man this tale's good but that formatting makes me want to kill myself
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(account deleted)He paused and glances at Agent Philip,
glanced*
these tenses do not match.
I'll leave you to it .."
nix the space between "it" and the starting period. Replace periods with "…"
enters the assembly room without disturbing the talks. She walked to the back
shouldn't it be "entered"? The present and past tense throughout this piece is a bit marred. I'm not saying you can't go for present/past tenses in certain sentences with like a strong POV voice, where your literally in the thoughts and perception of a character. In say, Ascriber's piece where we were literally hearing the thoughts of the character, which allowed for a lot of lists and sentences that would be perceived as wonky and non-clinical in the tone your going for.
The dryness of the non-dialogue segments would do better with past-tense throughout.
Additionally, prior to reaching this line, the lines above mentioned no-one in attendance in an assembly room.
Which makes this weirdly worded here: "without disturbing the talks." Because the reader isn't given that visual information beforehand.
We know (before the HR line) there was a Doctor and there was an office and there was a phone, but not that the people had entered an assembly-room.
We're given that an assembly-room exists, BUT the fragment afterward "assumes" the reader knew people were there in the first place, rather than introducing them for the first time.
Suggestion: "Dr. Andrea sneakily entered the assembly room. She had remained unnoticed by the crowd of representatives having already begun talks."
Or something to this degree.
Skipping ahead a little…
Additionally, there were weird bloated sentences like these that kept killing the enjoyment of this piece, which I thought had decent characterization for all parties involved. For example…
"Apologies Madam Speaker, but I will like to add a few things to the Commission's findings." The Authority representative interrupts the Commissioner, and politely ask the Speaker on their request.
Can be reshaped with fewer words, like so:
"Apologies Madam Speaker, but I will like to add a few things to the Commission's findings," the Authority representative interjected.
You don't need ", and politely ask the Speaker on their request." he's already sort of doing this and if this is a different sentence? Then let the Authority representative politely ask via dialogue.
CONCLUSION CRITIQUE: Those weren't the only examples, there's a lot I didn't say in this comment as its not line-by-line critique. Overall, I like the png graphic you made. It gives this piece a layer of suspension of disbelief or verisimilitude. And generally, I like this as a tie-in to the entire Fail-Safe Event. +2 now, +5 later if SpaGr, the order of sentences and the conveyance of information are tweaked. Kept pausing at lines similar to what I mentioned above, and combined with the overall dry tone of the piece, it made it a slog.
It doesn't make sense how they only found out about the Failsafe incident from some random magazine. The Authority would obviously be the first to know that they nuked their own site.
There's the possibility of something good here, but the concept of UNAAC finding out that they've been outed to the public and that there was a nuclear explosion in the US from a tabloid that was in their office is stupid. It takes days for a tabloid to get written and published, and even more for it to reach whatever office its going to, especially one for a secret organization??
The grammar also needs a ton of work. The dialogue also has a lot of profanity for a meeting among the leaders of the veiled world or whatever.
Said Lazarev in a thick eastern accent.
Lazarev said, in a…
"I'm going to assume you are aware of the recent leaks?"
??? THATS WHY THEYRE HAVING THE MEETING
"Yeah. I am very aware of it."
"yeah" they are speaking to the representative of russia in a board of shadowy figures who says "yeah"
"Well, given the current circumstances, my government is planning to take," Colonel Lazarev pauses. "Extreme measures."
"What kind of measures are we talking about, Sergey?"
"Measures that may have implications, doctor."
Who talks like this? "what are you doing" "we're going to do something extreme" "what are you doing" "this extreme thing may have extreme consequences" ???
"What even is the point of hiding the truth from humanity. People have a right to know- people have died because of us."
is she new here
"I was messing with you. You Americans are too easy to be scared. "
they are representatives of the unknown world they don't play games with each other in the middle of a conference. also it's "Americans are easily scared."
due to Nevada's recent incident, specifically the destruction of Site-014, leading to its nuclear discharge.
specifically the destruction? what else is there? what other thing? specifically the nuclear explosion implies there's something of equal importance going on here besides a nuke going off on us soil. also:
specifically the destruction of Site-014, leading to its nuclear discharge.
"discharge" is not the right word for a bomb going off. also, the nuclear "discharge" is what caused the destruction. the destruction didn't led to the bomb going off.
also what is that title. "awakening hells gate"?
/forum/t-12192565/awakening-hell-s-gate#post-