Mr. Fixit Corner Store
Hi All,
Working on this RPC and it'll be my first one. Any critiques would be helpful to improve my writing and improve thia concept. Thank you!
Mr. Fixit Corner Store
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» Mr. Fixit Corner Store
Summary:
An anamolous store and store owner that teleport arounds thw Western Hemisphere.
hello!, is me, malthus CEO and this is a first case of a new writer
the image form the code is wrong, i suggest to change it to the respective categories
their person at all times.
this can be re-worked, as it seems that English is not your first language
and reappear anywhere in the Western Hemisphere.
western hemisphere of what?, the world?, of a country? culturally based?, it needs a little bit of elbow grease to make it better
IF ANYONE LEAVES THE STORE AND IMMEDIATELY RETURNS INTO THE STORE.
wrong at so many levels, i suggest to re works it so it doesn't sounds like a bad creepy pasta and more like an anomaly article
To date there are no known methods to contain RPC-XXX or RPC-XXX-1 as both can disappear and reappear anywhere in the Western Hemisphere.
this needs to be addressed in the first line of the article description with the major parts of the anomaly.
RPC-XXX is noted to have brown skin, no eyes or nose, or ears and a tendency to smile while biting its top lip.
a little bit too much of information, and is not that relevant
no addemdums
overall i understand is your first article and i´m proud of it, but it needs more work. if this article was published as it is on the wiki, ill give it a 2, but this has a 4 potential.
keep working on it, i believe you have the power to do it
I agree with the person above, along with some errors I noted, like all the junk at the bottom that needs fixed. Overall, great idea but maybe have someone proofread the whole thing.
Prepare to be anahilated.
Description:
"To date, there are no known methods to contain RPC-XXX, RPC-XXX-1, or RPC-XXX-2. ." As to date* Also, remove the second .
"Attempts to contain RPC-XXX-1 require Level 4 approval." Attempts to contain RPC-XXX-1 require approval from Level-4 personnel.
Separate the next paragraph correctly:
Attempts to contain RPC-XXX-1 require Level 4 approval.
Authority personnel assigned to RPC-XXX are assigned to lookout for any pop-up shops
"Authority personnel assigned to RPC-XXX are assigned to lookout for any pop-up shops, hereby Designated RPC-XXX-1" Authority personnel assigned to RPC-XXX are to be on the lookout for any pop-up shops, hereby Designated RPC-XXX-1*
"in the Western Hemisphere" No need to capitalize
"When RPC-XXX-1 is located a surveillance team is to be deployed immediately." Should RPC-XXX-1 be located, a surveilance team is to be deployed immediately
"An agent is to be in the RPC-XXX-1 during its normal business hours" Another agent
"monitoring, customers who come in and out of the store as well as all purchases made." Remove the second ,
"There is to be no hostile Engagement within RPC-XXX-1." No need tp capitalize engagement
Description:
"RPC-XXX is a 1.93-meter tall sapient individual that goes by the name Mr. Fixit." tall humanoid*
"has no facial features assign from a mouth" showing no facial features aside from a mouth*
"and a tendency to smile while biting its top lip." This bit dosnt seem necesary, if you remove it, just add the "and" to the previous phrase
"RPC-XXX is also noted to always wear a full suit and a dress hat. RPC-XXX is noted to talk in a Geordie accent." RPC-XXX is also noted to always wear a full suit a dress hat and to talk in a Geordie accent
I suggest you leave a space to sepatare the next part:
RPC-XXX is also noted to always wear a full suit and a dress hat. RPC-XXX is noted to talk in a Geordie accent.
RPC-XXX as the ability to create, fix or build things through an anomalous means
"RPC-XXX as the ability to create, fix or build things through an anomalous means" RPC-XXX has shown the ability to cure people as well as to create create, fix or build objects through anomalous means
"RPC-XXX can also cure people and create anomalous objects." Remove this
"RPC-XXX will then sell these items and services to the individual in exchange for a variety of things ranging from the ability to see to someone's antique picture. Once payment is made there is no way to reverse without consulting RPC-XXX." RPC-XXX will then sell these items and services to an individual in exchange for a variety of things ranging from the ability to see to someone's antique picture( to what? i think you missed the following part to this phrase). Once payment is made there is no way to reverse without consulting RPC-XXX.*
As before, leave a space before continuing:
Once payment is made there is no way to reverse without consulting RPC-XXX.
