a metal map
mental, at least I presume you wanted to go with mental.
The diesel-punk yandere waited patiently, knowing exactly what was going on. She had prepared a metal map of what would be happening at what time. At least, what would be happening if everything went to her plan. And she began to follow it.
This whole part feels a tad bit excessive in regard of knowing what was going to happen. I think the effect could be more powerful with following setup:
The diesel-punk yandere waited patiently, glossing over the mental map she prepared of what would be happening at what time. At least, what would be happening if everything went to her plan.
fast-acting
I think the whole events in the exert post-midnight could have a bit of more build up, such as mentioning that janitors are near guards, what are they doing or why, as in, if they seem agitated and such.
The part where she listens to the transmission would work better if it wasn't in a box, since, I think it works great that things she isn't able to perceive being in a box.
Making it to be something like
"[unclear] come under siege by [unclear] forces, resulting in Site-031-2 [unclear] all personnel are to [unclear] immediately." was all she could make out.
free from heron out
here on
The bio-mechanical girl made her way to the door keeping her inside, the hum of the high-voltage magnet seemingly not present.
Why wouldn't it have a backup generator? Since this seems a bit too unsafe, no? She could mutilate herself in a way that would allow her to regenerate a crowbar-like appendage or she could just push in a classic manner.
of an ASF she…
of an ASF member/unit/[name]. She…
over confidence
overconfidence
cyborg's wrist ripping
cyborg's wrist, ripping
snow proof
snowproof
boots winter boots
man, and tearing
it makes it sound more instantaneous
Certain parts of the story feel a bit odd or lacking, such as her time spent thinking about the escape plan (feels like it could have more elaboration), why she killed the man (yes, I know she is unstable, but I think it would be better if you portrayed her point of view; same for fight scene build up/conclusion).
Although, it can still work.
I really liked the ending. Actually made me feel sad, even though a hunch of her being dead was always lingering in mind. But this might just be my slumberless self talking.
Real bittersweet note at the end is also what I appreciate.
In conclusion, I'd say you made a reasonably okay story. It just needs a bit of polish.
