nitpick but that doesn't necessarily mean the tall figure is a slave master. It could be a conquering civilization, a lost battle, or boogieman these natives had ingrained into their culture.
Suggestion: Items such as chains or some form of rope that is bound on the figures might improve the imagery. Or their depicted being whipped or directed to perform some action.
RPC-437-2 and was ultimately contained by security personnel.
A stronger nitpick. Your designating the instance without describing why its anomalous prior. IN the two sentences you used to introduce the instance, there was seemingly no reason given for -2's connection to the main anomaly or their designation as an anomalous entity in general.
Which is really weird considering you describe the effects here "RPC-437-2’s personality traits are apparent by their moral decline, strong desire for control, and authoritative behavior towards others" on paragraph 5.
Due to RPC-437-2 being the current wearer of RPC-437, available research has been reliant on the behavior and mental state of RPC-437-2.
This needs to be addressed prior to personnel citing their misconduct.
It is unclear if the concealment of this behavior is associated with RPC-437’s anomalous effects.
Outside of the unknown metals bit you described in the 2nd paragraph, you have yet to convey what anomalous effects the reader should know.
There's a big dissonance in the narrative here because your assuming the reader knew about something beforehand. A lot of the paragraphs seem out of order.
The Authority dispatches an Expedition Team
the* Authority dispatched* an expedition team*
and investigate the expanse location.
in order to investigate* the expanse location.
Expeditionary Teams
It is unnecessary to capitalize "Teams" or "Expedition Teams" (as depicted in aforementioned critique) when neither word starts the sentence.
of Fraser (designated as RPC-437-2)
But you've already designated her in the description. Maybe specify that this was prior to designation?
One of the remains appeared in an unusual position while wearing a sacred, ordained clothing with RPC-437 worn on the left-hand wrist.
"One of the remains" is weirdly worded. Because your using the plural noun. For example, it could be either you found a singular corpse amongst the remains or a collection of bones (defined as remains) among several other collections of bones (each themselves defined as remains).
You can just say "A corpse" because we as the reader understand what "remains" means.
The word "while" is unnecessary.
The word "sacred, " is unnecessary and non-clinical. Here's why. The researchers, by what you have conveyed thusfar, have only recently found this ancient location. What context do they have that it is sacred? It could be a random piece of cloth a random civilian corpse wore before dying.
Let me give you an off-hand example that is completely unrelated to your story. "The item was considered sacred by the natives." In this way, the reader understands that the only reason why the Researchers knew it was sacred was from interviews with the natives themselves.
Outside of the weirdly placed paragraphs and word choices, the interviews didn't really reveal anything for me that would've made this anomaly more interesting.
This:
Hmm. We've recently learnt that the Mayans created this bracelet as a key to a gateway, a gateway that we don't even know what it is exactly. Yet, we know that the key shifted the civilization to [DATA EXPUNGED]. How it ended up in Antarctica is something that we'll never know.
Feels like you the author are telling us this is mysterious. It wasn't a rewarding conclusion built upon the information conveyed.
2/5 for now given the information in the beginning was very frustrating to parse.
I do like the incorporation of technical terms such as neuroinflammation. I would've liked to have seen it incorporated more into the narrative.
Feels like you the author are telling us this is mysterious. It wasn't a rewarding conclusion built upon the information conveyed.
Understandable. Perhaps I should consider writing a supplemental information about a journal found somewhere within Antarctic Region-17 that references the bracelet. How it got there, its origins in further detail, and so forth.
For now. I'll see what I can do to expand the ending. And thanks for the honest opinion.
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
Boring. This was just way too boring with very drawn out interview logs that made my interest drop like an anchor. It became a struggle to continue going through this and I felt nothing aside from boredom once I finished reading this 1/5
Hi,
Sure, I'll agree that the interviews are unstimulating- but it's to convey the emotions and development of RPC-437 being someone who they aren't.
Also, this is just my opinion but; you really shouldn't give feedback if you finished half way. Given how there may be some particular things that you might've missed that may, or may not interest you back on the article.
But if that's what you see, I can respect that. Thanks for the feedback.
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
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