RPC-XXX-1 is a storefront called “The Fix-It Store
"RPC-XXX-1 is a storefront called “The Fix-It Store” ran by RPC-XXX and RPC-XXX-1 both can disappear and reappear anywhere in the Western Hemisphere of the planet." Who can reappear and dissapier? the store? if thats the case then: RPC-XXX-1 is a storefront called “The Fix-It Store” ran by RPC-XXX and RPC-XXX-1, said store can disappear and reappear anywhere in the Western Hemisphere of the planet.*
"From beverages and snacks" no need to capitalize
"While working at the store RPC-XXX will not appear in its true form but take the appearance of elderly black man" While working at the store RPC-XXX will not take the appearance of elderly black man"
"they are transported to another plane of existence. There the store is empty with only a door leading to a back room" they will be trasnported to a seemgly differetn dimesion. In there, the store appears empty with only a door leadinng to a back room*
"When one enters the black room they are joyously greeted by RPC-XXX. Here individuals and request the services of RPC-XXX. RPC-XXX will name a price and the individual will then swipe RPC-XXX-2 if they agree." Upon entering the back room, one will be greated by a joyfull RPC-XXX. Here, individuals can request services from RPC-XXX, after which, a price will be named and the individual can choose to accept or not.*
Final Thought:
This is a very intersting concept, but it needs a lot of refining, with some CSS help and grammar fixed, i think you could have a very good article
“To date, there are no known methods to contain RPC-XXX, RPC-XXX-1, or RPC-XXX-2. Attempts to contain RPC-XXX-1 require approval from Level-4 personnel.”
Wouldn’t searching anyone for rpc-xxx-2 and confiscating it (before they even set foot in the store) be a effective method of containing rpc-xxx or at least his main anomalous effects?
“monitoring, customers”
Remove comma
“Another agent is to be in the RPC-XXX-1”
Remove “the”
“entered the task force”
Add comma after entered
“features assign from a”
Aside not assign
“has no facial features assign from a mouth and hands with abnormally long fingers.”
Hands aren’t a facial feature. So instead put the hands part when your talking about the other features like his skin before. And put a comma before “and” when ur making a list. Like this: ding, bing, and king.
“RPC-XXX is also noted to always wear a full suit and a dress hat.”
This is my opinion but u should probably say the color of the clothes.
“RPC-XXX as the ability”
U forgot the “h” in has
“build things through an anomalous means”
Build is basically the same thing as create u should probably just remove it. And remove “an”.
“RPC-XXX has shown the ability to cure people as well as to create, fix or build objects through anomalous means”
U kinda repeat urself here, more importantly u don’t need all of this anyway just add “cure” to the list of thing he can do u made before.
“RPC-XXX will then sell these items and services to an individual in exchange for a variety of things ranging from an individual’s ability to see to a collects of tapes or stamps.”
This isn’t wrong but u should probably add at least in a footnote that the thing he takes from the individual relates to them or the thing they’re buying in some way because that’s what u said in discord. (If I’m not wrong)
“back room is visible”
Remove “is”
“RPC-XXX-2 is a debit card found circulating amongst some GoI”
Add the goi part in a footnote. Like: “RPC-XXX-2 has been in possession of multiple GOI.” Or some shit like that
“Within the store RPC-XXX will”
Within RPC-XXX-1 will
“is a self-proclaimed businessman and”
Either remove this part completely or if u add a part describing his personality (which isn’t really necessary) then add it there
“Agent Kane turn back into a human after a negotiations with RPC-XXX. However, his eyes remained that of cats as a friendly reminder to the Authority.”
Agent Kane turned back into a human after negotiations with RPC-XXX. However, his eyes remained in the likeness of a cat’s. (In footnote: RPC-XXX’s supposed reason for this was to “Be a friendly reminder to the Authority.”
“All to gain access to things neither you don’t understand”
All to gain access to things neither of you
understand
“object or occurrences?”
objects or occurrences?
“Who decided I can’t? Certainly I can! I just…won’t.”
This is completely my opinion so u don’t have to listen to this but doesn’t this make to powerful? I guess he doesn’t use the power anyway so it’s fine but still.
“Upon seeing the card a search was made for the store on the card”
This confused me because you never said the store was on the card on the description u should add that in. And u should probably add “displayed” after store.
“{Redacted}”
Your using the wrong brackets it’s [redacted] and I’m pretty sure people completely capitalize redacted but idk tho.
“ACCESS IS DENIED”
ACCESS DENIED
And u should probably add an actual name to “additional” to make it more intriguing so we know exactly what info isn’t accessible to us.
It’s pretty good just a good amount of tonal and grammar mistakes. I probably missed some so u should probably get crit from at least one more person after this another thing, there’s a loose piece of code u should probably do something with or delete and don’t forget to add the links to the rpc before and after urs.
/forum/t-12328236/mr-fixit-corner-store#post-