The Observer Section (Bluebook tale and goi format hybrid) (failsafe)

Summary:

Project Blue Book decides to take proactive action at the recent rise in the amount of Kaiju like Xenos that they are encountering.

The Observer Section (Bluebook tale and goi format hybrid) (failsafe)

google_chrome 11 Jul 2019 01:52

located here

Need general crit and proofreading.

Draft Criticism

DrPierson 23 Jul 2019 22:47

Office Of Information Review	CLASSIFIED//EYES ONLY
Draft Review

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To: google_chrome

From: DrPierson

The tale was an interesting concept that connected with my tale, Awakening Hell's Gate. Although, like many tales, I did find a few grammar issues.

Overall, I did find the tale to be quite interesting. Nice job.

For further information, see the attachment below.

— Dr. Pierson

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+ Open Attachment

General Trygve Lie sat in his office, reading up on the report he got from his men who were sent to monitor the large reptilian entity that his satellites had witnessed leaving the smoldering remains of the Authority's Site-014.

• Suggestion:

General Trygve Lie sat on his chair, focused on reading a report that he got from one of his men. They were assigned to monitor the situation of a large reptilian creature, witnessed by one of the satellites as it left the smoldered remains of the Authority's Site-014.

…

"General Lie!" the General's second in command was waiting outside of his office, […]

• Okay, just to point out something so that I won't keep pointing out in this criticism. Anything that's after the quotation marks is capitalized.

• I.e:

"General Lie!" The General's second in command was waiting outside of his office, […]

…

"At ease, now tell me why your here"

• Suggestion:

"As you were. Now, tell me why you're here?"

…

"The UNAAC is holding a meeting" the General towered above the over eager Lieutenant-General, she was of the newer breed, short hair, and in good shape.

• Okay. I'm confused on this paragraph. This part here is referring to two senior-commissioned officers, one of which is female and the other is an old man. Like, can you just give them a name instead of referring them as The General or something?

• Again. I told you to capitalize after the quotation marks. Also, a full stop period on meeting.

…

"A little birdie may have told the Russian government about the Authority's AEGIS, which may or may not be brought up in the meeting, but I can't confirm that."

• I keep saying little birdie through the tale yet, there is no context of what they are referring to.

…

"Considering what the report on that reptile which left the blast site said, I think that the little birdie will need it." And while he hated to admit it, sometimes it was necessary.

• Suggestion:

"Considering what the report said about the large reptile leaving the blast site, I think the little birdie will need it." She said, although hated to admit it.

…

Two well built men stood in front of the doors to the meeting hall, "I sorry, but this is a restricted area" the man on the left stated. Trygve grabbed a laminated piece of paper no bigger than a trading card from his pocket and showed it to the two men. "You know the rules of being a representative of a non-member, correct?" the man on the right inquired, "you may not speak, and you may not vote" Trygve spoke those words as if he had taken them to heart, though deep down he always despised them.

• Separate this huge paragraph. It's too chunky.

• Suggestion:

Two security officials stood in front of the doors that lead to the meeting room. They were well built and firm.

"Apologies sir, but this area is restricted." The security official on the left stated.

General Trygve took out a laminated piece of paper, no bigger than a trade card, from his pocket and showed it the two security officials. "You know the rules of being a representative of a non-member state, right?"

The man on the right glanced at the paper, and at General Trygve.

"You may not speak unless asked to, and you may not vote."

General Trygve embraced what the security officer said, though felt agitated by it.

…

The General opened the door, to find that he had arrived slightly late. "-It's nice to see that Project Blue Book decided to show up, please take your seat in the observer section" the Speaker was not impressed by the time of the General's arrival. "Now let us begin this meeting of the UNAAC…

• Suggestion:

Both of the security officials opened the door, catching the attention of the other representatives as General Trygve revealed himself entering the room.

"It's nice to see Blue Book deciding to show up, please take your seats at the observation area." The Speaker glared at General Trygve as he entered, not impressed by the time of the General's arrival.

"Now, this meeting is now in session." The Speaker said as she banged her gavel twice.

…

I'm not quite a fan of the computer module. Can you not like make a small documents using the blockquote, and collapsibles?

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"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"