RPC-803 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page RPC-803.

Crit

PhoenixOfHope 31 Aug 2019 01:14

http://www.rpc-wiki.net/forum/t-12259927/rpc-proposal:heartless

Redtide 23 Oct 2019 12:38

"In case of a breach, the main method of re-containing RPC-803 is by luring it with personnel that specifically designated to lure RPC-803 back to its containment chamber."
You can make this even shorter by saying it like this:
"In the event of a containment breach, the main method of re-containment RPC-803 is by luring RPC-803 back to its containment chamber with specialised personnel."

And leave the explanation of the specialised personnel in the description, i don't think its needed in the containment protocols

reading the collapsible, its unneeded and can be easily placed in text like so:
"In the event of a containment breach, the main method of re-containment RPC-803 is by luring RPC-803 back to its containment chamber with CSD personnel specialised personnel (See Incident-803-1)."

"Personnel must keep a distance of 10 meters away from RPC-803 to keep it in its docile state."
So aggravating it is allowed to chain its hind legs?

"A large stitch can be seen on its underbelly. RPC-803's fur is pitch black in coloration."
This can be added onto the next paragraph. Hell, the entire next paragraph can be fused with this first one, would keep everything nice and connected.

Also looking at its description, there's a lot of short sentences that could be expanded upon or fused with other sentences to make it longer and more suitable, as shorter sentences are considered unclinical.

" These damages are capable in stunning RPC-803 for a few second. RPC-803's bones have an unmeasurably high resistance toward any damage."
the sentence bout the RPC's bones can also go earlier when talking about the imperviousness of the RPC, and the mention of underbelly damage can be rephrased like so:
"Damages to this area of the RPC is capable in stunning it for a few seconds."

"so the leader said that we must stay alarmed"
replace "leader" with "commanding officer" and replace "alarmed" with "alert"

" We didn't know if the threat is from the forest or the river"
maybe say instead:
" We didn't know if the threat was in the forest or the river"

"So at that moment, nobody knew where to point their gun at"
remove the "at"

"it grabbed that personnel body"
ironically, saying "personnel" sounds really in-personal, maybe try finding a military rank to give him instead, like private or Corporal.

" Of course, nobody wanted to execute that at first"
try replacing "execute" with "attempt"

When pulling it out of the river and they stood back? did they stand back 10 metres? if not, i think you should change the aggro range to be less. 10 metres is a lot of space.

I'll look into the last collapsibles tomorrow, overall it seems most of the problems come from weird use of english words or poor clinical tone. Not too bad of an issue, but still an obvious one

Redtide 24 Oct 2019 03:34

"We've tested RPC-803 with cat, dog, snake, every common animal."
add "s" to the end of "cat, dog, snake".

"Talked to the microphone"
Maybe say instead:
"Over microphone"

Another thing i've just realised, you've got random capitalisation of words all over the place. Capitalisation should only be done for words at the beginning of a sentence, or if its a proper noun like a location or person.

If the RPC went through a different routine affecting its lethality, it should show in the object class, maybe it was changed to Gamma-Orange then crossed out if they ever did change it back?

and i think that's everything